My aunty

[LizzyLisa]

My aunty died just before Christmas on 22 December 2022. She died of brain cancer and she died young.

I found out via Facebook and a cousins post. To cut a long story short I have cut off most of my family due to toxicity. I did not expect to hear of my aunt's death via Facebook.

The day I found out I messaged my husband as I fell to pieces. He never offered to come home to comfort me and I didn't dare ask him to come home because it was his work due later that day.

I went to pieces and my daughter's did not know what to do. One messaged my husband without me knowing and expressed her disgust at him staying at work when someone I was very close to during childhood died.

He came home and I was shocked as I knew nothing about the message my daughter sent him. For an hour or two he was ok.

After that he was stomping around the house huffing and puffing. He flung himself on the sofa at one point and said he was going to sleep.

I asked how his behaviour was helping me and what exactly was he home for if he was going to act this way. He said he was very upset he had to miss a work due because my aunt died.

I said do whatever is important to you.

He asked if he could go as he felt he had spent enough time comforting me. I said do whatever you feel you need to do and what is important to you.

At this he had a strop and said now you have said that I definitely won't go thanks.

Anyway over Christmas I had to hide my grief. He was unwell and we had gone to his mothers.

Over Christmas it came out he was frustrated he didn't get to go out and he was looking forward to time out with his work mates.

One work mate he was supporting secretly for months behind my back and lying about texts to her. That issue is in another post.

So anyway he has gone South Africa knowing my aunties funeral was 11 January. Knowing it was at an awkward time. Knowing it would be hard for me to go. Also knowing I am very poorly at the moment and my blood work is abnormal and I am struggling day to day as it is. I managed to go despite all this with the help of one friend. I managed to go despite not getting on with my family. I managed to talk to people I needed to and let my grief out.

When I got home my husband was barely interested and fell asleep without really asking me about it. Nothing I can do about that when he's in South Africa.

When we did speak we spoke again about the way he acted when she died. He said he didn't get to go out and it was a big upset for him.

Last night I offered him a night out when he gets back from South Africa. I said whilst he is there why doesn't he go out. He got funny with me saying why don't I go out. Knowing I am Ill. Then in answer to my offer when he gets back why don't I do it instead as he's not feeling it. Now here is what I don't understand. Why would he act this way about a work due when I have had terrible news and then kick off when I offer him nights out and try to flip it and ask me to go out instead.

I am so confused by my husband. None of his emotions seem on a level with basic human empathy or behaviour. Any insight?

I imagine from his point of view, you aren’t in contact with the family, so he doesn’t understand you’re upset and why it should impact his night out. Presumably, if you were close to this aunt or your cousin, someone would have told you directly rather than you reading it on FB. If your DD is old enough to text him to ‘express disgust’, are they not old enough to offer comfort and offer you support?

I’m assuming the South Africa trip is a work trip or long planned trip. Tbh I wouldn’t expect my DH to cancel for me to attend an aunts funeral, even if I was in touch with them.

I’m wondering if you feeling unwell has heightened all the upset over it all? Sometimes things feel a million times worse when we are feeling unwell.
I hope you feel better soon.

My dad whose sister it was is extremely toxic and without going into details I had a lot of therapy to walk away from him and my mum. When I did so they caused a family rift. The aunty in question was very close to me. I suffer with cptsd so social situations let alone one where there are a lot of people esp my parents are there are extremely tough. I shouldn’t have to justify to my husband the closeness of my relationship with my aunt my grief was more akin to loosing a parent.

I didn’t expect him to cancel his trip but he knew how hard it would be as I have one friend due to my cptsd and no family to see to my younger daughter. Would have been nice if he could have delayed it or helped me sort someone to look after my youngest out. He just was not bothered at all.

My aunty died of cancer. My blood tests have come back and there are two possible causes. One is cancer. So it could have had an impact on how I am feeling because I am struggling with fatigue and major body pain.

Thanks for your insight it was helpful to have another perspective.

You cut off most of your family but still expect them to keep you up to date?

If you care enough to be upset, then mend bridges.