How to stay dignified when I feel broken?

[Barkybarkynutnut]

I hope i m on the right thread.... My elderly mother passed away at the weekend. I got the chance to see her with my DC beforehand. We live far away. She has always been very emotionally distant and dismissive of me. My older sibling, 13 year age gap, was very much wanted, loved unconditionally and adored by my DM and extended family. Me not so. Out of the loop. Over the years i ve realky needed a fanily for support, comfort etc. They never were that interested. I eventually moved away cos my DM started picking on my DC and i couldnt handle it. I could not let them go thru the toxicity that i had experienced.
When my DF passed a few years ago (he and my mum divorced. She hated him.) there was a kick off as my DF left half his estate to me and half to my sister and neither she or my mum thought that right. It was awful.
So my mum left everything to my sister in her will and nothing to me. She even wrote that i proably wouldnt want anything anyway?! The last swipe i suppose. The final last word. My sister has no dependants. She is wealthy. Hasnt worked for years. And a copy of our mum. I am a single parent with three teens. I work part time. Had to shorten my hours as my son has a chronic illness and cant attend school.
I need to attend the funeral. I think. I think her only grandchildren should be there. I need this finality. I waited so long for her to soften towards me but she hasnt. My sister does not recognise any of this. It makes me feel i m going mad. My whole life has been dominated by this narcissism. Poor choices, abusive partner/husband, overweight, on anxiety meds etc.
How can i act with grace and dignity?

Have you been allocated places in the funeral cars? If not I would just turn up & sit with the general congregation, leave straight after the service & don't attend the wake, you have done your duty. Don't enter in to any conversation with your sister, whatever you say will be wrong in her eyes.

"I need to attend the funeral. I think. I think her only grandchildren should be there"

Why?

Are you sure that this is to your benefit? I'm not sure why you would want to, or how it would help you or your DC- and that's all that matters.

I'm so sorry for the appalling treatment you've experienced. Don't expect to understand it, just focus on putting it in the past.

I'm going to quote another user speaking about something different, but still relevant. Substitute 'mother' for 'man':

"At this point in my life I am now aware that the man in these situations is incapacitated in some way. He lacks something. This prevents him from behaving normally.

It has nothing to do with you. His issue means he only treats women like this and not other men. He can control who he directs it at, but that’s still part of his “disease”. His perception of you as a target has nothing to do with you.

If I walk past a gate and a vicious dog jumps up and barks madly, I’ll get a fright and my heart will beat out of my chest but I’ll also know that the dog’s perception of what’s happening is limited by its lack of awareness, and its behaviour is driven by its nature and its previous experiences. I want to get away from the dog and be safe, but I know its behaviour is no reflection on me. I feel the same way about these men."

This is not about you, it's a deficiency in her.

I'm sorry that your Mum and sister have behaved like this towards you. You don't deserve this and it is not your fault. A child (you) should never be made to feel like you were not wanted and treated so unfairly. You are understandably grieving not just your Mum's death but also for the relationship you should have had with her.

Incidentally do your DC actually even want to go to the funeral of a grandma who treated them so badly ?

As a suggestion, perhaps you could post this on the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board for advice.

That's an excellent post, @picklemewalnuts.

I'm so sorry you didn't have the relationship you deserve with your mum, OP. At times like this I really wish that wills could be overturned. I daresay your sister will leave everything to charity, while showing no charity at all in her life.

Personally I would go to the funeral or your dsis will use your absence as a stick to beat you with to other mourners.. Stand tall op. Then walk away from her forever.

I nc with my dm. Will go to her funeral for the shock factor. She reinvented herself when I went nc. Her 'new life 'people think she has no dc.. They have no idea of her true self...

It was @Mamette who wrote it elsewhere, but I'd literally just read it and it was so appropriate.

I'm so sorry. Attend,if you feel you need to, but under your own steam, do what you feel you have to, and leave when you are done.

Then draw a line, do not let your DSIS replace your mother and rule the rest of your life now she is gone.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation and am sorry for your loss. I'd suggest attending the funeral just so as not to give your sister any reason to point a finger. Hold your head high. I assume there was no reason for them to object to you having half of your father's estate. (no need to answer!)

OP, I did not attend my toxic narcissistic mother’s funeral. It is not compulsory.
Only go if you feel it would give you closure, or be of benefit to you. There is no other reason - you certainly have no need to mourn her loss, either alone or in company.
As the family “scapegoat” it would only be painful to have to meet up with the “golden child” - your sister - at the event in any case. Your unpleasant mother played you off against each other, and your sister sounds very much on “team mother”.
I would avoid the whole ghastly event, frankly.

I would attend and sit through the ceremony peaceful in the knowledge that you are nothing like her and have made a new narcissistic free life without her

Thank you so much to all the PPs advice. Some very supportive advice. I will go. But under my own steam.

leave when you want to.

I think you are making the right decision to go to the funeral. Take your children if you can, but as others have said decide when you get there how you feel about going on to any wake or reception afterwards. If you take the children make sure you sit at the front of the cream/ church/ chapel so their position as grandchildren is recognised. If you go on your own then as with the wake, decide on the day where you want to sit.

I am assuming you have not been asked to speak or contribute to the service. Other people will notice, and it will not reflect badly on you if it is seen that your sister has taken over the arrangements without your input. You might well find that your mother and sisters attitude to you is not reflected in how other people see you, people often do observe family relationships.

How disgusting that she cut you and your children out of her will.

The final shot. But you know what don’t you let these horrors influence your life in any sort of negative way - they would love that?!?!

Do something for yourself - it’s never too late?

I take it you are not in Scotland? As you can’t cut your children out of your will there

OP you've had some good advice re funeral and how to cope. I don't have experience of this as my mum is still alive, but I wanted to say I understand how you feel - needing that family support, that mum who loves you, and not having it. I'm also a single mum and OMG the difference it would make, if my mum had been loving and supportive. I've also had the lifelong anxiety, bad relationships etc.

And the way she hurt you in her will and the words in it - I want to give you a big hug, that's awful. I'm not sure you ever really leave this kind of thing completely behind, but you can heal and as PPs have said, understand it's not about you.

her Will says everything about her, how she is incredibly unkind, how she has played favourites and been a very poor parent to you. She should be ashamed of herself and you should be very proud of yourself.

Thanks again. Such wise words from you all. I m feeling much clearer about it now. Hugs to you all

Could you contact any of the bereavement charities for counselling? Also how to discuss this with your teens. I don't think they need to attend.