I resent the grief

[GalwayShawl]

Does this make sense?

My mum died, we were just so close and she was a wonderful mum. The last six months of her life were awful as were mine, I moved her in with me and did her all her appointments and personal care while they tried to find out what was wrong. It drained in us gradually that she wouldn’t make it and she died after an operation.

I am completely exhausted.

I don’t want to go through some long drawn out grief process but everybody is telling me I’ll basically be miserable for a year. I believe I will! I love my mum but I just don’t want any more sadness. I want it gone. I resent it, I want to self medicate my way though and just be done with the sadness. I’ve had a horrible time and just want to be happy.

Does this make sense?

I’m a very impatient person anyway but every time I get upset, part of me is rolling my eyes and stamping my feet. I can’t describe it.

My mums worth every year but I’m done with the sadness - I just get ambushed every day by enormous sadness

Yes I feel that way. My brother killed himself and I'm tired of the tragic narrative surrounding me. I take Prozac. It helps. I will probably stop it in about 6 months or so.

@GalwayShawl you sound exhausted. And I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Be kind to yourself. The grieving process is good for the mind. Its shit. But you need it to come out the other side.

I lost my mother a few years ago and my father just recently. Grief is with you always, but it expands and contracts (a bit like your lungs when you breathe). At the start it is all consuming, then gradually you live more of your day not being consumed by it, than you do feeling crushed by it. Eventually, it sits in the background, but still manages to catch your breath when little things make you think of your loved one, or when a part of your routine is missing them. I always used to call dad on my way home from work, and I often called mum when I was leaving a particular shopping centre. Those times still get me...I've started putting podcasts on in the car to get through those moments.

It takes time unfortunately, but I found getting out and about with friends and lots of things to do helped fill my thoughts so I wasn't dwelling on my loss.

Hugs to you, I know how you feel xx

Sending my thoughts to you.
My Mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly a year ago, we were very close, she was my best friend. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but a year in the grief is still overwhelming and takes over my life. I just want to be happy, but am filled with utter sadness and loneliness.

I’ve two sons (19 and 23) and I try and be positive for them both, but just some days I can’t. I feel sorry and sad for them that I’ve changed so much, my youngest even said to ny DH the other day that “the Mum I had died when Granny did, I’ve got a different Mum now”.

Yes, I was thinking about Prozac and just making things a bit easier for myself.
Im sorry for your loss.

I do think a sudden death as you and @LadyPenelope68 experienced is so much harder to cope with, compared to a drip feed of increasingly bad news. The only good thing about my mums death is she was Ill for a few months and before that loving life to the max

@frostnippedtodger

I really love the analogy, yes the first time it’s been described like that to me. I don’t want to be consumed by grief. I feel guilty saying it but life goes on, my mum was the happiest person I know and she’d hate me to be in bits.

Sorry for your losses.

That sounds really hard going for you. The suddenness must have been awful.
have you ever tried any counselling?

I understand this, I cried the other day and just said I miss my old self. I look at pictures of myself and wonder if I will ever be like her again. I envy my old self

I get it op. I'm so bored of being sad.

My parent died this year, it was drawn out, traumatic, and they suffered very much. By the end they were just a shell of a person, it was a horrible death and I was absolutely devastated watching it happen.

I also feel like I'm not really grieving much, and a few people have commented on it.

Tbh I think I was so devastated, terrified and heartbroken watching them die over the space of a few months that I've got no tears left. I've got no space left in me for any more emotion over their death. Their dying process was so much more awful for me than the fact that they've now died and are no longer here.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Honestly, I think I should have gone on antidepressants after losing my DM. The raw grief lasted at least 9 months. Its much better now, 2.5 years later, but it sucked at first. I do wonder if I would have processed it differently on medication and maybe wouldn't have worked through it as well.
So dorry for your loss.

I totally get it. Totally. In fact you had described my attitude to my own grief for my mother better than I ever had. I grieved for mine from the moment she was told she had 12 months to live. We spent lovely time together but it was very hard privately. When she died I was almost ready to be over it. It still sneaks up on me from time to time but I didn’t want to spend any more time feeling sad.

Have you looked into the grief pathway- if not do so as it will help you understand the stages and how we sometimes go back backs before forwards again. Having some insight into that may help you recognise why you feel how you do at each stage and help you get there more effectively.

I don’t believe the pain of a major loss ever goes away- you just get used to the pain, you normalise it, accept it and live alongside it.
Also remember that you need to remember your mum- painful as it is …just blocking all memories is not what you really want to be doing.

What you are feeling is an absolutely normal part of grief. And, at other times, you may feel the opposite - and not understand why the rest of the world continues whilst you are in dark grief.

Some artists/musicians make their best work when grieving. It can give you a real burst of energy where you want to live your life and make the most of every day. Other days, you may not want to get out of bed.

The best advice I can give is to just accept each emotion as it comes. If you are feeling impatient and want to put the grief to one side, plan happy things, don't ever feel guilty for doing that. Grief doesn't mean being sad for year, it is far more complex than that.

I am missing my mum so much today. I can’t seem to go more than a day without crying. Why was I so cocky and angry last week?

Unfortunately it takes as long as it takes. Sit with it, don't fight it. It's a roller coaster of sadness, anger, injustice and any number of other emotions.

Mine was about two years before it shifted. You don't get over it, but you learn to live with it and it becomes a part of your 'narrative'.

The journey that people talk about doesn't happen in a straight line. Some days you will feel terrible, others angry, others you just want to hide. It's all normal.

One day at a time. Take care.

Hi, I am now 2.5 months into losing my mum.

I feel completely back to normal.

I have confronted it head on: I’ve cleared out her house. Spoken at length to my family. Keeping a grief journal, reading books about grief and listening to grief cast.

infeel fine, back to normal and have felt fine for a few weeks now. I’m worried in case I’m doing something wrong.

I loved my mum so much and yet I am honestly genuinely fine and have not shied away from it in any way..

is this right? I am almost ashamed that I’m ok. Has anybody else recovered comparatively quickly.

You may find you’ve done some grieving already and it may not be as deeply upsetting for as long as you feared? This is what happened to me with my dad. I knew he was dying for about eight months before he finally did. Two occasions when we were told he was going but he didn’t. I miss him but it hasn’t been traumatic in the three years since he went.

I am similar to you OP. I'm not at the point of not grieving but I've explained to people that I processed a lot very quickly. It was intense and horrible but I can't be weighed down by it. I'm also speaking about the death a lot. Keeping active and busy is helping too. I lost my mum about a decade ago and it took me years to deal with it. I didn't want to have that experience again

@Abra1t thank you and yes, I stressed it all my life so maybe I was subconsciously braved for it. I just don’t understand why I am ok. I hear constantly about how you ever get over it but grow around it - for me it’s been fairly well processed and apart from actively doing what I need to do, life is as always. Sorry for your loss.

@Grumpycatsmum
how long ago were you bereaved? Your post has made me feel so much better. Do you feel that talking about it has helped you through so efficiently? Sorry for your loss