Struggling to motivate myself

[Ralphiesaurus]

Mum died on 10th December. She was 94. She had been declining for about three years and it had been exhausting trying to balance her care needs with a full time job, disabled husband, and two teenage children. Writing that, I think I am just burnt out. Anyway, lots of anticipatory grief along the way as it has been difficult, and I have had some excellent counselling provided by the palliative care team in the last weeks before she died, for which I am very grateful.

but, oh.

I have to write the eulogy and although I love writing, I am putting it off. I have to sort out the funeral booklets but have been putting that off too. I need to do these things but can’t seem to sort myself out to DO them. It is very childish.

Mum was a difficult woman. An amazing achiever, professionally, and very interesting, but not warm or motherly, and could be emotionally and physically abusive. With the counselling I was able to forgive her, which was a huge step, and healing, but my inner self seems to be balking at standing up and waxing lyrical about her, even though I know she had some splendid and admirable qualities.

Not sure what I am asking. Just being honest I suppose. I can see, writing this, that I just need to get on and do it, and I will. But it is complicated and difficult. And even though it wasn’t the mother-daughter relationship I would have hoped for, she was still my Mum, and it’s only been a few weeks.

For context, my Dad died suddenly when I was 18, and my sister died suddenly when I was 14… and I didn’t get any support with processing either of those traumatic bereavements. It just wasn’t the done thing or something. My parents didn’t talk about emotions (apart from screaming rows).

Those were much warmer relationships, too. I perhaps feel that if I just pulled myself together after both of those when I was so much younger, I should be able to do the same now, especially as I am having support. I am perplexed as to why I am being so useless with all of this…

hmm just realised writing all of this that I think it’s the ‘anger’ stage starting, maybe?

Sending you lots of love 💕 not an easy thing to do at all.

Will you be using a celebrant? As generally they will meet with you and have a chat about your loved one and do the euology for you. You could then maybe just do a reading or a poem - maybe this would take the pressure off?

Hugs xx

Oh gosh thank you for your lovely message. I popped back on to apologise for my self-pitying posts, and then got your kind message.

I am a lemon. There will be a church funeral followed by a cremation. I think because my cousins opted to do the eulogies for their parents themselves I’d assumed I had to do the same… I will phone the Rector today (I do know him, so it’s not that onerous - I’d just been putting it off somehow).

thank you x

the Rector will help you with the structure.
They usually ask for some facts and stories then stitch it together into a eulogy. Try not to worry, it seems huge at the moment, but it will all work out.
So sorry about your mum. You’re doing well, and try not to put any more pressure on yourself, it’s a huge shock.

That sounds tough and I can see why you are procrastinating over this . Be honest with the vicar and they will help you write it , with as much or little detail and emotion as you wish .

OP, I didn’t even attend my (emotionally abusive, narcissistic) mother’s funeral. I couldn’t even pretend to be sorry she was dead.
I think you are struggling with a big cognitive disconnect between how you think you should be feeling - dutiful, grieving daughter - and how you actually feel - conflicted, with repressed justifiable anger beginning to surface.
Please be completely honest with your minister. Trust me, he will have encountered this many times before. And he will be able to reassure you that your feelings are perfectly normal in the circumstances.
You need “permission” and a safe space to vent these feelings and eventually process them and be free of them - which might need some help from a therapist or bereavement counsellor.
Be kind to yourself. Structure the funeral in the way that will be most bearable for you - or avoid it altogether if that is what you would prefer. God will understand your reasons.

Wow what a brave and dedicated woman you are. Putting someone to rest is hugely emotional just look at Harrt processing his feelings 20+years later when he got coldness and no support. You are doing well.

Where you can, delegate jobs so you don't have to do it all yourself. That can be overwhelming in itself.

Lots of love as you say goodbye to an old chapter in your life and even start a new book! 📚🙏xxx

You are all so kind and thoughtful. Thank you. I pulled myself together a bit and now have a meeting with the Rector tomorrow to go over everything, which I think will relieve some of my anxiety.