My sister’s husband took his own life. How can I be there for her?

TwinkleToes84 · 28/02/2023 22:14

Maybe send her a text let her know you're there for her if/when she needs you. At least if it's a text there is no pressure on her to respond instantly, she has time to think about her response or not to respond at all. But at least she still knows you will be there for her if/when she needs you.

maddy68 · 28/02/2023 22:21

Space but still communication.

YesILikeItToo · 28/02/2023 22:23

Go to her.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2023 22:24

Regular contact. Ask her how you can help. Tell her you are here for her. Keep checking in, lightly, even if she doesn’t respond. Maybe send some vouchers for ready made meals to take the pressure off her.

So sorry to hear this

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2023 22:24

YesILikeItToo · 28/02/2023 22:23

Go to her.

And this too, if you can.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 28/02/2023 22:31

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2023 22:24

Regular contact. Ask her how you can help. Tell her you are here for her. Keep checking in, lightly, even if she doesn’t respond. Maybe send some vouchers for ready made meals to take the pressure off her.

So sorry to hear this

This is what I was thinking with meals. Vouchers for Just Eat or meal boxes for example.

What do the children enjoy? Could you take them out for a day to a zoo or swimming and lunch to help them but also give your sister space to make any arrangements or just have some time for herself? I know you mentioned you aren't geographically close but are you able to drive there to visit at a weekend for example then offer the rest of your support from your home?

hoorayhooray · 28/02/2023 22:35

Oh shit
What a thing
Practical support will be needed

Maybe some research into counselling for her and kids

Def freezer filling/ doing laundry /cleaning

Help with arrangements
Sorry to hear

butterfly990 · 28/02/2023 22:40

Give her membership to the charity widowed and young WAY.

They have localised support groups across the UK.

Let her know about the Bereavement Support Payment. She needs to apply promptly.

Sorry that she finds herself I this situation x

Smartiepants79 · 28/02/2023 22:42

Contact without pressure? Making sure you’re there and thinking about her without her having to respond if she doesn’t feel like it.
Offer any practical help you can but, again, without pressure.

Backhometothenorth · 28/02/2023 22:47

Yes the role of a loving aunt to the kids will be a crucial and meaningful thing if you can visit

Sarahcoggles · 28/02/2023 22:49

YesILikeItToo · 28/02/2023 22:23

Go to her.

Don't do this.
The last thing a bereaved person wants is someone staying with them who they're not close to.

drpet49 · 28/02/2023 22:51

Sarahcoggles · 28/02/2023 22:49

Don't do this.
The last thing a bereaved person wants is someone staying with them who they're not close to.

Show quote history

This.

BaffledOnceAgain · 28/02/2023 23:18

www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/bereavement-support/supporting-a-loved-one/what-to-say/

This link from the WAY website has lots of useful pointers. Do definitely encourage her to join WAY and claim the bereavement benefit.

One friend messaged me every day for a year with a good morning and a random comment. It helped to know someone was thinking of me.

If you have the capacity to help in the long term, be ready to go and give her a break further down the line. Do the washing up, the washing, cooking etc.. Make sure you are there for high days and holidays when friends will be with their own families. Have the kids overnight so she can have a night off.

Never assume she should be over it or tell her to move on. Even in 5 or 10 years. If you haven't been through it, you simply won't understand or get it right so just listen to her and believe her. My family haven't. Friends have been great and family mostly awful. Don't judge her because hopefully you will never get to understand.

Remember his birthday, death day, funeral date, their wedding anniversary and message her before she posts every year. All are hard forever. Make sure you sort Mother's Day for her until the kids are old enough to do so (or at least check a friend has and send the money). Same for her birthday and Christmas present from the kids.

If you can, I would go and stay nearby. It would be too much to have you staying (unless you can run the house until she can and she wants you to), but if you are nearby you can help - funeral outfits, readings, cars, flowers, music - it's like planning a wedding in a fortnight, but on your own when your head is totally mushed. Anything you can do to support her will help. The kids still need feeding, dropping to school, and there are so many calls to make.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2023 23:27

There’s no suggestion you should go and stay with her, OP.

But to be there physically, even if just briefly, could mean a lot to her.

Gemls3123 · 01/03/2023 16:49

PinkBasket1 · 28/02/2023 22:09

I love my sister very much. But we are not close and live very far apart geographically. She has young children and it happened very recently.

what can I do to support her? . My instinct; knowing her personality, is to give her as much space as she needs. She has very close friends with her.

I honestly don’t think you can. Be supportive and show you’re there for her but let her grieve. My mother took her own life and I don’t think anything anyone has said has helped me. Time will heal x

Original poster

PinkBasket1 · 01/03/2023 17:15

BaffledOnceAgain · 28/02/2023 23:18

www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/bereavement-support/supporting-a-loved-one/what-to-say/

This link from the WAY website has lots of useful pointers. Do definitely encourage her to join WAY and claim the bereavement benefit.

One friend messaged me every day for a year with a good morning and a random comment. It helped to know someone was thinking of me.

If you have the capacity to help in the long term, be ready to go and give her a break further down the line. Do the washing up, the washing, cooking etc.. Make sure you are there for high days and holidays when friends will be with their own families. Have the kids overnight so she can have a night off.

Never assume she should be over it or tell her to move on. Even in 5 or 10 years. If you haven't been through it, you simply won't understand or get it right so just listen to her and believe her. My family haven't. Friends have been great and family mostly awful. Don't judge her because hopefully you will never get to understand.

Remember his birthday, death day, funeral date, their wedding anniversary and message her before she posts every year. All are hard forever. Make sure you sort Mother's Day for her until the kids are old enough to do so (or at least check a friend has and send the money). Same for her birthday and Christmas present from the kids.

If you can, I would go and stay nearby. It would be too much to have you staying (unless you can run the house until she can and she wants you to), but if you are nearby you can help - funeral outfits, readings, cars, flowers, music - it's like planning a wedding in a fortnight, but on your own when your head is totally mushed. Anything you can do to support her will help. The kids still need feeding, dropping to school, and there are so many calls to make.

This link is really helpful, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkBasket1 · 01/03/2023 17:18

Sorry posted too soon, Thank you everyone for your messages.

I actually live in a different country to my sister. Its a short flight away. At the moment I'm trying to sort out our parents who live in a third country and sometimes near her when they are in the UK.

I have other friends in the same town I can stay with, so that's ok. My sister and I are in touch by text. I'm just waiting to see how it plays out. Because there needs to be an inquest, it could be weeks before the funeral.

OP posts:

bereftmother · 01/03/2023 18:18

It might not be too long, depending on the circumstances. My daughter took her life in mid November. The postmortem was a few days later and then her body was released and we were able to have a funeral within three weeks. Her inquest takes place next month.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/03/2023 18:34

I'm so sorry about your daughter, @bereftmother 💐

2bazookas · 01/03/2023 18:38

Give her some space.
In a few weeks time she might be very glad to get away for a bit, come for a visit.

There are websites for the surviving families of suicides, take a look.

Original poster

PinkBasket1 · 01/03/2023 20:22

bereftmother · 01/03/2023 18:18

It might not be too long, depending on the circumstances. My daughter took her life in mid November. The postmortem was a few days later and then her body was released and we were able to have a funeral within three weeks. Her inquest takes place next month.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
I think for now, my sister will be busy with the admin, the processing etc. Its going to be afterwards that the reality of life without her husband will hit her...

OP posts:

Beachhutnut · 21/05/2023 22:54

Tell her it's not her fault. As a suicide survivor ( that's what they call those of us left behind) she will need to hear that. Next talk to her about him as much as she wants. Everyone stops talking about those who die after the funeral and that's exactly when the bereaved need to keep remembering and sharing. Practical help may be hard from a distance but maybe a book on surviving after suicide or something like a heart locket so she can wear a picture of him close to her heart. Mostly keep communication channels open. She will need you. It's a really hard thing to go through.