Not a widow but more than losing a friend

[chatelai]

I had a fairly intense relationship from summer '19 to summer '20. It ended towards the end of lockdown due to living in different counties. His decision, but we parted as friends.

During the summer of '21 we had some meet-ups that weren't dates (I was seeing somebody else by then), but always ended with a big hug, and a very chaste kiss. As he put it, when we were going out together we went from 0-100 mph in the blink of an eye, far too fast, but we had too many unforgettable times to be anything other than good friends. I think we both valued the warmth we had together, and were doing a pretty decent job of keeping that kindled.

He died suddenly just before Christmas '21.

A full year on, and I'm having a bit of an issue with grieving.

I don't know anybody in a similar position to talk to. It feels wrong equating my situation to that of two friends who were widowed in the last 3 years, although they have both been very supportive and incredibly sweet to me.

Just that, really. Can anyone relate on here? I miss the silly old sod.

I think you're in your head. Rather than feeling and working through that, you're trying to define it. Feelings can't be thought about and rationalised.

Can you just feel what you feel, accept your lovely friends being lovely, and offer loveliness back?

He mattered to you.

It doesn't matter in what context or relationship. You shared something special and that's gone

Grief is entirely appropriate for that situation and there's no sliding scale for pain

I'm sorry for your loss x

When someone I loved with whom I also had a distant relationship died, it tore me apart. Best thing I did was buy a couple of books on grief from Smith's. Reading other people's experiences of bereavement and that they did get over it really helped, as did learning that a month, 6 months, one year etc tended to hurt more.

I didn't think I would be able to ever move on or get over my loss, but I did.

Oh and grief isn't a contest. Yours is just sat valid as someone who lived 50 years with their partner. I'm some ways your grief will be greater because of all the "what ifs".

He was your very close friend who you loved
He died young (before 60?) and unexpectedly

You weren't in the country he died in so have that geographical distance that becomes confusing to get your head around his suddenly not being in this world which can become drawn out grieving - it makes it harder to seem real and to process

Please talk to someone - Cruse is a wonderful support

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

 @chatelai
I'm so sorry for your loss

Also you don't need to equate it to losing a partner
A good close friend who you loved and once had a romantic relationship with (with possible ongoing feelings of acceptance of end of your romantic relationship that couldn't work as LDR) is a huge huge loss too. He was a wonderful person that you adored and loved - and his death is so incredibly sad for you.
You're allowed to grieve as much as you need for the loss of a very close adored friend . He was irreplaceable and had his future cut short.

Get angry, let the shock sink in, bargain and cry, howl , whatever you need to do. (Maybe not to your bf!) Those are normal stages of grief and I suspect you haven't felt able to process it.

Also you don't need to equate it to losing a partner
By this I meant you don't need to compare to your widowed friends, (nor feel it's not legitimate to grieve), same way they don't compare their grief to someone who's sister or brother died or best friend died ... they are different losses but also painful in different ways. When you lose a partner who lives with you, it's immediate and people (hopefully) rally round and life changes very quickly, and that's a steep hill to climb straight away but in some ways the in your face immediacy of the loss is a cruel kindness. (The rest of a partner dying is not...)

Loss is loss and each loss has its own path to walk.

Thank you for your lovely responses.

I know that I need to give my head a wobble and allow myself to recognise that I have lost a good friend and an ex-lover.

Current friend knows about him and is cool with giving me space and a shoulder when needed. I do keep most of it to myself, hence needing to say something in the safety and probable anonymity of MN. I want to cry, rage, scream, plea-bargain with God.

For transparency, I have fairly well developed impostor syndrome, in this instance exacerbated by a person who was also an ex of his who spent the funeral and some time afterwards announcing the of course she was the one true love, his confidante etc and I was some poor little chicky he'd messed about with, and she knew all about me because he'd told her all about me, and if I only knew the truth... I was very polite to her, then blanked her.

He also left an ex wife, who still has a lot of love for him and is really having a hard time with it all. He was that kind of man. Easy to love, easy to be friends with.

Shake that bag up a bit, and I've found myself questioning my rights to grieve him as a lover and sometime partner. Does that make any sort of sense? It did when it left my brain, not sure if it translated onto the page too well!