Birthday

[beingdifficult]

I guess it a kind of AIBU. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago. Funeral is next week, my birthday is today. I'm not big on my own birthdays but usually do a cake and a meal for the sake of the kids. I don't ordinarily want presents anyway unless something token or small. Think a very simple person with simple tastes like a bunch of tulips or some cadburys.

DH said we should do something even if just cake for the kids sake. They are 12 and 10. I told DH I didn't want my birthday acknowledged in any way and it wouldn't upset the kids as they wouldn't remember it was my birthday on their own without being reminded by someone.

DC 12 wishes me Happy Birthday getting out of the car for school. I said thank you and asked if DH had reminded them. She said yes. DH wished me Happy Birthday this morning. A white floral bouquet was just delivered. I thought at first they were sympathy flowers from someone but they are his birthday flowers to me as he wanted to get me something plain. We've spoken many times over the years we've been together that I don't want flowers delivered and if he wants to buy me flowers then I'd be really happy with a bunch of tulips/ daffodils etc.

He came back for a work trip away at the weekend. He bought the kids chocolates and me a box of Godiva. I'm sure some people would love that. We have had the conversation many times that I'm not a fan of posh chocs and they are wasted on me. Am I ungrateful and horrible that it just makes me sad and particularly today that I've said what I want/ don't want but he has to decide that's not right?

I think this it’s odd this is your focus. Your daughter wishing you a happy birthday and your husband buying you chocolates at this time.

but 🤷‍♀️ I’d hazard a guess the issue in your marriage must go deeper than this

Sounds like your DH is trying his best to cheer you up a little bit. I know you won't feel like celebrating a birthday when you've got funeral arrangements to be thinking about but maybe just say "thank you DH" and carry on. Happy birthday 🎂 and I'm sorry about your mum x

Odd though he doesn’t listen about what you want though.

I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

You're not selfish or ungrateful, I felt exactly the same last year. My younger sister passed away in her 30s a week before my birthday. I'm not big on birthdays anyway so asked everyone to just forget it for just one year.

My husband did very similar to yours. It actually hurt that he couldn't respect a pretty small request in the grand scheme of things. However where we do differ is that both of my girls know when my birthday is and both had bought me something prior to my sister dying (she was only in her 30s, we weren't expecting it). It was an odd day at the very least because I really didn't want to reject what my children had planned but equally just wanted to be left alone.

Sending you support and best wishes for the coming week. None of this is easy, but navigating birthdays I've found especially tough.

@Vegrocks I'm not upset with DD in any way, she didn't know I didn't want to mark my birthday and I thanked her. Just wish DH could have respected my request to let it pass. Dd's a lovely girl, very kind and caring.

@Jb2182 thank you. I guess you are right and he would feel bad if he didn't do something.

I’d be surprised your 12 year old DD didn’t know the date was your birthday anyway.

How is your marriage generally? Has he been supportive?

@GenuinelyDone thank you for responding so kindly and sharing your experience. I'm not very good with words or what to say but I'm so, so sorry for your loss and I hope the pain lessens.

@Vegrocks DH is a very good man and father, kind and caring. We've had ups and downs but have come through, some maybe due to him being so nice that he's been taken advantage of. He wants to be supportive. If I asked him to do something (rather than nothing) I know he would do it. I just wanted my space today and to not mark it. If I could have just stayed under the duvet today without causing concern and wait for the day to pass me by I think I would have.

Could your DH be worrying you could look back and think of him at heartless at not acknowledging your birthday? It's the sort of thing my DH would do. It doesn't come from a bad place.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Sounds like a lose-lose situation for your DP. Cut him some slack, it's hard to support grieving spouses especially with kids. (Not that its not infinitely more difficult for you)

In that case

I would hide this thread and hide it no more thought but if he continues to force the issue today - be direct with him “no more. Very difficult day. Absolutely no more”

@mummyh2016 @thisplaceisweird @Vegrocks I think you are all right and he is in a hard situation. I'm feeling bad for posting so I will take your advice and hide the thread now.