My 3 year old is worried I'll leave her too

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My husband died in October, he was 33. He had terminal cancer, so although we had chance to explain to the children that daddy was going to die, he only lived less than 6 months from diagnosis so it was all very quick and 2022 was a traumatic year for us all.

My three year old, hasn't expressed much sadness about him dying or missing him - which I know is normal for her age but she's suddenly very clingy to me and sad to leave me to go to nursery.

Her teacher mentioned she's been a bit wobbly when people leave the room and she isn't sure if they're coming back. I understand she is going to be processing what death means and why daddy is no longer with us and I think she's now worried I won't come back one day and trying to figure it all out.

How can I help her process this? I've approached the hospice and a children's bereavement charity for support for her but they won't work with children so young.

He died at home very peaceful (thankfully) and the children spent time with him in the last few days, as well as after he was gone for a few hours too, so she's "seen" death, which I hope I hope will help her understand the loss.

Advice or experience welcome.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

There’s a book called something like Is Daddy Coming Back in a Minute? which my friend used with her children when their dad died. Might be worth a look.

I don't know if this will be of any use to you but I had a close family member for when I was a child (and so were they). I was 9 so older than your Dd but I remember vividly this feeling. If people asked me to go round to their house for tea for example I couldn't because I was scared someone else wouldn't be there when I got back. The death I experienced was extremely sudden but obviously your Dd is so young it's hard to know how much she understands / understood.

I did get through it but in retrospect I definitely think play therapy / counselling would've helped. It just wasn't so much of a thing in the 1990s I guess.

I don't know if this will be any use to you at all but maybe it'll help to know it's totally normal? I don't know if that will be of use and apologies if not. It's really good you're understanding her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

*a close family member die

Im so sorry. All I can think of is to just keep spending time with her and reassuring her.

My children lost their dad when they were 11 and 13. It's now getting on for 5 years later. We were watching gogglebox the other day about a family who'd lost the dad and were getting a puppy. Younger dd said "I've still had a happy childhood." It was nice to hear and I thought I'd mention it so you know that much as its a devastating thing to happen, they can still have a happy childhood.

knitterNat thank you, I've just added that to my Amazon basket. I hope books will open up the dialogue and encourage her to want to talk about him more.

Thank you both very useful.

It's interesting to hear you had the same experience and remember the feeling so vividly. Given you were so much older and more capable of understanding I can only imagine how confused and worried she must be. It's reassuring to hear though, so thanks for sharing. I think maybe I'll make a point of discussing what the day will look like with her in the morning to ease her worry of the unknown. For example "we'll walk to nursery this morning, I've packed you a ham sandwich for lunch and I'll pick you up on the car this afternoon" sort of thing.

Foxcorner I'm sorry I've been here too. It's so lovely to hear your children feel that way, I bet that's a huge relief for you because it's such a worry being suddenly thrown into single parenthood and having no one to help you make decisions.

My older children are the same ages as yours were actually. I'm glad they've got so many memories of us as a family and of our relationship, and saw how healthy and loving it was as a basis of what to expect as they get older and start relationships of their own. He was the most wonderful role model of husband and dad and I'm just so sad that our youngest doesn't get to grow up with that influence. Like yours, I'm sure she'll be OK in the end but I'm so sad for her because he loved that girl so much and she's not going to remember any of it.

Yes I think explaining plans would help actually. I remember a weird thing I did for years was I always had to say 'see you later' rather than bye and always wanted mum etc to say SYL back too. It seems silly now but at the time it really really mattered.

I'm sorry for your loss

It might be worth asking your health visitor or GP who may be able to refer you to bereavement services suitable for very young children.

You are doing a really great job in supporting her.

Maybe talk to your Gp and ask for bereavement counselling.
I watched a programme once where bereaved children met up once a month and shared experiences and played together and did activities and counselling sessions all together, it was very helpful to them. X

Also I am sorry this has happened to your family xxxx

Thanks for the replies and advice. I'll explore the GP a little later down the line, I remember being told at some point in all this haze that they like to wait a while to begin therapy.

Play therapy sounds ideal for her age, I will have a look into some private options locally too.

If you haven't already, take a look at Winstons wish, they are specifically set up to help children with bereavement and they really are very good.

Lots of online resources and recommendations for support and therapy.

www.winstonswish.org/

This is from their advice pages

What do children aged 2-5 years old understand about death?
Children aged 2-5 years have a limited understanding of the permanence of death. They may see it as reversible. They will often have a very literal understanding of explanations given to them and will make up their own explanations if necessary.
This is why it is particularly important to use words like ‘death’ and ‘dying’ in order to give a clear and factual explanation that your child can understand. Although euphemisms such as ‘gone to the stars/heaven’ or ‘gone to sleep’ may seem kinder, they can lead to a lot of confusion and possible anxiety surrounding sleep, or why Daddy left and went to stay in ‘heaven’ (which may as well be Devon to them) instead of staying with us.
Some common reactions include:
• Increased anger and tantrums – often linked with anxiety
• May be more clingy
• They may become more withdrawn or anxious
• Reverting to behaviours they had when they were younger e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
• May ask the same question repeatedly and need reassurance that the death was not their fault
Try to talk to your child regularly about what has happened and answer their questions and keep the person who has died in the conversation. Reassure them that they will be looked after and try to keep to familiar routines and boundaries.

Like yours, I'm sure she'll be OK in the end but I'm so sad for her because he loved that girl so much and she's not going to remember any of it.

I don't know if this is any comfort, but whilst we don't have the same types of memories from our early years as the ones we can form and access in later life, we do remember our formative experiences as emotions and in how our brains develop. We remember feeling safe and loved, and that stays with us at our core.

She will remember how much she was loved by him for the time they shared, because that love and stability has influenced the way her brain developed and the very early connections formed that will stay with her forever. His loving influence will be carried internally.

And over time she will know more of him through the stories the rest of you share, through photos and objects, through the way his loving influence continues to shape you and your family. We still have an internal relationship with people even after the physical presence ends.

I realise that might sound a bit pathetic in the face of such a loss, it's just something that helped me with losing my mum.

Oh, one quick other thought. If you haven't already, how would you feel about getting a photo book printed for her featuring her dad (and her and you and the family)?

That way there won't be any original photos being damaged if she wants to put sticky fingers all over it and it's something tangible she can look through and hold.

When you create them you can add text boxes into your layouts so it would also give you a way to write down alongside the photos some of the memories and stories of her dad that you'd like her to have, and something visual to have in future as you retell some of those stories to her.

I realise you may have already done this.

Thank you for sharing Winston's Wish, a friend of mine mentioned them to me when he was first diagnosed. I recognise some of the behaviour they've described in her at the moment. Thankfully generally she's happy and chirpy but I'd like to avoid any attachment trauma before it begins, so it's useful to know how best to avoid this thanks.

Swanling that does help thank you. Reading that really made me cry. She is the sweetest, chattiest and most loving little girl already - just like her daddy. I'm thankful to know he's already influenced who she'll become from the few early years they shared.

Sadly his death came quite quickly and unexpectedly in the end, so he hadn't yet got round to writing the letters and cards he'd planned (although they were bought and in the drawer) and we've no videos he'd had chance to make either. I'd bought him a journal of his life to pass on to the girls but he'd only got as far as the first page sadly. Maybe I can work with his family to fill in the blank pages. It won't be the same but it something.

Making a photo book is a lovely idea. I think I'll try and fill it with memories of the two of them together while they're still fresh. It breaks my heart to think by the time I'm old, the last decade will feel like a dream I had long ago, so I'm writing all his favourite things down now (even down to how he liked his tea) so if they ever ask, I won't have to worry that I've forgotten.

Not the same league at all, I know. But I had cancer when my elder dd was little (3/4 years old) and she later developed anxiety which I linked to me having had cancer and the subsequent worries she was witness to and the time period she had the ups and downs of my treatment at such a young age etc.
Fast forward 10 years and her younger sister also developed anxiety at a similar age. Now she was born AFTER my cancer treatment and has had no family trauma etc to “endure”. Yet she has a similar presentation of anxiety.
Out of my four children, only 1 has been able to complete the full 2 years of preschool- the others had separation anxiety and attachment issues meaning they had delayed starts to nursery.

what I’m trying to say, and not wanting to downplay the seriousness of the loss you all faced, for which I am so very genuinely sorry- but I wanted to perhaps try to help normalise this stage your dd is going through. It may not be linked to her loss and may just be her, and who she is.

i hope that makes sense ❤️

Another good analogy n Winstons Wish is the river/puddle theory of grief.

Adults and older teens when bereaved can feel like they are plunged into a river of deep rushing grief. For younger children it's more like jumping in and out of puddles. They will have extreme reactions and then because their brains can't process the grief and need a break they jump back out and seem unaffected until the next puddle.

Thanks for the comments and sharing your insights with me. It's all very helpful.

She's the sweetest little girl and I'm so lucky I have her and that piece of him. She's so emotionally intelligent and has had her teachers in tears with some of the things she's shared since her dad's death.

She saw me crying last week and later on said out the blue, "if daddy hadn't died, you would have been happy forever" it's amazing she's so aware how huge this is to me, even though she can't process it in the same way.