Worried I’ll cry during funeral reading.

[MrsTopaz]

Hi all, my dad passed at the weekend, we are trying to make plans for the funeral. I’ve written a reading myself and I’d like to be able to say it but whenever I try, even on my own or with immediate family when I showed it to them, I could barely get through it as it’s such lovely words it makes me cry. The funeral will have lots of people there, many I don’t even know as they were his friends/colleagues. Should I just plan for the celebrant to read it? Has anyone managed it when they didn’t think they could beforehand? I suspect my tears will be even more in the day, but I worry they won’t read it ‘right’ as it’s very descriptive. Not sure what to do.

This was me at my mum's funeral,I read it so many times before hand & I was ok,a little teary eyed but I could do it without crying,I got about half way through & completely broke down,the reading was descriptive and the words were truly describing my mom & the battle she put up. I managed to finish but I was upset with myself honestly but everyone understood,our priest even mentioned it in his eulogy for my mother (he know her personally) proclaiming my upset was a testament to the woman my mother had been,a loving mother, grandmother & wife, that really soothed me . It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done & if I had to do it again I wouldn't but at the time I felt I had to for my mom ❤️

I did my Mums.
I practiced loads so I could get through it and my brother stood with me and if I hadn’t been able to he would have taken over.
I imagined my Mum saying “that’s quite enough now, get on with it” as well.
Her funeral was 5 weeks after her death, still hard but not as raw so give yourself some time

Is there another family member who could read it for you?

I read what had been written by her children for my mother in law and felt privileged to do so.

I agree that practising lots of time makes it easier. For some reason it makes it a lot less emotional.

Perhaps it’s because you start to focus on HOW to read it, rather than the words / feelings. Eg remembering to pause at a certain point or going more slowly.

it’s also helps if you have some humour in it. I don’t mean jokes of course, just funny little things / habits / quirks / sayings that were typical of your dad . People enjoy the chance to smile fondly at a memory .

I took DH up to the front with me when I did a reading at my cousin's funeral (cousin was 29 when she died, so it was a very emotional occasion, I was 27) and held his hand throughout the reading, which really helped.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Why would it be such a bad thing to cry while reading? This is your dad. Of course you're grieving.

I did my mum's and got through it fine. I practised a lot - I basically memorised it - and I wrote rude notes to myself in red pen, things like 'don't you dare cry you absolute cunt' (the celebrant found that particularly amusing as they were so big she could read them over my shoulder).

But do you know what, I actually regret doing it because not breaking down became the focus of the whole service and I didn't shed a single tear for my dear mum. I felt that it had all been a bit performative (from my side) and I felt it didn't help my grieving process at all. So actually, I'd go against the grain and say let the celebrant read it.

Of course but if she’s crying too much she might not be able to speak, which is understandable but not what OP wants.
I also found that not making eye contact with close family helped. I am used to presenting in public so my natural instinct was to look at the people I was mentioning etc but I found that it was when I did so that my voice cracked so I looked at people I didn’t know or down at the paper

The other thing than can help is making sure to mention all the different facets of your dads life , the happy things like his job / hobbies.

eg if there will be former colleagues from his job at the post office they will feel inclined and honoured of you talk about that. “ Dad was a postie in the Green St office for many years and those of you who worked with him with remember X Y and z. One day when this happened …….

it’s much easier to talk about the happy stuff 🙂

My stepson spoke at his Dads funeral, it was a piece about his Dads life and it was quite lovely as he had written it himself. He took a good friend with him when he went up to speak and he said it made all the difference. She was ready to take over if he felt he couldn’t complete his speech.
The funeral attendees are the most forgiving and kind audience you’ll ever have, OP, so go for it!
My condolences on your loss🌺

I was the one chosen to say things about a friend who died too young. There was an assumption that I knew what to say and that I was confident. Neither were true.

What got me through.

1. Composing something with no trip me up pronunciations
2. Rehearsing.
3. Reading fairly slowly with pauses.
4. Looking up during pauses and smiling. The audience thought I was looking them in the eye, but I was not focusing so that I wouldn’t catch anyone’s eye, and the smiling kept me in a positive frame of mind and underlined the good in the memories.

Sorry for your loss. I have absolutely wept during a reading but I wouldn't have not done it and nobody minded. You're not giving a key note speech. No one will judge you if you cry.

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP. My Mum died in the summer, and I didn't think I would be able to get through the reading without crying - I could only get through a couple of lines beforehand. But on the day, everything seemed so surreal and although I got a bit choked up towards the end, I managed it. My best friend read a poem immediately afterwards and that was when I went to pieces.

I think it helped me to get through things because we had a series of problems immediately before the service which took my mind off worrying about the reading. We had arranged to collect all the food and drink for the wake from Waitrose at midday, for a 2 pm service, which should have given us plenty of time to set the church hall up, but Waitrose cocked up the order and most of the food was missing. It took quite an argument before the manager really realised how important the mistake was and that no, we couldn't go back for it at 3! The staff stripped the shelves of all the sandwiches, sushi, and fruit bowls and gave us loads of juice but what we were given was hardly the same as the entertaining food I'd ordered and took ages to cut up and get ready, especially without the big foil platters we were expecting. Then my best friend rang me 20 minutes before the service to say that she was stuck in traffic about 30 minutes away. She somehow managed to get there just in time. When we arrived at the church behind the hearse, the pastor came out to greet us, and fell over. He was quite elderly and clearly very shaken. He wasn't badly hurt but spent much of the service dabbing blood from a couple of cuts and was very muddled. It also added to the bizarreness that one of the congregation shouted out 'praise the lord' with great enthusiasm every time the pastor said anything about my Mum, and also added his own loud comments about her being a lovely lady every couple of minutes. It was a bit farcical really, but my Mum would have found everything that happened SO funny, which I took a lot of comfort from.

I was really pleased that I had managed to give the reading myself, but my friend was ready to step in if necessary. When her mum had died a couple of years earlier, she hadnt felt able to read the eulogy so I did it for her. I think everyone who attends a funeral realises how difficult it is for close family to give a reading and I'm sure if you want the celebrant to read it, or take over if necessary, they will do it just how you would want.

Thank you for sharing your stories, it’s so lovely to hear them and understand more about your preparation and experience on the day. I’m know there would have been a lot of love in the room for anyone doing reading at a funeral…
yours sounds so stressful @Growlybear83-what a lot to go wrong in just a small space of time! I’m pleased that it brought you thoughts of laughing with your mum. My dad was very fun too, it’s easy to get weighed down in the grief so I’ll try to remember this too, and have a try to have a giggle where I can on the day.

Sorry for your loss 💐

The celebrant will check in with you on the day to see how you're feeling about it and they will take over if you need them too.
My son was unsure if he could do his one but on the day he managed it. All the best.

I would try, but have a back up. When you get up, take a deep breath and relax. Also have some water with you, apparently it's physically impossible to cry if you're drinking

I did a reading at the funeral of a my toddler nephew. I didn’t think there was any way I could possibly do it as I’m prone to sobbing in the most minor situations, never mind something as horrendous as the death of a child.

As others have said, I made myself practice it multiple times a day until the words held no emotion for me and became almost meditative. And at the actual funeral I didn’t let myself look anyone else in the eye or engage with their emotion until I’d done it. It went fine; it felt as if it was someone else doing it and I was looking down on it from a height to be honest; as if I was there but somehow detached. And I’m so, so glad I could do that tiny thing as part of our remembrance of him.

It was my dad’s funeral a couple of weeks ago. I am appalling at public speaking at the best of times so really knew from the start I wouldn’t be doing it. But I’m quite good with the written word. So between us all (celebrant, me and other family) we put something together and I redrafted and redrafted because it became really important to me that what was said really got dad’s character across. The delivery itself wouldn’t have changed that, it was the words that were written and then spoken that was the most important thing to me. As a family we did cry as we discussed on the days beforehand what we wanted to put in it, and as we chose the songs and photographs.

by the time the whole service had been perfected and edited and read through dozens of times, I had got a bit desensitised to it all actually, which is a bit weird. So I didn’t actually cry that much at the service as the celebrant and my auntie spoke because I knew what was coming and was too busy checking it was all going ok and to plan.

so you may be ok if you practice many many times and get the emotion of the words “out of the way” during “rehearsal”.

I’m sorry for your loss. Be prepared for the funeral day feeling surreal and passing in a blur and even feeling a bit detached because it doesn’t feel real. You’re too busy concentrating on it going without a hitch for the sake of everyone who has taken the time to turn up. But then the reality hits the first few days afterwards. It then all feels so final. And that feeling is exacerbated by the sudden lack of anything much happening - the practical stuff and the planning of it and worrying over it has finished and you finally have the space and time to think about the loss of this person that you loved and the hole they leave in your life. 😥. Look after yourself.

My cousin wanted to do the eulogy at his dads funeral. He had a copy of his speech as did the minister, the minister looked at him at the point of the eulogy and they had a code of a double nod if cousin felt he could do it. Which he did.

the minister also had a copy just in case my cousin felt he couldn’t do it or if he broke down during it.

I admire anyone who can speak at a close relatives funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐
When my sister died, my mum wanted me to do a reading. I practised with my friends in the days leading up to the funeral which really helped.
If I am honest, looking back I am very thankful I did it. From my experience I would say do it if you can, but it is very understandable if you cant also.

My view on this is that it’s putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. The day is going to be hard enough as it is without the pit of dread this is putting you into for days beforehand and on the day itself. Hand it over to someone else.

I'm a strong public speaker and even I cried at this time. Know that people will understand.
If you really want to get through the full speech, first hone it down yourself to what you think you can manage, not everything you really want to say.
Secondly, try reading it to your partner, sibling, child, someone who may have a reaction and you to them. Do that a few times. If you can't get by certain sentences accept you'll need to pause or ditch them depending on how strong you feel.
Last, be very kind to yourself, it's a tough time, most people avoid this and if you're willing to, be extra kind to you.

Just wanted to pop back to update. The funeral was today… I was so nervous and unsure if I could do it right up until I stood up and took the podium. But I had written at the top of the page ‘this is a celebration of his life’ and that really helped me to not feel as weighed down by the grief in that moment. Once I got start I just focussed on going slow, and told myself it was important for people to hear what I had to say. And I did it! Feel very proud of myself and know he would be too. So if you are reading this and feel unsure, if you want to- just know you absolutely can do it.

Very well done. I'm so glad you managed to get through the reading. I don't think you will have to do many more difficult things in your life, and I'm sure your Dad would have been very proud of you.