Friend's FIL is dying, need advice on practical help

[StellaLaBella]

Basically, that's it. My lovely friend's FIL is nearing the end, and has in home hospice care. The nurse told them this morning, it will be today or tomorrow.

Unfortunately, both her MIL and DH are the types to stick their heads in the sand and pretend it's not happening, so there has been no proper acceptance of the situation at all. My friend also has ADHD so she can get flustered and over focused on the wrong things (currently that the kids haven't anything suitable to wear to a funeral).

So, I thought it might be helpful to give her a list of things she can do over the next few days to make it a bit easier on themselves. Any advice/thoughts on what that would look like would be really welcome as I've not been through this myself. His hospice team are excellent and will help them navigate burial arrangements and how to tell the younger kids.

1. Do a grocery shop/delivery, with stuff for sandwiches/coffee/tea/biscuits and loo roll, paper towels etc.
2. Start thinking about the eulogy, nice memories, favourite book passage, songs/hymns he would like played (if any).
3. Cremation or burial. And who should be invited.
4. Visitation or post service reception, how would that be catered.
5. Go clothes shopping in the few days lull between the passing and the funeral (we are not in UK, and burials tend to happen with a week or two).

Anything else I'm missing? We will drop off some meals etc to keep them going over the next week or so too.

When my mum died I was most appreciative of my children being collected and dropped from school etc so that I had some emotional space. It’s very hard to get time alone at first because there’s so much to do.

Thanks, that's been taking care of at least!

You sound like a great friend but I would think that your friends husband and his mum will need to work through the process at their own pace.

What you can do is offer as much practical support as possible to your friend - drop in food, or a grocery shop as you suggested, school pick ups - and gently prompt them re the other more personal issues and they’ll also be assisted in this by the palliative care team and the undertakers.

You do sound like a lovely, caring friend, but I have adhd and I would find a list compiled by someone else really stressful. I think it might be better to step back and support more generally with things like taking care of the kids, food etc.

My view would be that it can be surprising just how much time you have after someone dies. My experience after dh died was that very few things had to be done on a timescale.

I would have found a list like this just before or in the immediate aftermath of his death absolutely overwhelming, and I don't have adhd! I think I would just have broken down crying.

Also there are many helpful people who have special expertise and turn out to be able to help out as you go through the sequence.

It's very hard to wait with your friend and not to be able to do anything, but that may be what she needs most. Maybe you could do the shopping in a few days, after the death? I know that was helpful for me.