Writing to someone who has lost a child

[WashAsDelicates]

What can I say? How can anything I say make a difference? Of course I will write, I just don't know what to say.

I think it very much depends on how well you know the bereaved and how much you knew their child.

When DD died we had lots of cards, some with letters in, some just a couple of lines in the card.
Letters varied according to how they knew us/DD. Some wrote about memories they had of DD and mentioned specific happy times. Others talked about the impact she'd had on their lives/careers (my DD had multiple disabilities and health conditions which required lots of professional input). Those who didn't know DD wrote about what they knew about us as parents and our dedication to giving DD the best possible life and experiences. Some just admitted they'd no idea what we must be going through and how difficult the coming days/months etc would be. Lots offered help/coffee/lunch dates in the future - most of which never materialised! My advice is don't offer help/meet ups if you aren't able to follow it through. I was also surprised at some of the people who didn't know DD and only knew us vaguely but who took the time to write (mostly older generation).

DD died 6 years ago and I still get the cards and letters out from time to time and read them.

Every situation is different though so it's very much dependent on the age and circumstances of the death and your relationship with the family.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you get some comfort from those letters.

I know one of the bereaved parents in a semi-professional way. More than a colleague, but not personal friends. Someone I trust, respect and care for. I didn't know their child at all. An adult child, whose death was sudden and unexpected.

@WashAsDelicates - you sound like a very caring person.

The worst thing anyone can do after the death of a child, is to say nothing. I think a lot of people are shocked and can't handle it or simply don't know what to say, so don't. This is particularly true in the workplace.

It will mean a lot to your colleague to express your condolences and they will appreciate you reaching out and that you are thinking of them. Acknowledge that life is unfair and that it just crap. I would also echo what the PP said about not offering to meet or do something, unless you mean it.

Finally, your colleague will probably be getting lots of messages so soon after. It will mean a lot to her if you contact her again a few more weeks and months afterwards too. The grief is often a lot more painful after a few months as the shock would have worn off. If you are still working with her, when she returns to work, she may appreciate you offering to go for coffee or lunch again or checking in on her on her first day back in the office after her bereavement leave.