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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Scared after death of partner

29 replies

LuckyAugust · 04/01/2023 14:16

My partner of 16 years died a few days before Christmas. The last few years of our relationship has been hard due to his addiction issues and at the time of his death he wasn't in our family home. I feel a huge amount of guilt over this- the one time I try a different strategy to help him and this happens.

I'm heartbroken and whilst I would love a sign from him that he's at peace and that he loves me I'm so daftly terrified and really embarrased by what I'm about to type. I've never had any type of mental health issues or a loss before but all of a sudden I'm scared of ghosts and monsters. I can't sleep when its dark and I'm lying awake all night scared to move and scared to close my eyes. I want him to come to me but not in a way that frightens me and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I feel silly at my age being scared of stuff like this.

Has anyone else been through this and if yes how did you get through it? Any advice would be appreciated. I have young children and I don't want to consider sleeping tablets or anything like that. I just want to stop being frightened on a night.

OP posts:

frostyfours · 04/01/2023 15:06

What a massive shock for you. I am so sorry to hear this. No experience but wanted to offer a handhold and a bump for you. When my DH works away I do get more fretful about locking doors etc and our child sleeps in with me - which I don't think is the best tactic!

What do you read or watch just before bed? Would it help to make sure it's something funny/lighthearted etc?

Original poster

LuckyAugust · 04/01/2023 17:53

Thank you so much for responding. Its not a bad idea to maybe watch something lighthearted before bed. I don't tend to watch or read anything thats scary anyway so this sudden fear is completely new to me

OP posts:

User4873628 · 04/01/2023 17:59

I dont know if its the same but I had a friend who died in frightening circumstances and for a while I was frightened that I might 'see' him and be frightened of him. Does that make sense? But as time went on the scared feelings went and I remembered him more and more as the lovely person I knew. There was nothing to be scared of. It helped to talk about the warm and lovely memories and to look at photos of him when he was happy, try not to focus on the fact and the moment of his death but on all the good things that had gone before.

Sorry if that's shit advice, losing a friend is nothing like losing a partner. I just remember the fear and it was so upsetting. It passed though with time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Lightinthestorm · 04/01/2023 18:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this, these early days of grief are so hard and sleep us difficult enough to find without this fear. I hope I can reassure you somewhat even if I can't resolve it by telling you I was exactly the same after I lost my son suddenly just over a year ago. I couldn't even go upstairs alone after dark as I was so frightened I might see something, what I don't know as I'm not really sure I believe in ghosts. I felt so silly at being afraid as deep down I knew I would give anything to see him again and told myself if he was around he really wouldn't want to scare me. I did find leaving a nightlight on and listening to a podcast helped to focus my mind off the fear while I tried to sleep and did help a bit. Ultimately though like with all things grief related it's just taken time and gradually the fear of the dark has gone. Sending you gentle hugs

Lindy2 · 04/01/2023 18:07

You're still processing a shock and grieving. It doesn't matter that you weren't living together when your partner died, he was still part of your life.

I imagine you are feeling quite emotional which is why your experiencing different feelings.

Do you have any type of religious or ceremonial faith at all? Could you do something like visit a church, light a candle, float petals on a river - anything that gives you a chance to mark his death and feel some kind of private closure. You could talk to him during that so you no longer feel the need for him to visit.

Hopefully, that doesn't sound too ridiculous. I appreciate it might not be what you're looking for but it's the type of thing that helps me.

longtompot · 04/01/2023 18:37

So sorry to hear about your partner💐

This is quite an extreme solution but since having my dog I am less scared at night and do sleep much better with dh away. I used to wake at the slightest noise on the rare occasion he was away.

I think though emotions will be heightened with what has happened and will make you much more aware of what is going on, or not, and it's your imagination running riot. Mines excellent at 3 am🙄 to the point I can't watch anything too tense as it will come back to me. A certain episode of Luther in particular.

SpentDandelion · 04/01/2023 18:41

I think it's normal, especially if the death was sudden and the relationship was complicated.
You have alot to process, it takes time and your probably still in shock.
I am sorry for your loss, it might be helpful joining some online widowed/ grief groups. There will be others in similar situation, l found them really helpful when my husband died, makes you feel less alone.

Adviceneeded200 · 04/01/2023 19:05

So sorry you've lost a loved one x

I've always had vivid dreams, not always pleasant, but they became nightmares when I lost Mum in May last year. She went downhill fast and with only little medical help I cared for her in her last few days until she passed. This seemed to trigger the nightmares although they weren't the truth of what happened they were very clearly linked.

I had to still work but on my time off did try and look after myself. I walked a lot, stopped drinking coffee and alcohol, went on spa days and had some treatments, and I tried at home meditation.

Over time the issues subsided and I've not had a nightmare now for quite a few months. I'm hoping they are behind me.

Take care x

Newuser82 · 04/01/2023 19:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's easy for me to say but it sounds like you really tried hard to help. Addiction is a horrible thing and unfortunately in my experience nothing you did or didn't do was going to change the outcome. With regards to feeling scared I lost a friend in difficult circumstances and I became very frightened of things. I didn't want to be out in the dark, I used to run into the house and turn the lights on as quickly as possible as I would imagine I'd see his face out of the darkened window or behind a door. I'd be driving along the road in the dark and would imagine him behind a tree or stepping out into the road. It was awful but it did pass. I presume it's the shock. Try to be kind to yourself. It's very early days but if things don't improve as you would like then you could consider some grief counselling which may be helpful. Take care

Original poster

LuckyAugust · 04/01/2023 19:40

Thank you so much everyone for understanding. I've felt so embarrased about this and not dared share with anyone in real life.

Although I wasn't the one to find him I did get up there straightaway and he looked like he'd been there a while. Seeing him like that broke my heart and I'm scared to see him like that as a ghost I guess. He was the love of my life and I can't believe he's gone . His post mortem was inconclusive and theres other issues with his family which is upsetting. I just wish I knew why this happened.

I'll try keeping a light on tonight, daft again that I didn't think to do this. I don't want my kids to see how scared I am as they've been so brave.

Thank you so much again. Your lovely responses have made me feel not so alone x

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PeachyMama · 04/01/2023 20:19

I lost my dad as a teen and I mentioned something similar at the time to my mum and she said that I didn't need to be scared at night as my dad wouldn't do anything that would scare me. I think the same would be true for your dear partner. Alternatively during day light hours when feeling brave I used to talk to him and encourage him to reach out and contact me if he wanted . Not sure what I was expecting from that maybe something in the room to fall over or move I guess. Feel bit silly typing this but wanted to share xxx sending love and I'm sorry for your loss

Teddybear00 · 04/01/2023 20:26

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

It's not silly at all and actually a few people experience the same. I also have fears of such and can't control them sometimes. I always have to have a light somewhere. I found praying for me helped and also being on my phone until I fell a sleep.

lollipoprainbow · 04/01/2023 22:06

I felt like this after the loss of my sister and recently my mum. Much as I'd love to have a vision of them I'd be terrified if it happened !

AnnieFarmer · 04/01/2023 22:11

Sort of, I think it’s trauma.

My mum was once ‘visited’ by my grandmother after she’d died and it scared her. A friend of hers (who was a medium) advised my mum that next time it happens, to say out loud ‘I know it’s you and I love and miss you but you’re scaring me.’ Anyway, when it happened again she did this. Her mum didn’t visit again so maybe have this in mind for if something like that does happen.

I'm so sorry for what your been through. x

lollipoprainbow · 04/01/2023 22:13

@AnnieFarmer Christ that's scared me even more !

AnnieFarmer · 04/01/2023 22:14

BTW, I think it’s very unlikely to happen. I’ve lost both my parents and they’ve never visited me in that way. If they had, I had my mums experience in my mind and was prepared to do that if it ever happened. I had lots of nightmares after they died, though and the experience generally put me into a state of constant nervousness for a few years.

megacat · 04/01/2023 22:16

I've felt like this after bereavement. It's not silly or embarrassing at all. It's a strange thing to process, someone who you wouldn't have been scared of in life you're terrified in case you see them as a spirit!
It does go away in time.

AnnieFarmer · 04/01/2023 22:16

lollipoprainbow · 04/01/2023 22:13

@AnnieFarmer Christ that's scared me even more !

I just followed it up with another post. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare anyone, I just found it useful to know what to do if ever it happened.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/01/2023 22:17

Would it help you to leave a small lamp on in the bedroom and listen to an audible book or a podcast while trying to sleep?

Original poster

LuckyAugust · 04/01/2023 22:18

Thank you so much. It really is so reassuring to know its not just me who's felt like this. In my 40's and scared of the dark and ghosts! Never thought I would be saying this. I'm going to keep the light on tonight and see if that helps. I don't think the awful wind we've had lately helps either x

OP posts:

Wibbly1008 · 04/01/2023 23:46

I lost my beautiful sister tragically last July and what I know is that she would never come to me in a frightening way because she loved me. Whatever issues your partner had, im sure he was sorry for his wrong doings, I doubt he would ever scare you or frighten you or want you to feel afraid. When people we love die, I like to think they would reach out with nice things like a butterfly visiting you, or a robin near your door, something lovely and showing you the peace they have now.

TilerSwift · 04/01/2023 23:53

No idea if this will be helpful, but try Get Sleepy podcast. It’s just silly, relaxing stories and the narrator’s voice is so soothing

iwantavuvezela · 04/01/2023 23:57

OP I'm really sorry for your loss - I lost my DH a year ago and what helped me was taking rescue remedy (you also get some "rescue remedy melts" for night) would something like that be of help - I really felt like it helped "calm" me as I also had high levels of anxiety post his death.

You idea of keeping the light on is a good one

Cattenberg · 05/01/2023 00:58

I’m sorry to read of your loss. My friend lost her partner in similar circumstances. He was an alcoholic and she did her best to support him. However, the increasing strain of his addiction meant that they rowed quite often and split up once or twice. After one argument, my friend decided to leave her partner on his own for a few days. During this period, he sadly died and was discovered by the police, but not the same day. The cause of death was an enlarged heart caused by the alcohol abuse.

Several people tried to help her partner over the years. A family member paid for an him to stay in an expensive rehab unit. But very sadly, no one could stop him from drinking himself to death. It was out of their control. Please don’t feel guilty - it sounds as though you tried everything you could to help your partner.

My friend believes in ghosts, and says she briefly saw her partner a few times after he died, (during the day) and it was comforting, not frightening. She believes it was his way of letting her know he was OK. After about six months the visions stopped and my friend believes her partner had moved on and was at peace.

I hope you have a lot of support around you and that you’re taking care of yourself. I also hope that the traumatic image of your partner will fade from your mind and you’ll be able to remember him how he was.

FoxNet · 05/01/2023 13:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died at the end of November and until last night I slept with the light on. Before his death I could only sleep in pitch dark but for the first six weeks I needed the light on as I was scared in the house alone. I really recommend CBD oil and the CALM app. I hope you have good people around you. xx

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