Hand hold needed - telling 3yo today

[BridieConvert]

Need a handhold please and a bit of advice/words of wisdom.
My 3yo DC's grandparent passed away this week and I am telling them today. I know they're not going to understand and I'm dreading all the questions

How 'mature?' Is your dc. Out of my four kids I wouldn't have bothered telling my lads at that age. My girls I would as they had far more understanding.

Sorry for your loss

Don't be afraid. Yes they might be upset but that's normal and we need to be open about life and death with children as no information leads to fear.
Make sure it's age appropriate and there is some great literature online of what words to use depending on child age so have a look online.
Worlds like Grandma has died and is up with the angels or something that aligns to your beliefs is fine xx
Lots of cuddles x

She is very mature and very aware of things going on. She has a lot of empathy and definitely knows that something has upset mummy.

thank you

Well in that case of course you have to tell her. When my dm died we simply told my grandson that great nanny had died snd was with her mum and dad in heaven and we will see her when we go to heaven.

That's what we believe so no porkies. Lots of cuddies and reassurance but try not to dwell to much as she's very young

I think general advice is not to use anything that compares death to sleep. I’m sorry you have to do this.

The advice I read, was to be factual and to the point. Don't use phrases like 'passed away' or you've 'lost' etc because children can't necessarily understand that.
When I told my then just turned five year old that his nanny had died and gone to heaven, he was very matter of fact and said that heaven is in the clouds and so she can still see us. That was that! We didn't dwell on it but just made sure I answered any future questions honestly.

Do not say 'passed away'. They have died. Be factual about it and answer questions factually. The sugarcoating adults do is not helpful eg 'we lost nanny' 'nanny has gone for a very long sleep'. I dislike people's avoidance of the word death/died/dying and I don't think it sets children up well to avoid them either.

Sorry for your loss

She'll probably take it a lot better than you expect because she won't have the same understanding that an adult would. It's not clear though how much time they spent together, obviously the more involved this person was the more of a hole they are likely to leave. Unless you're religious and genuinely believe it I wouldn't mention heaven/stars etc as it could just end up being more confusing for a child IMO.

I would mention that they were very old rather than they were ill or poorly as dd might then worry if you are ill/poorly that you might die. Also agree with saying died rather than euphemisms and explaining that that's why you've been feeling sad - but then perhaps talk about a nice memory you have.

Sorry for your loss OP.

My eldest was 3 when my dad died. He knew he was ill and had visited him many times in hospital including the day he died so we'd covered the fact that he was dying before hand. We explained that Granddad had died and that meant he wouldn't see him any more. That Granny was very upset and would need our help. We talked about the importance of remembering and that as I was 6 months pregnant at the time, he'd have to help me tell his baby sibling all about Granddad. He came to the funeral and said his goodbyes just the same as everyone else.

Don't underestimate how much a three year old will understand. Did they see much of them/know they were ill?

As a previous poster, don't use language which could be confused as anything else such as "sleep", "passing" etc. There are books which can be helpful, dc1 liked Paper dolls (Julia Donaldson) and I'll always love you (think it's called that) by Debi Gliori which aren't obviously about death but let you talk about it.

Thank you for your responses ❤️
She saw him every week so she will definitely feel the void I think. It was very unexpected and he died at home so unfortunately we were unable to prepare her beforehand.

We’ve had the conversation and just kept it very matter of fact - “grandad died so we’re not able to see him anymore. The ambulance people tried to help him but they didn’t manage”. As we don’t personally believe in heaven we didn’t say anything about that a, as a PP said that would confuse her and it didn’t feel necessary. She had a cry and we had a cuddle, she told me she’s going to help me look after granny and she’s going to tell lots of stories about him to her baby sister.

I’ve bought a book called the invisible string which my friend suggested to me as a good one for dealing with grief/loss but I’ll definitely look at the other ones too!

Registered 🤞🏼

Rabbityness is a lovely book for young children, probably the one we found most helpful. OP.

Sorry for your loss. You did it in exactly the right way.
This sounds harsh, but your 3 year old will recover from it a lot sooner than you will- and this is exactly the way it should be. A 3 year old, no matter how mature, and no matter how often they saw the person, or how close they were to them, will process it in an age appropriate way, then ask you for a biscuit.
Don't expect the child to understand your emotions other than "mummy's upset, just like I get when I cut my knee" etc.
It's nature's way of protecting them from grown up hurt for as long as possible, and protecting us from having to help them deal with that kind of hurt when we feel it ourselves.
I wouldn't buy any books or get into talking anymore about it other than purely factually unless the child shows further interest.

I recommend The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson. It touches on loss and opens things up for conversation. Essentially some paper dolls are made and then someone chops them up with scissors and they're gone. But then they fly into the little girl's memory. It's a lovely reminder that people might be physically gone, but they always leave you with memories.

How did it go? My 2.5 yo son took about a year to stop asking for his gran. He now seems to have decided she has gone on a long holiday to the stars with grandad and one day might come back. I don’t talk about my mum much with him now, as it unsettles him. This makes me sad as they adored each other and saw each other every day especially as a result of Covid lockdown.

It went as well as it could thank you. She hasn’t mentioned him much other than saying “I’m going to granny’s house, I won’t see granda” but she’s been looking at photos of him with my mum :) sorry for the loss of your mum 💐