When will I feel anything more than anger

[YNWAGAWA]

My dear Granny passed away on 16/3/23
We were extremely close and she was more like a mother to me. As far back as I can remember in to my childhood I’ve called her, every day.

I can’t even begin to tell you the absolute shit show that is my family without turning this in to a novel, but it’s toxic.
Gran was the only family member who spoke to me and other family tried to prevent us speaking / me visiting at every available opportunity (I live abroad)

About 4 months ago she went in to a home and the family quickly closed ranks, had her sign a POA and cut the majority of her communication with anyone

I was told I was not allowed to contact the home (as were others)
i was able to drop in using her Alexa
but family then started unplugging this when they visited and ‘forgetting’ to plug it back in so my communication with my gran has been sparadic.

Sometimes a family member had emailed to say she’s unwell/in hospital but you darent ask any questions because they just get aggressive
other times she’s been unwell and no one has said a word.

last Monday I contacted them to see how she was and was told ‘if you dare so much why don’t you visit”
despite them previously telling me I can’t.
I booked the next affordable flight which was for today.

Then in tbe early hours of Thursday morning I received a text to tell me she had gone.

I have since learnt that a family member was with her all night, so they knew it was coming, and chose not to let me know until it was too late.

I’ve heard nothing since. I don’t know exactly how or why she died (although she was 94 and very frail so it’s not unexpected)
I was told while she was alive that I would be unwelcome at the fuberal

And I just feel numb, or I feel angry
Nothing else, I haven’t cried.

i don’t really know why I’m writing this except that I don’t really know what else to do,

So sorry for the loss of your beloved Granny. She sounds like a very special lady.

Your family, on the other hand, sound like a set of cunts. I am so sorry about that too.

I'm sorry for your loss, @YNWAGAWA

My thinking is that the anger at the cunty ones is keeping your mind from your heartache. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Go with the flo, don't rise to any goading, be gentle with yourself

Hi Op
So sorry for your very recent loss,
She sounds like a lovely lady and she was blessed to have good fortune to have you in her life,
Just as you were blessed to have her in your life as a grandmother/mother figure too.

My advice,
seek good effective beneficial therapies or therapy that will help support address personal issues you have from having misfortune of having toxic crap family members,
Look up on Internet all kinds of Therapies help support heal the mind, emotional trauma
I think you need to see a therapist who specialises in Complex childhood trauma,

Your feelings of Anger are very well founded /valid

I am sorry to hear that you have experienced this,

Rest of your family sound like total Arseholes, !!!
You have every right to go to her funeral ,
Do not let them deny that to you,

Is there any family member who is different who is just better than the rest op@YNWAGAWA ?
You could turn too for support or are they all shit people family members?

Have you got good friends you can turn to?

Also seek good bereavement counselling like Cruse charity
Look up on Internet,

Usually people put details of funerals on local communities newspapers and Internet obituaries pages/websites