My mum is dying and I'm worried about my reaction vs DH handling the loss of his dad

[movemamamove]

So my mum is dying and I'm a mess (which is understandable IMO) but I feel guilty/resentful/bad for DH who lost his father last year. He was obviously devastated but essentially just got on with life without falling apart and I feel like a fraud for not being able to do the same. He's being super supportive and hasn't said or done anything to make me feel this way but this is really weighing me down at a time I just want to focus on my mum and be able to grieve in my own way when the time comes. Any advice?

Everyone grieves differently, there's no right or wrong way to do it.

He had his way, and that is fine. There is nothing to say that at some point in the future he might not still fall apart, grief doesn't have an official start and end point, he might not be done yet. He obviously understands you're in pain and he is supporting you, so please don't second guess your feelings, just let him help you along.

And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It must be really hard.

I was devastated when my mum died suddenly 30 years ago and can still get tearful at times so let yourself feel what you need to - everyone is different and men seem to be less emotional than women in general.

i think it took my about 5 years to start coming to terms with it.

sorry for your loss - and be kind to yourself.

Every death is different. Every bereavement is different. Every grief is different. I have felt guilty not to be as devastated as I thought I should be when someone died. We are all afraid of being judged, but please don't judge yourself.

Could it be that your dh was completely devastated in his own way, and that's why he is supporting you now?

You can’t do grief wrongly.

What are you comparing? What’s ‘falling apart’ vs not falling apart? Normal life has to continue, we all have to deal with death and then go to work, deal with loss and then cook dinner, grieve and read a bedtime story, cry in the shower, lean on friends at social events etc. And you will too.

Most of the immediate aftermath of death is all practical and there’s no way round the arrangements, the phone calls, the will, the funeral, the celebrant, the invitations, the notice in the paper, dealing with their place of work, booking the food and the service and the readings and the outfits, the other family members and their feuds, the utilities, the house, the life insurance, their stuff, the pensions, it’s endless. So everyone dealing with death suddenly has to deal with all of those things in addition to normal life and going to work and looking after DCs, I wouldn’t call that falling apart. I’d call that having a shedload more on your plate than you did a few weeks ago.

im sorry for your situation and hope your DM finds peace x

Echo other posters - there's no right or wrong way to do this. Be kind to yourself.

Also, the falling apart I did when my mum died was probably largely in my head - I felt devastated but probably didn't show it to everyone. He was probably unhappier than he let on.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and hope you get a lot of support.

You grieve as you need to. There is no right or wrong way. My dad died 18 months ago and I cry daily. My friend lost her mum and she said it took five years to stop crying. It's fucking shit OP. All my love x

I lost my Dad 5 weeks ago and genuinely feel like I've fallen apart at the seams. When DH's dad died, he cried on the day but just got on with life... but they had a very different relationship.

There's no right or wrong way to get through this, just your way