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Bereavement

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Best friend committed suicide...

19 replies

BarbiesWorld · 29/03/2023 13:20

Pretty much as the title says.

My wonderful, funny, pain in the arse best friend committed suicide at the weekend and I'm really struggling with coming to terms with it.

They were the one I'd call or go see when major things like this happened so not only am I in shock and grieving, I'm also doing it very much alone.

How do I get through the next days/weeks/months?

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 29/03/2023 13:22

I am so sorry for your loss OP, and didn’t want to read and run. Being close to someone who dies by suicide must be incredibly hard to bear. Knowing you were a good friend to them and will remember their wonderful, funny, pain in the arse-ness is a wonderful thing, although it may not feel so now. Give yourself time (forever) to grieve. Be kind to yourself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/03/2023 13:23

That must be a horrendous shock. I am so sorry. 💐

bellinisurge · 29/03/2023 13:23

I'm so sorry. You'll be full of conflicting feelings and all of them are legitimate.

GoodnightJude1 · 29/03/2023 13:27

I’m so sorry OP 💐
I too had a close friend that committed suicide and to date it was the hardest loss to cope with. I kept going over and over it in my head, thinking if I’d said or done something differently then he might still be here.
I can’t give you any wise words because I still struggle daily thinking of him, especially when songs we loved come on the radio.
Give yourself time. Talk to someone if you can xx

AthenaPopodopolous · 29/03/2023 13:42

I’m so so sorry to hear the loss of your friend. I’ve been bereaved this way too. Just to let you know we don’t say ‘committed suicide’, rather ‘died by suicide now. It’s to do with suicide not being a criminal act upon oneself and to reduce the stigma around it.
Anyway it’s probably the worst bereavement and I had to ask for sleeping pills. Couldn’t sleep and felt haunted then there’s all the questions about why and who’s to blame. The truth is there is no blame. Just a soul in despair really.
I hope you keep yourself well and get help if you need to. Doctor or online group Sobs .

My3cents1 · 29/03/2023 13:48

The loss of a love one is hard enough but when it’s by suicide it’s so much more. Take it a day at a time. You will feel so many emotions including anger. Every emotion is Ok. There is no wrong or right way to feel, it’s so personal. Try writing your feelings down, write letters to your soul sister bestie. You just look after yourself make sure you try to keep up with sleep and eating/drinking. I’m in tears right now for you, I feel your devastation and for your darling friend but I’m a firm believer death as we know it is not the end and you will keep her memories warm in your heart and sharp in your mind until you meet again. Much love to you xx

bereftmother · 30/03/2023 11:48

My daughter took her own life last November. It is hell. For a couple of weeks I phoned the Samaritans every night, not because I wanted to join her, but to talk about her, and cry, and get angry. That helped, a little. Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen
Since then I have been in touch with an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide (uksobs.org) and they have been helpful - they have all been through it themselves.
I am sorry for your loss.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide

https://uksobs.org/

My3cents1 · 30/03/2023 11:54

Sending so much love @bereftmother ❤️

Beamur · 30/03/2023 12:01

This happened to me a few years ago - my friend and I had been super close a few years previously but less so in recent years (moved away). It has really stayed with me and I often think about her and wonder how her kids are. I'm not in touch with them. I also think often of her other close friends from the time and how they must feel. We all knew she was struggling and had tried to kill herself before. She was such a lovely person, beautiful, kind and great fun.
It's a really hard loss to come to terms with.
But I really don't think there's anything anyone could have said or done that would have made a difference in that moment. She was surrounded by people who loved her and cared but she just couldn't carry on.
You have my sympathies OP.

BarbiesWorld · 30/03/2023 12:33

Thank you all so much.

Can't help but replay our last conversation and what I could've said or done differently. But then I knew he was struggling but never would've dreamed he'd do this.

Is it normal to be so angry with them? I'm heartbroken and a mess and so, so angry and just want to scream at him and then I feel guilty and honestly, it's the worst thing.

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/03/2023 12:42

I think anger is a very normal and not unusual part of grief. However you feel is valid - you've got some very complex and conflicting emotions to try and process.

Maryslion · 30/03/2023 12:47

My closest friend committed suicide last year. I miss her tremendously. There are so many things I would only speak about to her. It’s hard, really hard.

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say I understand.

Squamata · 30/03/2023 12:53

I've lost a very close friend to suicide and I know how you feel. She was also my go-to support friend. I spent months just howling every chance I got.

Yes, I think anger is normal. They've deliberately taken an action that made you feel this way. They could have chosen another course. It is additionally painful because it feels so unnecessary and they feel like they've just slipped through your fingers, as if you could have grasped them if you were a tiny bit quicker.

The most helpful thing someone said to me is to picture your life like an island or landmass poking out of the sea. This is a big landslip and the ground under your feet has literally given way and it's terrifying and raw. But in time that just becomes the new landscape, flowers grow up over the mud etc. And you can extend your life (the island) in different ways, even if that bit is gone forever. I suppose the gist is that it's not about waiting for these feelings to go away, but learning to live with them and eventually feeling your life is full again from other sources.

It's 8 years since my friend died and I still feel a profound sense of wrongness, injustice and a bit of bitterness about how she died. But I have come to terms with knowing she felt totally hopeless and desperate and that was the only way out that she could see.

A positive thing you can take from it is seeing how much every person has a network of people around them who are bound up by bonds of love because when someone dies suddenly like this, all those connections are kind of highlighted by pain and you can see how far the ripples spread. Everyone is important, and vulnerable, and precious. You can use this to teach you how to appreciate the world around you and the people in it.

Use the Samaritans if you need to talk, or reach out to friends - even if you don't feel close, you might be surprised at the response.

Our bodies also hold on to grief - exercise (walking, running, swimming, cycling) can help your body to get some of the tension out, help you sleep better etc. A long walk somewhere green can be a really important way to look after yourself. A shock like this makes your body go into crisis mode, you need to take care of it.

boopee · 30/03/2023 15:08

Yes it's quite normal to feel angry. Even if it wasn't normal, that wouldn't mean it's not ok. It's ok to feel things–and sometimes unusual things–when grieving.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you how to get through the coming weeks or months. Or years. I'm only on this forum today because today I can't stop thinking about someone I lost the same way over a year ago.

What I can tell you and others feeling the same way in similar situations is that there's nothing you could have said or done. Nothing you could have said at all.

Selfcare12 · 30/03/2023 15:56

@BarbiesWorld sending you lots of love and healing 😔 I too lost a very good friend this way, and to make things worse, we hadn’t left things on the best of terms on our last interaction.

It’s one of the most devastating things I’ve had to try live through and I still sometimes struggle with feelings of guilt and a tendency to replay our last interaction and think of all the ways I could have changed the outcome. I have experienced every emotion available, including anger, at my friend, at myself, the health system, the list goes on. It has been a really tough road, but I did finally reach a better place and some acceptance regarding the incident.

I finally accepted that my friend was clearly very unwell, and that if I had know the severity, I would have done something more. It’s just so very unfortunate that I didn’t know the severity. When my friend wasn’t unwell, they loved life and lived it to the fullest, I wanted to honour them by trying to recreate this attitude, and in doing so, found comfort, as I felt they were with me in some way.

I think it’s all about taking it day by day, finding what works for you to help you through this, and doing it.

Please take care of yourself, thinking of you x

Middletoleft · 30/03/2023 16:03

Think of all the good times.

My best friend for a long time, did the same. We'd drifted apart and hadn't spoken for a while as she'd been seeing someone.

I was shellshocked and it took me so long to get over it really. I felt so guilty for not being more aware or emphatic of stuff in her life.

cushioncovers · 30/03/2023 16:07

My closet life long friend committed suicide last year and I'm still devastated by it. I miss her terribly. Sorry for your loss op.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 30/03/2023 16:13

BarbiesWorld · 30/03/2023 12:33

Thank you all so much.

Can't help but replay our last conversation and what I could've said or done differently. But then I knew he was struggling but never would've dreamed he'd do this.

Is it normal to be so angry with them? I'm heartbroken and a mess and so, so angry and just want to scream at him and then I feel guilty and honestly, it's the worst thing.

Those are all normal things to feel when someone dies, I can only imagine that a loss to suicide is worse.

You will feel so many emotions and feelings that you didn't think possible over the coming weeks. I'm not going to lie about that. The only thing I can say is, seek some counselling. You need to talk about your feelings and bereavement. Make some sense of it all, which does take time.

Flowers
saraclara · 30/03/2023 16:14

But quite the same, but I had to talk my best friend down from their tenth floor balcony, a few years ago. It was the middle of the night and I was an hour away, so could only talk on the phone to him.
He finally came in, but I was so distressed (having had to try to be calm throughout the entire interacction) that i immediately called the Samaritans, for a kind of debrief. Had I said the right thing/wrong thing? What if this happened again?

The most helpful thing she said (which is why I'm posting) is that the decision to take one's life is their decision.What friends and family might say to them is highly unlikely to change anything. And had he gone through with it, it wouldn't be due to anything I said or did.

I'm so sorry. Do reach out to the organisations that can help you deal with this.

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