Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

How to remember- no grave

26 replies

Name999999 · 09/02/2023 19:48

Name changed for this, my dad passed away when he was 46. He had me when he was 20 so I was 26. Due to our faith his ashes were taken to India. So much happened that I wish I could have been more involved in, the funeral was chaotic. Partly because it was so traumatic as he was so young and it was a sudden death.

But also because he was well known in the community. So very young and loved by many.

The result was it was a very busy, very difficult time. We have open coffins and people were leaving him things to take with him. My mum was so consumed by grief she could barely stand.

I totally had to disassociate myself from my body. It felt like some bizarre out of body experience.

This was 16 years ago now. Now I was to remember my dad, I feel like I want to visit him or have something of his to remember him by. He had no real possessions, nothing expensive, little clothes. No jewellery.

I have photos that’s about it.

In my religion they don’t believe in graves or burials. So he was cremated and his ashes taken to his homeland of India. But he left when he was 8 and I’ve only been there once.

I just now feel I need somewhere to go to remember him. I don’t live near my family and they talk about him together but no one calls me. I did try reach out this year but no one answered although I spoke ti my mum a few days later. She had been speaking to my dad’s siblings on my dad’s anniversary, they all get together.

I guess I want to remember him somehow and I’ve decided I need to find my own way . DH didn’t know him. He only knows it was traumatic losing him young.

any ideas on what I could do? I have no photos of him in the house. My kids don’t really know about him. I just feel like he’s totally gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 19:49

I have some photos in old albums, not many of him when he was older sadly. My graduation I have one.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/02/2023 19:54

Could you plant a nice tree in your garden or make a special flower bed for him?

knottsberryfarm · 09/02/2023 19:57

Could you start by putting up a picture? Maybe now and then light a candle in front of it, on his birthday , the day he died and any other special days.

Did you know there would be a get together on his anniversary? Could you have joined the family?

Was there anywhere you liked to walk together?

Just throwing out ideas here, try some things, eventually you will find what works for you xx

Ted27 · 09/02/2023 20:07

I think I would start by framing one of the photos and having it out in your home.
Did your father have any places he liked to visit?
I think its lovely when you see the little brass plaques on benches, I always read them. I saw one in the summer which just said -For my parents who loved this view. I had a lovely image of then returning year after year with a flask and some sandwiches.
Planting a tree is the other obvious thing to do, if it's not practical in your home there are plenty of woodland projects which have schemes.
Is there any chance of you visiting where his ashes were scattered-

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2023 20:12

Is there anything you can remember doing with your dad that you could replicate as a place to go to in memory? Otherwise I agree about a tree or similar.

Alternatively, you could go to a wild cemetery for a walk round and have some quiet time to think of him.

oishidesne · 09/02/2023 20:24

If I look at this as a religious perspective, you can practice Sharaad once a year on his death anniversary and also celebrate your father's birthday with good food, this is called punya tithe.

Having a picture framed and tree planted in your garden are also really nice ways to remember.

WeepyWillow · 09/02/2023 20:38

Are his siblings here or in India? Can you fit in a trip to see some of them? Are you and your mum able to talk about him - although that may still be upsetting.

Your aunt's and uncles will hopefully have some stories to tell you about him.

My mum has a grave and left me some bits of jewellery which is comforting but seeing 'her people' also helps.

Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 20:45

Yes most his siblings are here. My mum has said it’s a real struggle for them to talk about him. My own brother barely acknowledges his death as it remains very hard. There was a period of time where I would not post his photo on Facebook as my SIL said it sends my brother spiralling.

I will frame a photo that is a great idea as is the candle.

I think if I am ‘home’ at his anniversary it will be way too painful. His siblings have never really recovered and it is hard for my brother.

I have not been to where his ashes are it’s a river where all my family’s ashes are. I think mum said it’s hard to get to. I wish I had gone all those years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 20:46

My dad’s step brother tells me stories of their time growing up. I’m keen to go visit him. My dad and he were close but he’s not so close to the others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 20:48

To PP on faith I think you may have confused we are Sikh. So there is nothing to do the for dead when they are gone. There is nothing to do as their souls pass on. If we cry or grieve too much we are calling their soul back when we should let it go.

I can’t believe 16 years on I’m still processing this.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 09/02/2023 21:19

Do you know where he was cremated, I was told there was a book of remberance or similar at the Crematorium for my dad.

Saturdaynoon · 09/02/2023 21:27

Two things spring to mind.

Grieving - I wondered if it was a river? I would be tempted to find a beautiful place by a river near to you and make ghat your safe space to grieve. Water cycle means that water flows everywhere tbh, so your river will be as much a place to grieve as his.

And please see your gp about bereavement counseling. It is extremely hard to be told you can't grieve when you need to grieve, and a counsellor can help you unpick this.

Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 22:08

Yes he was cremated at our city crematorium. I was there. My mum took his ashes to India.

Ive had so much counselling over the last 16 years and currently with a psychotherapist. Think I need to revisit my grief as it’s shocking me I’m still processing it at this level.

OP posts:
Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 22:09

Yes it was a river - I never thought about the continuity of a river. There is a lovely brook near us I could visit there. Thank you. This is all really helping me.

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 09/02/2023 22:11

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/02/2023 19:54

Could you plant a nice tree in your garden or make a special flower bed for him?

We have a cherry tree in honour of my MIL 🙂

Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 22:12

CharlotteStreetW1 · 09/02/2023 22:11

We have a cherry tree in honour of my MIL 🙂

Show quote history

Yes I really should, I’ll speak to DH. Maybe a magnolia I love them.

OP posts:
Fluffyowl00 · 09/02/2023 22:16

In our family we always cremate, so no graves either. Where we live there is a ‘memorial wood’ where you can buy a tree, which is planted and then go and visit it (and decorate it- within reason). We now have 10 trees in the wood for deaths and births and it’s lovely (and also sometimes sad) to go and celebrate the family. Is there somewhere near you where you could do the same?

MyCreation · 09/02/2023 22:31

In my religion we light a memorial candle on each anniversary of a loved ones death. It burns for 24 hours . Would this be something that could be a yearly tradition . Maybe you could light a candle by a framed photo of you DF and something that reminds you of him. The idea of visiting the brook nearby also sounds a lovely way of remembering him. Or perhaps have a small tabletop water fountain that you could put a photo of him near?

purplepandas · 09/02/2023 22:34

We have a tree and a bench for my daughter ( no ashes a she was too tiny). Try life for a life as they have beautiful places over the UK (memorial forests).

BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood · 09/02/2023 22:38

I would get a bench with a plaque and put it somewhere you associate with him. All the other ideas are good too. I am in the same position as you . I find it really hard to have nowhere to pay my respects. My mother wouldn’t get a bench for him either which upset me.

Sunshinealwaysfollowstherainstorm · 09/02/2023 22:52

My nans ashes were scattered somewhere I am not able to return to. Twice a year, her birthday and her anniversary, we go to a park she took me to as a child. Just me, my dh and our children. We have a picnic and just have family time. We talk about her and my memories of us together.

Last year, my dh bought me a Rose Bush called grandma's rose. It is in now planted in our garden in her memory.

Original poster
Name999999 · 09/02/2023 23:01

Sadly I left home when I was 18 and rarely went back for those 6 years. It was complicated and I had to distance myself. So in a way I feel like that was when I lost him. We had no real special places, quite a dysfunctional childhood.

Ive put that all to rest, I know Dad had his demons. They both did the best for us that they could with the cards they’d been dealt.

photo and a candle seems so obvious but I didn’t think of it and it’s something I can take steps on now.

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 09/02/2023 23:16

my father was particularly proud of a male cardinal (bird) that would come to the back yard feeder. seeing this bird really made him smile no matter how much pain he was in.
when he passed away i bought a tiny ceramic cardinal which i place in a planter by the front door. when i see the bird i think positive thoughts of him being surrounded by the love of the family especially his mother.

Original poster
Name999999 · 10/02/2023 06:36

I was particularly close with my Grandmother and yes I know they’re together as mother and son. It’s very hard and I wanted to say thank you for your ideas.

OP posts:
Whattheladybird · 10/02/2023 06:39

If you were able to sponsor a bench near a river or brook or something. Just simple like “for Dad”, could that be your special place to remember him??