Lost my mum suddenly with no illness

[iwishiwasonacruise]

I lost my beautiful mum on Tuesday morning, very suddenly and without any warning. My mum was 77 and had suffered from depression and anxiety on and off through most of her adult life, and recently had some worstening cognitive issues and had lost a lot of her dexterity and was due to go for a Parkinson's scan on the day she died.

Apart from having become a bit frail and unbalanced due to the cognitive issues, she was physically fit and well as far as I knew. She was diagnosed with nothing at all.

At 8am I was talking to her on the phone about the scan that day, and at 8.45 I was giving her CRP. I am really struggling to get my head around what happened.

She had help from carers to get up and dressed in the mornings and to get her ready for bed at night. Her usual carer got her up and she walked to the loo, and then she called the carer back to the bathroom to say she didn't feel well, and then I think she just went... I live in the road behind my mum and when the carer called me I must've been there within about 30 seconds, but I think she had already gone...

I did CPR when I was on the phone to 999, and then the paramedics arrived and tried for another half an hour or so until they explained that they had to stop...

I'm feeling so overwhelmed with so many different emotions constantly. I can't get the image of finding my mum like that out of my head, when the carer called me and said my mum wasn't well, I honestly thought she had just got herself worked up into a state about the scan, as she worried about everything.

I can't stop thinking about the horrific processes that we went through to try and help her on Tuesday, the undignified way in which she was on the floor while the paramedics were helping, and all I can seem to focus on was any time that I had snapped at my mum or didn't have the best patience with her.

Aside from the carers getting her dressed and sometimes helping her to the loo, my mum had got to the point where she relied on me for almost everything, to the point where I was scared to leave my phone for two minutes in case she needed me for something either big or small, and because sometimes this could be quite testing, there wete times when I snapped at her. I had taken every single issue off my mum's plate, but she would just find more and more silly things to worry and panic about, which was frustrating at times, but I just feel such tremendous guilt about it, and that's all I can seem to focus on, even though I do know, realistically, that I did everything I possibly could for my mum every day of her life, and everybody does keep reminding me of this.

I just can't imagine that I will be able to focus on anything else ever again. I wish it was the happy and fun times that would come to my mind, the times we used to laugh, but it's just not.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings of overwhelming guilt and I don't know if it's natural and normal to feel like this?

My poor husband and children don't know what to do, they are trying so hard to be so lovely and supportive, and I can see my poor kids looking at me before they speak to me, to see if I've been crying. I am not normally a crier ever.

My brain just can't seem to make sense of all the different things it's trying to process. I don't know what I expect from this post really, I just felt like it might be helpful to even write it all down. Thank you to anyone that's got this far ...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in a similar way, almost three years ago.

What you're feeling is completely normal. You'll go through a range of feelings and emotions. I never thought I could be in so much pain. And the guilt I felt, and sometimes do still feel is terrible.

I would say, in time have some counselling. It did help me quite a bit. There are lots of bereavement groups and charities that can help.

Sending you a big hug.

I am so sorry op. Take life minute by minute until you can manage more.

I'm sorry for your loss x
I lost my beloved dad 10 years ago in very similar circumstances.
I performed cpr too.
I - honestly - felt like I'd never smile again. I felt utter panic that I couldn't remember his voice.
What I can tell you is that you won't always feel like this.
When I think of dad now I remember him with my 2 dc who he idolised. I remember his laugh. I remember the happy times, but I can vividly recall the shock and despair of those early days.
Please be kind to yourself. Accept offers of help. Cry. Talk about your mum xx

I'm so sorry, that must have been so awful for you.

I just can't imagine that I will be able to focus on anything else ever again. I wish it was the happy and fun times that would come to my mind, the times we used to laugh, but it's just not.

I promise it won't always be like this. It's very early days but you will remember her as she was. I lost both my parents to illnesses and for a while I couldn't get their last weeks out of my head but now when I think of them, they're as they were at their best. The mind is an amazing thing and knows how to heal 🙂

I am.thinking about yiu and sending you my best wishes at this terrible time. Be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry that you have lost your mum in such a difficult way. But remember that the carers, you, the paramedics all did what you thought was the best thing in those minutes. A sudden collapse like that will always leave thoughts of how it should be have been managed, could it have been more dignified etc. But over the coming days you will be able to focus more on the good memories, It really is only a couple of days since it happened, be kind to yourself.

((((HUG))))

I'm SO sorry 🌷it won't hurt any less, but in time you learn to live alongside it, you did a lot for your Mum. It's natural to a but snappy under the circumstances, it's natural to regret it.

hug your kids, tell them you love them and all they need to do is be themselves 😘

So sorry for your loss

You wouldn't be human (and neither would she) if you had a perfectly harmonious relationship with your mom every moment of every day of your life. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

I am so sorry for your loss. That sounds incredibly traumatic. There is no right or wrong way to feel at this time - be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss and all that happened that morning, I can not imagine the disbelief.

You're an amazing daughter op, from all that you've written and that you were there so quickly.

Sorry again. Xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss you sound like a wonderful loving and caring daughter. Be gentle with yourself.

It's very early days for you and you've had such a shock . Just take it easy on yourself. Thinking of you at such a difficult time. It must've been very tough on you doing the CPR and watching the paramedics . You'll need a good break when everything is sorted .

I am very sorry for your loss 💐

Your mum will have died knowing she had a lovely daughter who loved and cared for her, especially as you were on the phone that very morning obviously caring about her scan.

I know it must have been a real shock for you, but your mum will have been unaware whilst you were giving her CPR so she won’t have suffered 💐. You were very brave to give her CPR and you should be proud of yourself.

Life is hard and stressful and we often snap at the ones we love, but regardless of that your mum will have known how much you loved her I promise.

I'm so sorry, I lost my mam very suddenly just after Christmas and she too collapsed in the bathroom. My dad had to give her cpr but he says he thinks she had already gone.

The shock is horrific, I still can't believe it and it's been almost 11 weeks. I am back at work now which has helped and I can talk a about it all a bit more now.

Please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to message me if you want to chat.

So sorry for your loss OP. It was very brave of you to do CPR and try your best to help your mum.

My mum died aged 46 from a terminal illness. I always remember her telling me how in a way she was lucky as she gets to say goodbye. When you lose someone you never get over it. You learn to live with your grief and be happy again.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't feel brave, I just feel awful, I don't want anyone telling me how well I did or what a lovely daughter I was because all I can think of are the times I could have done more, or done things with more of a smile on my face, and I worry that my mum felt like she was a hindrance to me.

I loved the absolute bones of that woman, but by god there were times when she frustrated me too. There are three of us, me and two brothers, but everything that NEEDED doing fell to me. I was fully responsible for my mums whole life. My brothers would visit but that is all. Many many appointments, phone calls, errands, shopping lists, trips to the loo (sometimes in the middle of the night), prescriptions, popping round for silly little things eg tv not working, phone not working, lamp hasn't come on, quilt has fallen off of bed etc, you name it, I did do it, I ALWAYS went, but I did often huff and puff about it because I knew other people could have offered help, but they didn't, and that wasn't my mums fault, but obviously she's the one I was huffing and puffing at, simple because life is stressful and I have my own home to run, two kids, two jobs and my own general shit to manage, but now I just wish I had done every single one of those things gracefully and with a smile plastered on my face because I know at times I must have made it clear that I was a bit frustrated with it all 😞

But I did mean to start that post off by saying thank you so much for all of your messages...

I also lost my Dad very suddenly to what turned out to be an Aneurysm, it's 10 years on now and I still beat myself up that on the last day I stayed longer at the shops with my newborn dd than I planned while he and my Mum were waiting for a call to say I was home so they could visit.
By the time I got back they only had time for a 30 minute visit and I still feel so much regret.

It does get easier I promise, I have to remind myself of all the good things I did for him and focus on the fact we had a great relationship.

I know you don't want to hear what a good daughter you were but it's true and nobody could have been full of cheer and smiles whilst doing so many caring duties, it gets you down, same as it would have got your Mum down if she were doing it for her Mum.

So many people have said to me that it's good he didn't suffer and whilst I do really appreciate that I didn't have to watch him deteriorate and be in pain from some terminal illness I still feel robbed and cheated of the chance to say goodbye and prepare and tell him how loved he was.

Sadly I don't think there is ever a way to lose a loved one that leaves the bereaved completely at ease and guilt free, it's such early days but in time you will hopefully find peace by knowing that you were indeed a great daughter and did so much for your Mum

With a sudden death you not only have to deal with the bereavement but the shock too and I think the shock is often worse.

I am so sorry@iwishiwasonacruise 💐

CPR is brutal, traumatic and shocking for those involved. It's going to take time to get your head around it and your experiences this morning, even before you get to your grief and pain at the loss of your wonderful mum.

Don't deny any of your emotions. You don't necessarily have to understand them, especially so soon. They will be many and they will be complex, changeable and powerful.

Caring for relatives is hard. Incredibly hard. It's tests us to our limits and beyond. And the stress pools over into our relationship with the person we're caring for. I hope, in time, you'll be able to recognise your relationship with your mum as a bond that encompassed everything, the good and the bad. Healthy relationships make room for the short and bad tempers as much as they do the joy. It's all love, and that's wonderful - there are very, very few people in the world you will ever experience that with.

Your mum raised you and your brothers, she would have understood and got the frustration don't you think? The fact is that you showed up, you were there. The same way she was parenting you all. It's tough and a strain but it's love and she knew that.

You shared something with your mum that no-one else did, so when you feel guilty and ashamed please let go of those feelings. You are human and normal and your love carried you through, day after day.

I'm sorry, Tuesday morning (autocorrect changed Tues into this)

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, OP.

My mum died suddenly nine weeks ago. She was 76 and wasn’t ill (at least she had not been diagnosed with anything life threatening). It’s my father who have CPR back home in France and called me in the UK afterwards.

Probably the best advice I can give you is to take things one step at a time. I think my brain has only been letting through small amount of information at a time - as if to protect me.

I can relate to what you say about the guilt. I’m trying to push it away but it’s hard. My mum had a sudden and very painful back ache when we were visiting at Christmas. I now think it was an aortic aneurysm which had started bleeding. I didn’t Google it, I didn’t mumsnet it…I just left the day after Christmas telling her to make sure she went to the GP. I feel like the worst daughter in the world.

It sounds like you were very present in your mum’s life and very caring and I hope that, in time, you will see that.

Sorry I don’t have any better advice or words of wisdom.

Sending you strength for the days and weeks to come.

Sorry for your own loss and thank you for your message. My mums situation sounds sound similar to your mums. Mum had aches and pains all the time, some of them we went to the GP about but some we waited to see how things went. I could have had my mum at the GP for something every day to be honest, because she was an older, quite immobile lady, and things did hurt. I am secretly dreading the post mortem giving me a cause in case it is something I should have investigated further, but in my own mind I do know that mum found it difficult to describe things, like if she had a pain in her side and I said "does it feel muscular ie does it hurt when you move, or does if feel like you just need a poo?" She would just say she wasn't sure, so it was very difficult to gauge. She would also obsess and focus solely on one thing, eg a pain in her foot for days on end, but if she had a tummy ache the next day, she would stop mentioning the foot completely, so it was very difficult to know what was serious and what wasn't...