Should i be over my hubby's death by now ?

[Misty666]

My hubby died 3 years ago and he was disabled, so i cared for him for 22 years. Then my dad died, a year later and i helped looked after him and finally my MIL. People/ friends / family seem to think that i should be over the loss of my husband, but i am far from it. I have had a breakdown and i am still struggling with basic tasks. Why are folk so quick to judge ? Once the sympathy runs out, that's it and you are just malingering. I'm not, the GP told me today that i have complex grief and i wish that other people would stop telling me how i should be feeling and what i should be doing. Do i sound unreasonable ?

Not at all.

I don’t think you ever rally get over it and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had time to grieve or even time to just be yourself and let get used to life as a widow.

I would ignore those who don’t understand.

No. It's a personal thing

So sorry for your losses. You grieve in your own way and your own time ❤️ you're not unreasonable.

Not at all unreasonable. Everyone is different in how they deal with everything life and death throws at them.
Tell them all to sod off. You will decide when you are feeling better. It's not up to anyone else.

You've had three big bereavements in three years. Listen to your GP

But please take medical help if you feel you need it or GP does

No, you don’t sound unreasonable at all. My heartfelt sympathy for your losses. Grief is a process, I don’t begin to understand how you cope with losing your life partner. Lots of people find dealing with grief difficult and as a result would prefer you to move on. Please find some support but move at your pace. I wish you well. X

I’m so sorry for all your losses and also very sorry at the lack of understanding from some of those around you who really ought to be supportive.

Words fail me , I really cannot understand anyone who believes they know how you should grieve .
You’ve had a dreadfully challenging time with the bereavements and the caring responsibility for so long prior to that .

You take things at your own pace , look after yourself and cut yourself some slack .
Wishing you all the best going forward.

( my friend lost her husband 5 years ago and I take care to let her know on all the special days and anniversaries that I’m thinking of her - wouldn’t cross my mind that she should be over it )

Thank you all, i didn't expect such kindness xxx

I am so sorry for your losses. I am going through bereavement of my partner who committed suicide. Even a year on I still expect him to pop round. Grief is personal and complex. I read something that said it is like a wave the comes crashing into you then retreats. This is true for me. This can happen many times in one day. I also read that grief is something you learn to live along side it is not something that you 'get over'.People often think by jollying you along they are helping,sometimes it will and sometimes it won't. Those who want an uncomplicated answer to 'how are you doing?'may not know what to say. Perhaps,the reply, taking each day at a time might convey that no you are not over the traumatic events but that you are soldiering on. I bought a book called,It's ok not to be ok,perhaps that might be of interest? Be kind to yourself.

We are all different and no one size fits all

When you are ready to move on, that will be down to you and you alone

Look after yourself and take it one day at a time

Of course you aren't unreasonable.

You have had a very long period of caring, a significant bereavement closely followed by more caring duties and bereavement.

That's a massive amount to cope and come to terms with.

You keep going, take help if you can, but don't feel you have to move on anyone else's timescale.

I don't think there is any such thing as moving on, you carry on and for lots of people, at some point, your life expands so that the grief isn't the largest part of your life. But it is still there.

Good luck.

Three years is nothing. You are still quite freshly bereaved. I'm sorry for your loss OP. Time takes some of the sting out, even though there is always a gap in life where they used to be.

I haven't even read your post, just the title and I've come straight down here to say: absolutely not. There is no timetable for grief. I also personally believe that we're not meant to "get over" a loss, it just becomes a part of your story of what shapes your life. It changes and softens and you get used to it, but its still with you. And that's fine, that's what makes us social loving beings.

Take care ❤

Gosh no, you are still on the early days. I can only hazard a guess that the people saying this to you have not lost someone either particularly close or fir some time. I'm still grieving and always will do my lovely DB death 30 years ago- delayed grief due to my age at the time and my beautiful DM 3 years ago. It hurts and it will for sometime. I'm not sure it'll ever stop, it'll just become different and more manageable.

I'm sorry for your losses OP, be kind to yourself, ask for help if and when you need it. Ignore those who don't get it.

Absolutely not! Your life revolved around looking after other people so your life took second place.
When you suddenly take away everything that kept you busy - you will be bereft and thinking what do I do now? My life was taken up with this and that - now that it's gone and I don't know what to do with myself.
You take the time needed to live a life for you - your life wasn't your life for a long time - and now that it is - that takes some getting used to.

Stop listening to other people and take the time that YOU need. How you feel is none of their business. You've been through so much and there can't possibly be an end date in grief?

No you shouldn’t be over the loss of your husband just because you have passed a prescribed number of years.

It is seventeen years for me now and I still think and even mention my DH most days. However my loss is much gentler now.

I remember the third year as being the most difficult, reality had really bitten, whilst help and support had faded away.

Be kind to yourself @Misty666 Take as long as you need and remember however you build your new life, you can always take your memories with you !!

No. You are absolutely not unreasonable.

But sometimes other people are bad at dealing with grief, especially complex grief like yours. They want you to feel better because they care about you. They think telling you what to do is helpful.

I assume your GP isn't leaving you alone to deal with this and has referred you for support? If so then tell these people their comments aren't helping and that you're working through it with your therapist. When you get into therapy, your therapist might be able to give you suggestions you can pass on to them for what is actually helpful to say and do.

It is obvious how hard this is for you. Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug.

Try to take no notice, whatever you do will be "wrong" mourn your loss and thats wrong, go out and date "thats far too soon" she/he should be in sack cloth... People just want something to gossip about.

My partner died many years ago, i'm "not over it" and never will be, you just learn to live with that hole in your being.

No you don't sound unreasonable, you sound normal, you re going through so much.

Grief is not a linear process.

Some days will be better, some days can still knock you off your feet. Be kind to yourself. Don’t worry about where you think you ought to be, try to recognise where you are, and get support where you need it.

Wishing you peace and strength x

(((HUG)))

3 years is not very long (although it can feel like so long since you last saw them) I wouldn't expect you to be 'over it' without the additional caring & bereavements. With the isolation & worry of Covid on top of that, not too mention the way it has distorted time.

slso, you were your DH's carer as well as his wife, that's very intense, it sounds like he was the total focus of your daily routine, it's not only the loss of your husband, it's the loss of your purpose in life, it a LOT to deal with.

as others have mentioned, you don't really 'get over it' anyway, you just learn to live alongside it and in time it stops being so completely raw all the time.

there's no time line!

Have they actually said this though or is that just the impression you get? Is it possible they're just worried about you and want to help, but don't know how?

you've been through a hell of a lot in those 3 years, you need to look after yourself now (((HUG)))