Please can I have a handhold and advice

[Whatonearth2021]

My mum passed away on Jan 20th - she had been poorly but this was unexpected. My poor dad is utterly lost and has also contracted pneumonia. I have brought him to live with me and my 3 DS. I’m a single mum with two high pressure jobs. My brother is abroad although thankfully arriving soon and the funeral is Monday. I’ve arranged everything - including designing the order of service, visual tribute. Chapel of rest visit etc. I am determined to do everything I can to make everything go as well as possible for her sake but also for my dad. I’m delivering the eulogy as my brother is too upset.
Ive been pretty numb throughout- like my brain hasn’t accepted what has happened. But the past few nights I’m not sleeping - I’m in intense discomfort/ it feels like all the pain is trapped inside my body if that makes sense? I have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. It’s compounded by the fact I have an important deadline at work the day after the funeral.
I guess what I’m asking is how do k get through this and release my grief in a healthy way whilst continuing to support everyone? Thanks for reading

Sorry for the loss of your mum. The truth is you can’t - you are under a huge amount of pressure so will be in fight or flight mode for a bit and I dare say you won’t start properly grieving until after things have settled down. I think this is normal though for high stress situations. Focus on doing what you can do to avoid burnout - drink plenty, sack off anything that doesn’t need doing right now. Anyone else that can help with your dad? Is this a permanent arrangement now? 💐

@Whatonearth2021 i'm so sorry for your loss 😔
The sleepless nights and organising everything i can completely relate to as i had the same when my Dad passed away. I took paid special leave from work which did help, i just needed time to take it all in and rest.
Not sure if you could do this and someone else could assist with your work.
Sending you lots of strength to get through this time xx 🙏

Thank you both. Yes my dad living with us is permanent - he wants that and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But it does mean that I feel like I constantly need to be in “brave face” mode if you know what I mean?

Regarding work - what is usual? Both jobs were very kind and gave me the week off after she died and also the day of the funeral. But I feel like I need more time even if unpaid - but I don’t know if I should just get on with it. I really have no idea what’s considered reasonable?

Hi @Whatonearth2021 i have known two friends to have taken months off work sick when their parent passed away. I took 2 weeks off, it did help, especially after the funeral i just slept and took rest. I work very hard at my job and am very dedicated but i had to put myself first and just needed rest and time to take it all in x

You need to go to the dr and get a sick note for at least a month - you are under a huge amount of stress. I’ve been there - they will give you one. Be kind to yourself. Don’t risk burnout. You need a lot more time off than just a week with all that has changed in your life right now.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You cannot support everyone all the time. This is not all on you.

It’s lovely you’ve brought your dad to live with you, but he is a grown up, and you can love him but you can’t fix him.

How long is your brother staying for? I would suggest asking him to stay for at least a week after the funeral so that he can take some of the mental burden re your dad.

One really practical thing - write down the eulogy and be prepared to hand it over to whoever is leading the service to read.

You’re doing a brilliant job, and your mum would be proud of you, but it’s ok to look after yourself too.

@Whatonearth2021

I'm so sorry about your mum

I'm feeling emotionally and physically drained just reading your post.

You must try and take some time for you and quickly or your body will stop you in your tracks.

Having three boys and a poorly parent at the same time as two jobs going forward is going to be hectic so looking after yourself needs to be right up there with the top most important things.

Sorry for your loss