Can Anticipatory grief prepare you

[purplerain100]

My dm has had a life limiting diagnosis out the blue. We're looking at 'short years' tho right now she seems ok. Upon diagnosis I went into a terrible dark place for a few days then thought ok she's still here now & seemed to emerge & now through keeping busy & positive thinking I'm pretty much blocking everything out. Life goes on for now. But sometimes my mind wanders to scenarios in the future.. I am not crying all the time but I do feel like I'm living under a shadow.I am so scared though of when it eventually 'happens' - because if it's a lot worse than those dark days of diagnosis I think I'll actually fall apart.. I know everyone is different but in your experience is imagining scenarios helpful in preparing oneself for the inevitable??

So my mum died a few years ago. When she was on hospice care (at home thank God) I was looking after her. When I started to see she has max of a week to go, I started to tell myself every night before sleep that when I got up in the morning she would be gone. And I kept mentally preparing myself for it. It might sound morbid but that's what I needed to do to deal with it better. And for me, it definitely worked. Seeing her dead body on the day she passed was really not something you can prepare for to be honest. But for me, over time that memory has become really hazy as you're just on autopilot when it happens. So it's much easier to deal with now than it was then. It's going to be really hard for a while, and then it becomes your normal. Not easier, just normal.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this x

My experience of this is that you are too busy with everything and your empathy takes over for the dying person. You get on with it. There is no standing about crying at the time as often by that time you realise it is a life process to get through and sometimes one that is "for the best". You hope that in time you will have someone who is there for you.

I'm sorry for your news and wish you and your mother the best.

Both my parents (and a sibling) died after long and painful illnesses. My mother had a massive stroke and I felt I'd lost her that day and was terribly distressed that night.

By the time the end came with all three all I felt was relief.

I hope so. My mother has been severely disabled since her stroke 15 months ago and everything she valued in life is gone. I hope for her death every day.

I think losing my mum will still affect me but an awful lot of what I feel i hope will be 'free at last'.

Agree with previous posters. My worst moments were before my parents died.
Relief that they weren't suffering any more replaced that.

I went through this with both my parents when I was in my early twenties and early thirties, but my brother was a sudden death so I suppose I’ve experienced both. You do start grieving straightaway, and in my experience it prepared me more for the last few days - I remember when we had the initial diagnoses thinking that I didn’t want to be there when my mum died. But the six months I then spent caring for each of them kind of made me stronger in a way, and I ended up wanting to be with them when they died. I did, and those final hours will always be the most profound moments of my life.

The one good thing about finding out you’re going to lose someone is that you can say goodbye. So tell your mum you love her in words and deeds as often as you can. You can’t say it often enough.

My mum died 5 months ago after a long illness. I did find having had the time knowing it was terminal helped prepare in a way though obviously it was still awful. In the end we were 'hoping' every day that she would let go as she was in such pain. Lots of complex emotions.

One thing I wish I had done was ask her about her funeral as she told me a year before a specific reading she wanted and I didn't note it down. By the time I asked her again she couldn't remember.

Another thing to consider practically is care as we didn't realise what caring for her at home would entail really.

Hugs.

My parent died recently.

Watching them slowly suffer in pain and indignity was far far worse than their actual death.

I was relieved when they actually died because it was over, no more suffering. For them or for us watching it.

I was far more traumatised and grieved by their final months than by the death itself.

I would add, I did feel closure after my mum and dad died, that we’d said everything that needed to be said. My brother died without warning and I’m still trying to deal with that - I feel cheated that I didn’t get to tell that naughty, funny, mischievous, argumentative, awkward man that I loved him and would miss him so much.

The one good thing about finding out you’re going to lose someone is that you can say goodbye. So tell your mum you love her in words and deeds as often as you can. You can’t say it often enough.

Oh this is so true - I'm so grateful to have been able to say goodbye.

I think so. The not knowing when, where or how is awful.

Can you talk to your mum while she’s well, make sure that you know what her wishes are about the things above and for her funeral. I found it comforting to be able to do those things in accordance to her wishes.

Practically, do you have power of attorney set up for finances and health and welfare? That will help you to be your mum’s voice if needed. Has she got an up to date will? Sorry, I know that sounds crass but it does make things a lot more straightforward.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Perhaps having some counselling now to talk through and understand your feelings might be useful. We have a great employee well-being team in work, do you have something similar?

My mum died very suddenly in December I lived a 5 hours drive away and there were train strikes so just couldn’t get on a train. I hadn’t seen her since summer or talked to her for past few days as working nights and they had moved closer to family.

I remember the phone call saying she was seriously ill, but in hospital. She wasn’t expected to die. I was planning to drive down next day as just finished a night shift.

Next few hours lots of calls from family there updating me. I got to video call her before she died and be there on video when she did die. I was in a trance for weeks and think I still am. I think some preparation wound of helped me grieve it an accept it better.

just seems cruel she was taken so close to Christmas as it was our first one after the covid years together.

Thank you everybody. Though I am now terrified of seeing her deteriorate & actually die (she's my mum, she can't just die!?!?) .. your answers are also reassuring and comforting about the longer term. I am grateful for you all sharing your experiences and send big hugs back to you all too. I guess we are all walking round with our tragedies.. it's part of life, I know.. but it's my first experience of it & with my mum.. so I've had no 'practice' run with less close people & she's still young., it had just never occurred to me this would happen.. naive I know.

My Dad died on Friday, he had been diagnosed with liver cancer in September last year.

I am way more traumatised by seeing what he suffered in the last few weeks/months than his actual death.

I actually think I cried far more during his life than since his death, so yes the anticipatory grief does prepare you.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mums illness.
My mum died earlier this month after a long illness and gradual decline. It’s a tough journey and I felt as if I was living under a dark cloud a lot of the time. There were lots of tears and anger that this was happening.
however I’m very grateful for the time we had and the memories created over the past couple of years. I feel as if it was a long goodbye and this will help moving forward.

I think the anticipatory grief has enabled me to function better, for instance I returned to work two weeks after her death and I’ve managed to have fun celebrating my daughters birthday not long after she’s passed.
The pain is coming from grieving the woman she was before her illness. I can’t yet look at old photos without crying, that’s the mum I miss.

When I went to visit her in the chapel of rest it hit me that she’s gone and I don’t think anything can prepare you for that. Whilst with her she looked beautiful and most importantly pain free, there was an overbearing sense of peace compared to the last year of her life.

I went through the death of my beloved mum exactly twelve months ago. We had a few days realisation beforehand that she wasn't going to make it through.
There is nothing as painful, for so many reasons.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and wish you strength.

Fortunately I have a wonderful therapist who has been working with me for a few years on a separate issue. She messaged me any time of day or night it was needed. I was already very shaky and wouldn't have gotten through without her.

I can't say whether it's easier to lose a parent suddenly, like we lost my dad in his sleep, unexpectedly twenty years ago, or to have a slow realisation grow on you. Both are massively painful for those left behind.

You just have to go with the way things turn out. Remember to tell her how much you love and respect her. Thank her. Make her comfortable if you can. Look after your own needs for sleep and nutrition.

I'm so sorry. Thank you for answering my question.

Thank you. Good advice x

I'm so grateful for all your experiences. I'm sorry for those on this path, whether it was earlier this week or 20 years ago, I guess we never really get over losing our parents if we were lucky enough to have loving ones.

Yes, I think it helps to anticipate, to go over possible scenarios in your head. When I knew my mum was on her way out I found it helpful to be thankful for every extra day. Today I've still got her! I agree with the point about telling her how much you love her, etc. and talk over everything now, while you can.

I saw a counsellor via my Dad's hospice, and I honestly can't say how much it prepared me for this. I'd highly recommend talking it through - I felt it made me stronger for Dad. It's a long hard journey for your loved one and yourself.

Like @TheWelshTart said, there's no time for real grief at the moment.
I had anticipatory grief for my Dad, who tried to battle glioblastoma for 3 years but passed 6 months ago. All I can say is, do everything you can to spend at much time together as possible. Brace yourself, and make sure you have a good support system in place for when she passes. I'm so sorry ❤

It does help. My mum died of COPD just after New Year but she had been getting more and more poorly over the preceding years. I still didn't quite believe it when she was failing to get better in hospital before her death but knowing it was something that was going to happen in the next few years had already been grieved for.

Spend as much quality time as you can with your mum when you are able to see her. Ask the questions that need asking. Make sure plans are put in place to make it easier on you when it does happen - silly things like funeral plans, financial plans. Always say 'I love you', never leave on an argument and always give her a hug. Those things have been a comfort. We all wish we'd given more of our time but knowing the last time I saw my mum awake I hugged her and said I love you and she said it back is so much comfort now. It was just an hour or so before she lost consciousness.

That's a really honest answer. I understand. It's abit like assisted suicide. I believe it should be legal. Its cruel to see suffering

Both of my parents have died . My father died very suddenly and unexpectedly just after his 51 st birthday and 30+ yrs on I’ve still not fully ok with it . My equally lovely mum died 4 yrs ago this week , she’d been seriously ill for 6 months , for the last 3 we nursed her at home and frankly it was a happy release and I’m perfectly at ease with her death .