Coping with grief

[letitb]

I lost my grandad early summer last year. It's really effecting me still and I'm not sure how to cope with the feelings I'm having. I swing from sadness to anger.

Probably really outing but he had a stroke a few days after my eldest son was born 14 years ago, he was unable to talk or walk etc again and had no real understanding when visiting and no communication. I went on to have more children and he did meet them all luckily but to what extent of understanding I don't know. He also lived the other side of the country so it was difficult to visit, especially with covid and actually I only got to see him 6 months before he passed because my grandmas sister was in the same home as him and was dying - so we were allowed to say goodbye to her and was allowed to see my grandad also.

I feel like since he's passed the hurt and anger at all the years he missed post stroke missing out on my children is really upsetting me. He was like a second dad to me, he's my maternal grandfather so we spent a lot of time with him and my grandma and I have a lot of memories. I feel sad my children will always remember him as a shell of his former self and not know the happy go lucky lively person he really was. I feel like the trauma of the last years he had had fully hit me and the magnitude of it all had sunk in.

I am very emotional if I speak about him, I cannot listen to the Beatles without crying and had to leave my daughters Christmas assembly due to them singing the song of his funeral and me getting upset. Christmas is normally an amazing exciting time for me but I felt deflated and sad this year and didn't really enjoy it, I cried Xmas eve morning thinking about him and then tried to keep it together all Xmas day. I think the fact I haven't managed to travel to my grandma and maternal side of the family for new year as usual (due to the costs tbh - I have spent a lot of money this year travelling back and forth to support my mum and aunty caring for my grandma - who had some form of ptsd after his death and was delusional and has only in the last couple of months come out the other side)

I feel ridiculous, it is my grandad, I coped well when my paternal grandad passed away and wasn't this much of a mess. I have spoken to my mum a little about it but we aren't that close, I dare not speak to my grandma about it as I don't want to stress her out. I have friends and family here I can speak to and do. I just don't know how to pull myself out of this blip.

Hi @letitb , I'm so sorry for your loss. My nan died a few months ago and even though she reached a "good age", I'm still sad and still miss her a lot.

I'm having my first baby soon and it's unthinkable to me that they'll never meet. I sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud because there are people who lost their loved ones in more "extreme" circumstances but you can't help how you feel. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is special and it's okay to feel sad. One thing in particular that is bothering me, and brought me to this forum actually, is that I can't bring myself to knit anything for the baby. I thought since she taught me, I'd feel closer to her but I haven't even picked up the needles, just can't face it.

I also recognise what you mean re covid, such a difficult time and I think a lot of complex grief due to visiting restrictions etc. I'm so angry that I restricted how much I visited (even more than the guidance!) because I didn't want her to get ill...

If you are really struggling maybe talking therapy is something to consider? But it may just be that you need more time. I think sometimes we're too hard on ourselves, but try not to be. I'm sure your grandad wouldn't want you to be sad but he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over your feelings either.

Thank you for replying. I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan passing away. I don't think any type of circumstances make it feel okay and in regards to the visits I think at the time you were making the best decision, it was such a strange time no one really knew what to do for the best so you shouldn't feel any guilt.

So late summer I did actually self refer myself through the doctors online and had an assessment type of chat with someone as my anxiety had peaked with the stress of that and also grandma being ill 400 miles away , actually talking to someone did help but he did refer me for bereavement counselling but I didn't follow it through as I feel like that's the kind of thing you need for loosing a parent or spouse etc not a grandparent and felt silly to be effected so much and thought it would pass but I should perhaps follow that up.

@letitb sorry just saw your reply! I usually get email notifications but not this time.

Thank you, and yes it was such a strange time. And if I had visited more and ended up being the reason she got ill, I never would have forgiven myself, so the "what ifs" are pointless.

And please don't feel silly, if you are able to then go back to your GP and say you now feel that the bereavement counselling would help. I feel lucky that my grief was somewhat "validated" because everyone knew how close we were, to the extent that work was surprised I returned so early. I hope the friends and family you talk to also validate your feelings.

Relationships are different for everyone. There are people who might grieve more for a work colleague than their own parents, depending on their relationship history! People are complicated like that, so try not to worry your grief isn't valid (even though I do the exact same thing sometimes)!