I want time off but feel like a fraud.

[AnotherCountryMummy]

I don't know how to say this or what is 'normal'. I know it's different for everybody.

I lost my darling Dad ten days ago. He had cancer. I took a couple of days off to be with him during his last days in the hospice. He passed on the Friday.
I then had last week booked as annual leave anyway, for half term.

I went back to work today and it's all too much. I can't concentrate, I feel sick and exhausted and I just want to lay in bed.

We only get 3 paid days of compassionate leave, which I've used. I think I need some more time off. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Looking after 3 kids last week was hell, especially as toddler had a sickness bug too and then I got ill. The timing was horrendous.

Anyway, I can't afford unpaid time off. But can the doctor sign me off? What for? Is grief a thing that one can be off work for? I'm sorry if that sounds so dumb - I genuinely don't know what I'd ask for if I went to my GP.

I guess I feel like a fraud for using my Dad passing to take time off work.

Sorry about your dad. Compassionate leave is basically for admin. You aren’t well enough to work and of course it’s an appropriate use of sick leave.

After my mum died, I had nearly a month off work. I have great employers and they gave me it all as paid leave but if there's no wiggle room on this then you should definitely ask to be signed off sick. You're sick with grief and need some time to begin to process everything.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your GP would sign you off, at least mine would. Losing someone you love is extremely stressful. When my brother died I tried to go back to work immediately and made a pig's ear of every task, grief and organisational skills just don't go together! Any decent employer should get this - have you tried asking them? They ought to be sympathetic, but if that fails, your GP should sign it off.

Yes definitely speak to your GP. I went back to work two weeks after my mum died and then crashed in October half term and ended up being signed off for two weeks.

Absolutely see your GP. You're quite clearly not fit to work. I'm so sorry.

Tbh your manager ought to be checking in with you and keeping tabs, this sort of decision is in itself difficult to make in acute grief.

Thanks for your kind replies.

My manager has said that I'd have to take annual leave if I want time off (really shocked by this). So I think I will go down the GP route.

It is totally normal for your GP to sign you off for this. I took 3 months when my Dad died and nobody would have been surprised if it was more.

Please look out for yourself, your manager probably won't!

That’s so harsh expecting you to take it as AL. Yes go see your Gp at least you’ll get appropriate time off to feel a bit more resilient

Yes, of course your GP will sign you off. It’s normal and to be expected.

At my work there is compassionate leave and bereavement leave. If this isn't an option for you then absolutely get signed off.

Your manager is an idiot for saying this. I'm in HR and any manager spouting that would have their knuckles rapped where I work.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you can take the time you need.

You NEED to get signed off 💐
Take the time to process what’s happened.
Its important that you look after yourself at this really difficult time.
Take care.

I took 2 weeks off when my MIL died, my doctor signed me off with stress for the second week. I was needed to support my DH after an awful week of watching her fade away, I needed to keep the house running and the kids sorted as DH couldn’t and obviously I was devastated and grieving too.

Take all the time you need. Dh was off over a month, he just phoned the doctors, explained the situation as they basically said how long do you want me to sign you off for.

Absolutely get signed off! I was off for a year, split between 2 absences when my son died. 6 months the first time, went back for a few months then off again when it was getting close to his birthday and anniversary, I really couldn't cope at all.

The dr put bereavement and depression on my sick notes

I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago, but sadly run my own business with DH so I've only been able to have 1 proper day off since he passed away. I'm so exhausted and stressed that i'm making horrendous mistakes but luckily our staff have been really kind and just worked around it all.

If I worked for someone else, I'd get signed off for a month. Early grief is like walking through quicksand.

Do what you need to do for you. My DH had a month off when his father died in Aug 2017 and four weeks again after his mother died March 2018 the dr spoke with him over the phone and signed him off without any issues. It was the best decision for him. Some people can just return to work and use it as a distraction but others need to process their grief.

I lost my father suddenly in October so it was a huge huge shock to me. i initially had 3 weeks off until the end of October, (1 week was annual leave for the half term) i went back at the beginning of november but spent much of november "WFH" although to be honest it was alot of mooching on the sofa sadly. then came december and the run up to christmas and to be honest i went into work one day in the second week of december in tears and went home again. i wasnt diagnosed but i definitely was depressed/had a breakdown.
im fortunate that my employer paid me for all that time off and but i have also been with them for 9 odd years and been hard working good employee all this time also.
i would definitely get signed off, as 10 days is not a very long time since the bereavement at all, as i was still struggling some 2 months later (it started to get "better" after xmas).

all the best xx

I had 2 weeks compassionate when my dad died and I thought I wanted to be at work to keep busy but in truth I was incompetent and making a mess. I wish I had asked for longer.

I also wish I had asked for longer. I also ended up taking annual leave for the second and third week. Although I did get the second week back as I found you could have a second week of compassionate leave that was discretionary.