What actually helped? For those of you in this dreadful position of having lost a child.. what were the things that actually helped?

[affectedbythis]

Hello
The wonderful kind funny dc of an acquaintance has died, suddenly.
I am heartbroken for them. But don't want to make it about me. And we are just acquainted from the school gate. We didn't go to the pub together or out. Just chatted when waiting for the kids.

What can I do that will actually help?

Speaking as someone who's parents suffered this, I remember that people acknowledging their loss really helped. So many people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they stay silent. Reach out and speak. That's important. It's so kind of you to think about them.

I've been in the awful position of losing 2 children, 3 years apart. As @AnuSTart said, the silence really got to me. People didn't know what to say, so didn't say anything. I felt like my grief was just too uncomfortable for a lot of people. And I lost a lot of friends and family because I couldn't forgive them for not trying to be there for me. If they found my grief too difficult to navigate, how did they think I felt?

Anyway, it's really good that you want to help, it shows you are willing to sit in that horrible place a little with this bereaved mother. My suggestions:
-send a message saying how sorry you are. She might not reply but it shows she is in your thoughts.
-offer specific help, not "call me if you need something" because she won't know what she needs. Stuff like "I'm going to the supermarket, can I pick you up some food?", "I'm going for a walk because the weather is so lovely, would you like to join me", "I'd like to visit you one day, would that be OK?".
-people tend to disappear quickly, keep in touch long term.

Thank you both so much for the replies.
I am so sorry for you both for what you have both been through. I keep having snippets of that song "unimaginable" from Hamilton in my head.
I will do that, I have already offered Tesco but I am sure the inner circle is on top of that but I will keep in touch, and as you say the weather will be getting better so I will offer a walk and some company.

We are still in the dreadful limbo of the
My dc was friend is with their dc so I will encourage a drawing/card and also write to them myself but not quite ready yet if that makes sense

You’d be amazed how people drift away in times of grief, don’t assume anyone is getting on with it. Talk about the child, mark their birthday, don’t avoid them.

Yes. I can believe that. It's so hard, we are all scared of getting it wrong.

I am going away for a bit but will keep messaging and then be more practical/proactive when back
What does one do for a birthday? It's so hard.

My experience has been that other people pretty much step up to the mark and respond in a way that I find helpful. That is to say, they are willing to mention the bereavement, ask sensitive questions, listen properly to the answers and leave it at that.
There is nothing you can do, really, except continue to engage at the same level of intimacy that you had before. Nothing less and nothing more.

It’s so kind that you are asking this question. The below feels a bit disjointed and unhelpful, but I’m happy to answer specific qs.

dd1 died in 2019 so I have been/ am in the situation your friend is.

It really depends on the person. For me, in the short term I couldn’t function and other people brought food/ shopping etc.

Don’t say ‘I can’t imagine what it’s like’, because you can. Equally don’t say it’s every parent’s worst nightmare - yes, and this person now has to live with it forever.

Do be there. Do sensitively mention the dc when appropriate- eg birthdays, favourite memories as they come up. Not a single person mentioned dd or asked me how I was feeling on mother’s day this year, which makes me think people have forgotten her/ don’t care. In reality, most people don’t know what to say. Saying something is better than nothing.

Also a bereaved mum to a DD age 15.
That you have posted on here shows that you are a thoughtful person so I’m sure whatever you do will be right. As others have said, in the beginning practical help is invaluable. A basic shop of tea, coffee, cake,biscuits (often there are lots of visitors after a death and it is nice to be able to make people a drink etc), a meal for now or the freezer, help dog walking or picking up/looking after other children. Anything which makes their day easier to get through.
Never be afraid to mention their child’s name, either now or in the future. I put up only one card at Christmas and it is from a friend who every year remembers my daughter in it. All the “Have a Happy Christmas” ones can get in the bin. Send a sensitive card at Xmas remembering their child and wishing them peace.
Offer to meet to have a walk or coffee with them in the future. If they want to talk let them, you don’t have to say anything, just be there for them.
Im sure all us bereaved parents would agree that one of the hardest things is thinking others have forgotten our child. Don’t be afraid to mention their name. Don’t feel worried that you might upset us by mentioning our children or our grief-we’re already upset, it’s the fear of them being forgotten that distresses us.
I’m so sorry for your friend. It’s a cruel world.

You sound like a thoughtful friend @affectedbythis .

When you lose a child it is unimaginable, and also grief can be very lonely as people often don't know what to say or do, so often say nothing or worse still hide/cross the road/don't contact you anymore -especially after the funeral.

Maybe you don't want to impose - but honestly, in grief, I found that some acquaintances became strong friends and their help was invaluable. Just having someone who checks in regularly and doesn't forget about your loss and is just there to listen is worth so so much and it will be very much appreciated.

Do check out the Sue Ryder Association which has some great advice on how to support the bereaved.

Also, when your friend is ready, do recommend The Compassionate Friends charity (UK and US based), which specialises in supporting bereaved parents.

Lastly - the first year is filled with mental fog and shock. If your friend does not respond to your messages, do not take it personally. Let her know you are there and don't be afraid to arrange a date/time/place to chat over coffee with her, letting her know that if she doesn't feel up to it, that it will be fine to cancel last minute. Losing a child is so shocking, that even doing a simple task or arranging to meet is a huge undertaking. Your support will be very much appreciated.

When you lose a child you really discover who your friends are. Your world shrinks and nothing is ever the same. I made new friendships with other bereaved mums.
The other people who remain friends are the ones who messaged me regularly, even when I didn't reply. Brought me food, offered to help with things that needed to be done, offered lifts, did shopping.
The people who remember his birthday and the anniversary.
The people who talk about him, remember things he did, share their memories of him.
Just message regularly and ask how they are, what can I do to help?
Don't drift away.