Should I have said this?

[Diversion]

My Mum had a form of cancer for 10 years and died at the end of November. She was very determined, never complained and never asked for help. She was very ill on the day she died but refused to let my Dad phone and ask us to come. I did not need the call, I just knew that I needed to go and be with her and was. I still have not cried apart from an occasional tear and not the outpouring of grief I expected or wanted. I had to advocate for her as death neared, not easy without a DNR or advance decision. The paramedics were going to take her to hospital and she wanted to go at one point, but then it became clear from her observations that she would not make it and the decision was made to keep her at home and keep her as comfortable as possible. She was in the special chair to get her downstairs at that point. I had to explain gently that she was very unwell and that the paramedics thought that she was dying. I am absolutely beating myself up that I should not have told her that she was nearing the end of life, but both me and Mum always said things as they were and I could not have lied. Was I wrong to be very honest with her or did I just allow her to pass comfortably in her own bed in her own home and not in the ambulance or on a trolley in the hospital as would probably have happened?

I think you did the right thing, i am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself x

I'm sorry for your loss op. You said what you thought was right at the time, if it felt like the right thing to say it the moment, then it was the right thing to say. No one knows your mum and your relationship like you do.

I think you did exactly the right thing and I imagine she knew anyway and would be very glad to have been at home with her loved ones. I’m sorry for your loss.

No point being truthful all your life with her to then let a lie be the last thing you tell her. You would have regretted lying to her more I think. You were true to her and to yourself.

I'm so sorry that you lost your mum. There's no right or wrong answer on what to say to people who are dying. It sounds as if a good decision was made to give her as peaceful a time as possible, and if you would normally speak frankly to each other, then that was a good decision too.
It's easy with a bereavement, to go over and over what happened, how it might have been different, what should or shouldn't be done - I know as I've done this myself. But what does that achieve? Your mum would want you to forgive yourself, knowing that you absolutely did your best.

She knew she was dying op. Please do not worry about that, you did the right thing telling the truth.

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum

Oh I think you absolutely did the right thing. You stayed true to yourself and your mum and the relationship you’ve always had, where honesty mattered.

You helped her to be able to die comfortably, in her own home, with her loved ones around her.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

You did the right thing for your Mum. You acted in your Mum's best interests and you acted out of love. No mother could ask more of their child.

I’m pretty sure clinical staff would have done the same op. It was the right thing to do.

I’m going through similar guilt about my parent’s sad death last year but gently, I think you need to remember the love and good times rather than dwell on this. She was fully present for that and she was committed to making sure you didn’t suffer or be inconvenienced so please remember that. Her love for you. Not a few moments she may not even have been fully aware of at the end.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think you did the kindest thing. I'm sorry for your loss

I had a similar experience with my mum. We did what we had to do in that moment because it made sense. Anything else would have felt wrong. It was a tough decision but enabled your mum to stay at home. I know how much it hurts but you can absolutely guarantee that she would have understood and be proud of you. It's natural to replay the whole thing, I did many times, but it won't bring her back. Try and make peace with this and remember happier memories of when she was well. I promise it does get easier in time. Big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

You definitely did the right thing, but it is very common when a loved one dies to feel guilty about something you did or said.

But you didn't. You were with her. You prevented further discomfort for her.

Of course you did the right thing, @Diversion.
I lost my mum recently too. She was in hospital and faced the opposite decision- that she wasn't well enough to cope with
the journey home.
It's a very hard thing to go through and I guess that you are second-guessing what you did.
Please don't beat yourself up. You were honest, and if your mum was anything like mine, she would have seen through a lie in an instant. You didn't do that to her, and the end result was that she passed away in her own home.
Like you, I haven't begun to truly grieve. I think it's a way of your brain only allowing you to deal with what you can for the time being.
Be kind to yourself.
Your love for her shines through your post.

Who can decide what's right or wrong in these situations? All you can know is that you did what you thought was right at the time, and who can do more than that?

Very special to be able to die at home. My mum didn't get that, I wish she could have.

WRT being the person who told her she was dying, that must have been tough for you. I remember the hospice doctor telling mum she was dying. She was actually relieved to hear it straight. She visibly relaxed to face the inevitable.

My mum had cancer for many years too. We just got used to it. When the end finally came it was a shock.

It's still very raw for you. I have been over and over my mum's last days in my head. And it has taken me several years to process that she's not coming back.

Sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself.