Should I see my mam?

[Mammyloveswine]

My lovely mam died suddenly on Tuesday..just 2 days after Christmas.

We don't know what happened, she collapsed at home.

I haven't been able to see her yet as she is having scans to hopefully see if they can determine a cause of death, if not they'll have to do a post-mortem.

I don't know if I should see her when the time comes...I just can't bear the thought of her being cold.

But I need to say goodbye to her.

She was just 67 and so full of life! It's so unfair!

Thank you! I'm just in shock! I'm on Christmas break until next week (I'm a teacher) and I just can't see how I can return to work next week but I also feel so guilty if I'm off.

@Mammyloveswine I'm so very sorry for your loss. May your lovely mam rest in peace.
I'm sorry your husband has been shit. That's hard to forgive.

You have to put you first - teacher or not, you need to come first. You've had a huge shock, and it will take some time.
I'm 3.5 months down the line and my mums passing wasn't unexpected, and I'm still finding it so hard, hence being awake at 2am despite being absolutely exhausted.

What you're doing for your dad is fabulous, sustenance is important, more so with his health too.

I found that people don't know what to say beyond sorry for your loss and some of them rambled and asked daft questions. Others were quiet and I appreciated that.

Such a difficult time, you must be kind and gentle with yourself x

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your Mam so suddenly.
You absolutely must take time off work, and for as long as you need. This is a time when supply staff are absolutely genuinely needed.
I saw my best friend the night before her funeral, her mum kept telling me I should do it, although i really didn’t want to. 22 years on I still wish I hadn’t. I didn’t go and see my Dad in the chapel of rest, as was with him when he died and felt I’d said my goodbyes whilst with him. I’ve never regretted that. My sister and brother both went to see him, but I just didn’t want to.
Nobody can tell you what is best for you though, other than go with your instinct. If something says you still need to say goodbye, you’ll know. If you feel you’ve said goodbye already, that’s enough.

Don't feel guilty about work. Losing a loving mam is the worst grief. You probably won't be able to concentrate anyway.

I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be devastated.

it’s a very personal decision but for me an easy one. I’ve seen dead bodies before at work and even attended post mortems in the past. I’ve never seen a relative following their death and I definitely won’t see my parents after they go. I know that if I saw them the image would be with me forever and I don’t want it to be. I want the images that come to my mind when I think of my mam and dad to be of them vibrant and alive, not lying cold.

I hope that, whatever you decide, you feel you’ve done the right thing and it brings you some comfort.

@Mammyloveswine my partner was amazing when it happened. He stepped up and drove me 300 miles to my family. Train strikes etc meant I would of had to drive. He stayed with me for the 5 days I was down there and made himself useful helping my brother fix my parents new house. He also stayed up with me when I was crying.

After he went away to his family for Christmas. He was supposed to come with me, but I was staying longer and he didn’t really know my family and it needed to be us. Only met my dad once and my brother when she died.

he has been distant and doesnt know what to do. But I have been Grieving and dont know what to do or if I want company. He is practical and a fixer and tried to take me away for new year, But I wanted my bed. He went out as I wanted to be alone. He can’t fix this. Also I broke my foot not long after. So any distraction I wanted to do out of the house I can’t. This is worse.

just tell your partner. I had to tell mine I had cabin fever and he took me out. He was frustrated as I said I wanted to be alone but want company. He just told me to text him and he will be available. His fix is getting me out to places. He seems to feel he has a place now. Took a breakdown to tell him.

I got a drs note for 4 weeks. In a weird way my mum gave me time. I was super stressed and work just before and now not thinking of work. It’s forced relaxation.

Going to see your Mum is helping your brain to get closure so you can grieve properly OP.
Grieving is a process we all go through and there are seven stages apparently.
When my son died I saw him as much as I could. I talked to him and told him lots of personal things. Did it help? I don't really know but I do know I would have regretted it if I had not seen him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son ❤️

So so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away in October after a year long battle with brain cancer. My daughter and I decided we definitely wanted to see her at peace as the symptoms and side effects she had were very upsetting. It gave us solace and comfort but my brother, my husband and my son were of the total opposite opinion, and that's fine. It's a matter of preference for each individual. Do what feels right for you.
Also....Please take some time for yourself. Grieve your loss, celebrate your mams life and remember that grief isnt a straight path. It winds and turns and surprises you at the weirdest times.
My deepest condolences to you and your family. 🕊

So sorry for your loss.
My beautiful mum died this year too, at 69.
I chose to see her, and for me, I'm so glad I did. She looked free from pain (she had suffered from cancer terribly and been in awful pain for months on end) and peaceful, satisfied. I'll remember that look for the rest of my life, like she knew she'd done a good job and could leave the pain behind.
But, it's a really personal decision- and different in each circumstance- and I also know I was just trying to cling to her forever, which made her cremation horrific.
Sending you so much love, be kind to yourself in this next year- don't expect too much from yourself- it's a rollercoaster, grief is, and you sometimes need to just submit to it.

Sorry for your loss.

It is a personal decision, there is no right or wrong.

I did not see my Mum when she died, I just could not face it even though her death was expected as she had Dementia, I preferred to remember her when she was well.

Sorry for your loss. It's so personal. I was with my Mum when she passed. I did not go to see her at funeral home as she had been ill for several months and my sister's and I cared for her. I felt I had already told Mum what I needed to say to her. 2 of my sister's did go to funeral home together but I think they went in one at a time. They said they felt they had to go. They don't regret going. My younger sister and I both with her when she died, did not go. We don't regret not going. Your Mum died suddenly so you are probably still in shock. You will have a few days to decide. Personally I found funeral hard enough without extra visit to funeral home.

Sending my sincere condolences.

My wonderful dad passed away In Sept and I was holding his hand and talking to him as he died.
I stayed with him for a couple of hours and then left him at the hospital.

I chose not to visit him at the funeral home as I wanted to remember him as he had been in life.

There’s no right and no wrong. X

I visited my mum and it was traumatic at the time but it really helped at the funeral because I knew she wasn’t really there. My sister struggled more seeing the coffin lowered that I did because I’d seen her and processed that

it’s a very personal thing to do.

How are you doing OP?