Teenage DD struggling (and me too!)

[january123]

My DM passed away last week and although not unexpected is a huge loss.
As a family we are grieving but I'm struggling with DD. She has always had huge waves of emotion and if she feels something the rest of us do too.

Everyday I'm getting calls from her sobbing down the phone demanding I pick her up from school, that no one understands and how this is far worse for her than anyone else. She loses it at anyone who attempts to reason with her and I've lost count of the times I've been screamed at.
I know for a fact that school are supporting her well and she has a lovely group of friends.

I get that she is sad but also I'm getting a bit exasperated that she doesn't get that I am grieving too. My DM meant the world to me and I feel bereft, yet there doesn't seem to be space in DD's head that Grandma was also my Mum.
I am also trying to navigate all the arrangements and am exhausted.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry I have no good advice but sadly really do understand. In our case its my DM's husband who seems quite shocked that some days I don't care about his issues with everything, and just want to be home grieving my parent. After 2 months of it we are getting better at ignoring him while finally taking the time we need. Hopefully you'll get some of that

Oh that sounds so hard. My sympathies to you for the situation and YOUR huge loss. I don't have any advice from experience I'm afraid as I've not experienced anything like this yet.. but it's coming for me as my DM is terminally ill. I just didn't want to read & run. Are you with DD father? Can he take over a bit as her sounding board? Our teenage DDs don't see us as 'people' - they are by nature totally self absorbed.. maybe a friend/ other relative / peer could have a word with her at the right time... but generally I think you're just going to have to ride it out. It will ease and pass for her I imagine quicker than you. Take care x

Thank you.

I am with DD's father and he tries his best with het but not easy. DS just swerves clear of her to avoid risk of getting his head chewed off.
Just seems to be the "me me me" show and zero empathy for anyone else

You know I would just tell her pretty straight that she's not the only one suffering, that you lost your mother and have a right to expect a bit of kindness from her right now. I think I might even go so far as to ignore her calls from school. Is she a drama Queen usually?

Winstons wish have lots of support available to help you to help your daughter www.winstonswish.org/supporting-you/supporting-a-bereaved-child/

They also link to a service that teens can directly interact with where she can view resources or speak to people who understand grief in young people and may be able to help her process it in a more constructive way help2makesense.org/get-support/

im sorry for your loss, so so sorry. If it’s any consolation my kids who were very close to granny, were devastated for a couple of weeks then seemed to bounce back pretty well. Still some sad reflective moments but mainly fine.

Yes 100% drama queen and I suspected this might happen. She's also insisting on reading a piece she's written at DM's funeral which in theory is a lovely idea but frankly is causing me anxiety over how she will handle it. This is also her first funeral.

She is 15

It’s YOUR mother,
YOU choose what happens at the funeral.

Terrible idea.
tell her to get a grip.

I think grief does turn some people very self centred. My FIL died a couple of years ago and his wife, my DH's step mum, became very self centred. We absolutely acknowledge that he was her husband and she would have the biggest impact, but she seemed to totally forget the sons and grandchildren he'd left behind. She even wanted the eulogy written in a certain way (to erase his past) and asked her daughter (who FIL wasn't keen on!) to read it.

She's got better, but we really saw the grief had made her unable to see anyone else around her - very upsetting for DH and his brother.

Does the school have a counsellor?

It sounds as if she is expecting you to fix how she feels and to make it OK. She might feel a childish anger with you that this is not fixable.

I'd agree that you can say to her that she is not in a state to read at the funeral and that it is a time where the most important thing she can do is to be part of the family being there together. Ask her to find out how another relative is feeling and to support them - get her out of her head a bit. Alternatively is there another funeral job she could do - help with the wake food or something?