How do you come to terms with not being anyone's no.1 any more?

[Gymnopedie]

Just that really. DP of many many years died some months ago. Family and friends have been amazing, friends I didn't know I had have come out of the woodwork, and I'm very grateful. But they have their own families and obviously and quite rightly they prioritise them.

Several of these people invite me to go and stay, often for a week or more (I'm a couple of years older and have retired, while for them one of the partners is still working so only has weekends, it's easier if I go to them.) I know this sounds really selfish and pathetic, but recently I've started to be aware that what I get is effectively crumbs. They want me there and again I'm grateful, but I know where I come in the pecking order and when I'm feeling sorry for myself I get very down that I am not anymore, and probably never will be again, someone's no.1 priority 24/7 and they be mine. It's so lonely and seeing them with their families makes it worse. And I know I've got it much better than some people who have no-one.

I've thought about getting a dog, but I couldn't do the visits if I did and for all my self pity that might make me feel worse.

I can't talk to anyone IRL about this because it would be those same people I'd be talking to, and I don't want to make them feel guilty or for them to feel like I'm trying to make them feel guilty. I'd hate that.

Can anyone sympathise/empathise/offer any wise words?

Sounds like your visits compound your feelings so in your shoes I would get a dog and join some walking groups!

I'm can't offer any wise words but your post was rather a lightbulb moment for me and I understand what you mean. Not for me per se but for my Mum. She is in your position and I suddenly feel really guilty that she feels as you do. Please don't feel that you aren't entitled to these feelings. It's a very difficult place to be when your significant other dies and you feel you'll never be someone else's number one priority. And slightly scary too.

It's lovely that you have friends to invite you to stay over but it also gives a glimpse into that 'perfect' life again which can be hard.

Sorry this sounds so trite but maybe join some groups where other people may be in your situation (on their own I mean, not specifically lost an OH). Have you had a dog before? If you get one you will definitely be someone's number one!

Sending you a hug x

I'm sorry that your husband had died and that you're in this situation.

Different cause of the situation for me but I know exactly what you mean by the crumbs. It's an awful kind of gnawing feeling that comes from nobody's bad intentions, however, knowing that doesn't change it.

I agree that getting a dog might me a better idea than you realise. And getting to meet new people in your area. Dog owners always seem to be chatting to each other (I have a cat..they're lovely but don't help me meet people!) so the dog might be more of an answer than you realise. And you don't need to get a puppy either - unless you're up for the training.

I'm wondering if the visits you do are fuelled from a fear of being alone? If this is the case, then is there a way you can work through this? Possibly with a grief/bereavement counsellor as I suspect it's quite common. A dog/pet can also help take the edge off the loneliness and practically mean you're never alone.

There's no easy answer though. Feeling like you're second really does hurt. Even if the people are the loveliest people in the world!

@Gymnopedie Oh yes, me too! Widowed last year and yes lovely friends ( one or two in particular) keeping in touch, checking in and all that, but this state is now forever.
I can’t imagine anyone falling in love with this flabby, lacking energy and mainly sad almost retired woman. And I don’t want to go out there looking for sloppy seconds either.
No familiar hug and flesh to flesh, no familiar scent and smell, no familiar voice and unspoken companionship.
It’s hard work, isn’t it?

And no, a dog doesn’t really cut it, and I haven’t found hanging out on widowed on line groups or bereavement counselling at all helpful.

Me three. DH died a year ago and I recognise everything you say except I can't see myself ever letting another man get close enough to be No.1, I am incredibly lonely and alone (they're two different things aren't they?). Getting a dog sounds like a plan, I miss canine company they are great companions and a good reason to get out of the house every day.

I really do think the dog is a good idea. While I'm not in your position at this time in life, I did get my first dog a couple of years ago. As well as the sweetness, loyalty, fun and cuddles, dog walking is one of the most sociable things you can do. If you haven't had a dog before, it opens up a new world.

But a dog is a massive long term commitment, or an expense to be managed if you get the offer to visit friends. I have a dog and whilst he’s quite cute he’s no life partner and is rubbish at conversation and DIY.
Perhaps think about https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/ instead

I am very sorry for your loss op.

I’m not sure you ever do come to terms with it completely.

This is going to sound horribly trite like some crass self-help manual but I think - maybe - that a grief counsellor will say you now have to learn to be your own number one precisely because friends do have their own lives to prioritise.

It’s a very harsh reality but you are only some months in to the grieving process after your entire life has been turned upside down. You are grieving and it’s hell and as you know you can’t avoid the hellishness. You sound strong to me but a counsellor will help you. And eventually you will start to do things that you couldn’t or didn’t do when your dh was alive and you will develop extra parts of yourself that fulfill you.

It won’t be the same and it will be hard and lonely but given time you will start to engage with life in different ways. And you will have very special memories to sustain you.

A dog might be a very good idea in future as animals always attract other people to you and give you a daily purpose.

Also, many bereaved people I know say that what they miss most is not having someone to do something with, as much as having someone to do nothing with, and a dog, in part, fufills that brief.

Sending strength 💐

A dog, small and manageable- one you can take on a flight if you enjoy holidays abroad would make so much difference. I was alone and desperately sad and lonely for seven years before I met my husband. We have dogs, and I now realise how much difference having a dog would have made.

They give you unconditional love, keep your spirits up with their antics, create a reason to get up in the morning and broker so many conversations with strangers as we bond over our love of dogs. You can’t walk down the road without people wanting a stroke and a chat.

Thank you all for your messages, they've made me cry (and yes I am normally a strong person). I'm feeling far too wobbly to reply coherently but I will.

@Himalayanclouds65 ‘but a counsellor will help you’ and you know this because?

@Himalayanclouds65 and apologies if you have lost your life partner. If counselling helped you, that’s great, for me it was a trite meaningless exercise.

And advice trotted out by those that had never worn those shoes.

I work in a voluntary capacity with older people Agoodidea some of whom find grief counselling very helpful and others, like yourself, not so much. You are right, I probably should have said “a grief counsellor may help you” as it has to be the right match.

I was referring more to their role and how in theory they can assist rather than individual compatibility which is very important in terms of efficacy. It’s also true that grief counselling is not for everyone.

The reason it can be suggested is that there is sometimes an association with the development of grief related mental illness, above and beyond the “usual” grieving process.

The problem is you can never get over it. But people think you can as they have never gone through it. A friend of mine you lost her daughter 15 years ago said that when people say it’s now been so long you must be over it it is also so long since she saw her daughter

Dear @Gymnopedie I am very recently bereaved so it's early days but I already get what you are saying. I don't have any answers I'm afraid but you asked if anyone can empathise / sympathise, and yes, I can and I do.

Sending hugs x

Thank you for the messages, the hugs and the flowers. They mean a lot. And to @Agoodidea, @bloodywhitecat and @balconylife I'm sorry you are in a position where you understand all too clearly where I'm coming from. ((Hugs back.))

@DivorcingEU - Different cause of the situation for me but I know exactly what you mean by the crumbs. Feeling like you're second really does hurt. Even if the people are the loveliest people in the world! Thank you too for understanding. I'm not making the visits because I'm afraid of being alone. The invitations are genuinely meant with the best of intentions, and I don't want to burn any bridges or offend anyone by declining. There will be some times when I really need that support. When I posted last night I'd just come back from a visit that afternoon and I was feeling it very badly. Today I don't feel quite as bad now that I'm home and on my own but that gnawing feeling is still there. I don't have any more visits in the pipeline and I'm going to try to not have any for a good long while. I think I'd actually feel better if I concentrated on being on my own.

It's not that I want any of these people to make me their priority, that would be wrong. It's the hurt of knowing that I'm not now and almost certainly never will be again. Because like@bloodywhitecat I can't imagine me ever wanting to be with anyone else. It's been 14 months and I'm no nearer wanting someone new than I was on the day DP died. I don't think I'd even be interested in DP's clone, because it wouldn't be him.

And clearly I need to rethink my stance on getting a dog. That's a definite consensus!

Thank you all again, so much.

My dog has kept me on the right side of sanity since DH died - so another vote for getting a dog !
I have found counselling helpful - it is the only time I can talk about how I feel without the other person changing the conversation to how they feel iyswim - it almost feels self-indulgent!! Also people don't want to talk about DH to me - they think that this will make me feel sadder?!

Hello, OP. I'm another one who was helped by your post to understand how DM must have felt when DF died. Like you, she was widowed quite young (assuming this from your comment about retirement), and I think found it difficult and slightly alienating spending time with their old 'couple' friends, mostly in their late 50s-mid60s. After she moved house, she made a lot of new friends, mostly also widows (some widowers!) who tended to be slightly older. Eventually she did actually find another partner too, but I think it was the new female friends who were very important.

Sad to say, but many of your friends will be going through the same experience themselves over the next few years and will be lucky to have you as a supportive and loving friend who understands.

No familiar hug and flesh to flesh, no familiar scent and smell, no familiar voice and unspoken companionship.

That's so beautifully put @Agoodidea .So descriptive of how sad it is .

to all grieving .