My gorgeous little Emma-Lou bug would have been 16 a couple of weeks ago. I got through her birthday OK, but today, the day she died, has hit me like a tonne of bricks.
She was born extremely poorly, they didn't know during pregnancy (I knew something was wrong and was called paranoid, but that's by the by).
When I gave birth and she was placed on me the whole world stood still for a second. I saw this beautiful, perfect angel, with a mop of dark hair, and then she was gone as they saw she was struggling and whisked her away.
She had brittle bones, which had been broken throughout pregnancy and birth, and she couldn't breathe, but that couple of seconds of seeing my stunning daughter will stay with me forever, I didn't see her injuries, just her.
She was placed on a ventilator and had test after test, but she was just too fragile for this earth and she was taken off the ventilator 2 weeks later.
I spend days and nights reading, singing (she had the most perfect eye roll, and it told me she hated my singing) and talking to her, my poor little girl just got more and more poorly as time went on, and eventually it was too much for her.
She may have spent her tiny life hooked up to machines and in pain, but, my God did my daughter have a personality, she had the absolute cheekiest face, and the most expressive huge, dark eyes, the hospital staff were all in love with her too, it was hard not to.
I had the choice of 15 minutes with a curtain around us on the ward to say goodbye, or to take my time in, what was essentially, a store cupboard, I chose that option, and I opened the window so her soul could fly free as I held her so carefully and played music to her as she died in my arms.
She is so loved, and was so wanted, if love could have saved her she would have lived a thousand lives. My kids and I will have some angel cake tonight, light a candle and have a few quiet moments thinking of my gorgeous little girl, my fragile little angel, my little Emma-Lou ❤