Remembering the moment a loved one died... (May be upsetting?)

[nickytwotimes]

my Dad died almost three years ago. It was a relatively sudden death, if that makes sense? He had a brain heammorage and was recovering when he took another one and ended up in a coma for 1 week during which time he gradually "shut down". My mum and husband and i were there the whole time and were put up by the hospital who were fab.

To get to the point, I frequently feel lik eI am going through the actual moment he died over and over. I'd never seen anyone die before and though I knew about Cheyne Stokes and all the weird things that happen to the body, I was horrified to see it happen to my Dad. Is this normal? I feel like i am going nuts sometimes. I think it is rotten that in our society we are so unprepared for what death looks like that it is like a horror film. Sorry to put it so strongly but i find it so hard.

Don't stress you are not going nuts. I have regular recollections of the moment the phone rang, dh answered and i knew by his voice it was bad. I was 4 months pg with dd2 and the news was that my healthy grandad had gone for a walk at 2pm and never came home. after a search he was found led next to a field gate over looking the fields and his house in the distance. I took it the worst of all that family and have to pass that gate everyday to take the kids to school. so i live that phone call and the events after it everyday. i know how you feel really i do.

it is quite shocking seeing someone die though isn't it. I'm not sure how you can prepare yourself for it, especially if it is someone you love.

I think it's quite normal seeing it in your head - I too can recall, quite clearly, the few people I've seen die. It's odd isn't it.

It doesn't dominate my thinking though - only if someone mentions them. I imagine if it's dominating the way you are thinking, it might be worth asking for some bereavement counselling or perhaps talking it through with someone?

Many thanks for your replies. I have posted this twice by accident! Silly!
As I have written on the othe rthread, I am going to broowse the Ccruse site and see if i think i need to talk to someone. Will also talk to dh when he gets back. Off to see to ds, who doesn't wan tto sleep tonight so thanks in advance too and I will check both my threads tomorrow!

Nickytwotimes, I watched my mother die of cancer when I was 16. I agree it's very strange and I have to say that I still have that memory of her, but in time it's been replaced by loads more really wonderful memories. I found this most when my DD was born, I really felt like she was with me when I was in labour. Don't worry, the scary 'end shot' will fade and you'll remember the special times. Good luck with it and good idea to see a counsellor - I did and it did me a power of good.

i lost my dad too nearly four years ago and i still remember crying to him after i was told he had terminal cancer. Just telling him over and over daddy. Daddy. He actually died on the day after my wedding anniversary. I went to see him in his coffin and it looked nothing like him. Like a waxwork if that made sense. I think my heart broke that day and i dont think it will ever be completly whole again. I just chose to lock my grief away. It makes me so sad that he never got to see ds. And also i know if he was here my life would be better and i would have the strength to leave dh. When i get flashbacks to seeing him in his coffin. I try to remember all the good times i had with him and how very blessed i was to have been lucky enough to call him my father. Have you tried talking to a councillor? I am gonna try it. Perhaps talking will help? Sending you hugs

Hi, I'm new here today, but can completely understand. My mum died suddenly of a PE, in my arms, 3 years ago and every day I have a flash back to seeing her collapsed and the minutes that followed. It does not help that it happened in my sitting room so I re-live it every time I walk in there. The flashbacks will come at the most unexpected moments and actually take my breath away sometimes. You are not alone, I think that it is a normal part of the grieving process and will gradually lessen over time - most bereavement counselling says to allow 2 years so at 3 years it is still fairly recent.

hi toratora welcome to mn. So sorry about your mum sending you hugs too

have posted on your other thread xx

What you are describing sounds akin to some kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. It seems to me like a long time for this to be going on and I wonder if it might be time to try and get help about it.
My mum died nearly 2 years ago and to start with I had similar flashbacks to her last few days when she was very ill, and couldn't really remember much before that at all. It was very helpful to describe it all to friends and have them reflect that it had been a very traumatic time for me. I've found I think back to those times much less as time goes on. I think you maybe need some help to move on from the shock of it all.
Sorry if I've missed the other thread and all this has already been said...

Just wanted to say that I hope you do get some relief from your very painful memeories, if that is the right word. It sounds like you were and are amazingly strong and that your dad would have been so happy to have you close by when he was so poorly.

Message withdrawn

nicky, I hope you get some help and support. It is an awfully long time to be reliving the memories.

I was with best friend when her dh died 2 months ago. I could still replay the whole day it in my head like a video but it has stopped dominating my thinking. For you to be going through what you are is awful and I hope you get some help to work through your difficult memories.

Thank you all so very much for your lovely messages. I have cried my heart out reading them, but in a good way if you know what I mean? It has really meant so much to me and I don't know how to say thank you enough!
I am not normally one to give away internet kisses, but xxxxx to you.