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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Should I see my mam?

41 replies

Mammyloveswine · 02/01/2023 22:49

My lovely mam died suddenly on Tuesday..just 2 days after Christmas.

We don't know what happened, she collapsed at home.

I haven't been able to see her yet as she is having scans to hopefully see if they can determine a cause of death, if not they'll have to do a post-mortem.

I don't know if I should see her when the time comes...I just can't bear the thought of her being cold.

But I need to say goodbye to her.

She was just 67 and so full of life! It's so unfair!

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 02/01/2023 22:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You'll have a lot of different opinions on seeing her. I was with my dad in a hospice within an hour or so of his passing. but as mum was obviously distraught, I gently ushered her away when I could feel him cooling down. I know what you mean about the cold.

Then later, I saw him in the chapel of rest and he was in a full suit and everything and I just kissed his cheek but I actually don't recall being shocked by cold. I was glad I saw him there but my sister knew straight away she didn't want to, neither mum nor I questioned it. It's totally individual.

I suspect you'll know how you feel in a couple of days. Flowers

IveHadEnoughNowFfs · 02/01/2023 23:00

im so sorry for you loss.

I have found over the years that if someone passes from natural causes, people are generally glad they got to see them and say goodbye. Where it’s been an accident or some form of trauma, people tend to regret seeing their loved one like that. The funeral home will be very very good at telling you how she is and if they advise viewing, I suspect in this case they will. I think if you have any desire at all to say those final goodbyes then do try to, it’s something you won’t be able to do again once the opportunity has passed.

Again, so very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum x

bloodywhitecat · 02/01/2023 23:04

I was with DH when he died and he was here for hours afterwards, I saw him a couple of times in the funeral home and felt at peace with sitting with him. I found the staff were really good at being honest about whether or not we could see him so I would talk to them about it too. I am so sorry for your loss.

hilbil21 · 02/01/2023 23:09

I saw my Nana after she passed. Vowed never to do it again. My mum and Dad have since passed and I didn't see either of them through choice. I'm "happy" with my decision. It's such a personal thing though. What's right for one person isn't right for another x

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 02/01/2023 23:10

I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no right or wrong answer. Talk to the staff at the mortuary and explain how you feel, they may be able to put your mind at rest. Equally, don’t feel like you should go, do whatever feels right to you. Do you have family around you?

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 02/01/2023 23:12

I do have family around, I have siblings and aunties and we're all really close and of course my dad god love him.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and sharing your experiences.

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 02/01/2023 23:13

If you don't feel you want to view her actual body, could you go to the funeral home and spend some time with her coffin in the chapel of rest?
My DDad died and as my siblings live overseas, by the time they were both able to come back to the UK, the undertakers said that my DDad's coffin would need to be closed for any visits (DDad was not embalmed). The sibling that was the last to be able to return was ok with that, and took comfort from their visit.

somersetsinger · 02/01/2023 23:13

I'm very sorry that you lost your mam so suddenly.

I have seen family members soon after death and also a few days after they died.

Those who had died recently looked peaceful and as if they were sleeping. I was able to say my goodbyes to them.

When I saw them after a few days, it was clear that (for want of a better description) their soul had left their body. I felt that they had gone and that brought a closure and an understanding.

For me, seeing my relatives was painful but I don't regret it. Do what feels best for you and know that was the right choice.

IncessantNameChanger · 02/01/2023 23:14

It's a really personal choice and there is no right or wrong thing to do. My dad was 65 snd find unexpectedly. I saw him, my sister didn't. Neither regret our choices. My sister said she didn't want to be her last memory, but it's not my lasting memory for me. I wanted to say goodbye.

I'm giving you a warm fuzzy hug right now. Your darling mum would only want you to be happy. She knows you loved her. She would want you to make the right for you alone.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/01/2023 23:14

I'm so sorry. 💐

I am in Ireland, and it is the norm to see people when they have died (not just family, mourners in general)

When my dad died, I was there, and spent a few hours with him immediately after he died, which felt very natural. Once he was laid out, while I did see him, and have seen many dead bodies before, I did find it hard, and limited my time around him. It just wasn't my dad anymore.

So it's very personal, and I think all you can do is make the decision that feels right for you now, and afterwards if you feel differently, you can address that with other supports. There's no right or wrong decision.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2023 23:17

I saw my best friend and my dad after they died. It wasn’t them, if you know what I mean. I didn’t get anything from it.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 02/01/2023 23:21

I think I will speak to the mortician.

God I can't even believe I'm typing this about my mam??

OP posts:
ChicagoBears · 02/01/2023 23:24

Really personal decision I think. I was very glad to see my relative, gave them a kiss and they still had their smell which reminded me of growing up with them as a child. It was comforting.

Icanflyhigh · 02/01/2023 23:25

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in September and I was with her right to the very end. When it came to I chose not to see her in the Chapel of Rest, I wanted to keep my memories of her as I remembered her.
I don't regret not seeing her at all, it is a very personal choice.
Whatever you decide will be the right way for you x

piedbeauty · 02/01/2023 23:28

I have been with loved ones when they died and have felt no need to see them again once dead.

But if I had a loved one who died and I wasn't with them, I can imagine I'd like to see them, to know for myself they were dead. It can give closure.

piedbeauty · 02/01/2023 23:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sorry - I should have said that first.

Orders76 · 03/01/2023 00:07

Agree it's so personal and likely to also change as you go through ups and downs over coming days.
All I would say ( and this is fairly hard) is try to put yourself forward a few days and visualise seeing her and whether it upsets you or makes you feel peaceful.
God, it's beyond hard, sorry for your loss.

58percent · 03/01/2023 00:24

@Mammyloveswine I lost my mum suddenly 18 months ago. I was talking to her on the phone and she was fine and then 90 minutes later, she was gone. In an instant you're thrown into a mad world of funerals and even little things like referring to her in the past tense, not present. I really feel for you. Everyone's journey is different but I think there's lots of common feelings in sudden death.

As for us, we didn't go to see her body as it was actually one of her specific requests. She lost her own mum when she was 16 and was quite traumatised by seeing the body so for years, whenever it came up, she'd say 'promise me...I don't EVER want anyone looking at me'. So when the time came, as sudden as it was, the decision was already made for us.

One of my siblings had a bit of a wobble in the run up to the funeral as he felt so numb and he thought that maybe going might help it to feel real. It had been a couple of weeks by then so the funeral director advised against it.

It's a very personal decision and there's no right or wrong answer. I think when the opportunity presents itself, your gut will tell you one way or the other.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have walked this too.

SliceoQuiche · 03/01/2023 00:29

I lost my dad suddenly on 2nd December and was with him at the hospital 10 minutes or so after he died. It was incredibly comforting for me. Seeing him at the funeral home the week before Christmas was tougher but overall a peaceful experience that has helped a little to ease my denial that he’s gone.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP x

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/01/2023 00:30

How can she be gone?! I just can't believe it! And my poor dad! He's diabetic and living on toast and sandwiches so I thought I'd do a bit of batch cooking of meals for him as his blood sugars are all over the place.

I made him a big pan of vegetable soup so he's having that.

The shock is just awful..and people asking "are you ok?" No I'm not ok!! My mam has died so suddenly!!! And we don't even know why!!!

And don't even get my started on the bloody grief vultures,. "Do you mind me asking if gar happened?" Yes I do fucking mind!! I don't even know yet!!!

I'm feeling very angry today, it's just so shit!!

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 03/01/2023 00:42

I saw my mum shortly after she died and then again at the funeral home. I was scared at seeing her but it was fine. They had done her hair and put a bit of make up on her, I asked for photos to be put in with her and a small teddy. It was very comforting to see her and I don't regret it at all.

58percent · 03/01/2023 00:54

Mammyloveswine · 03/01/2023 00:30

How can she be gone?! I just can't believe it! And my poor dad! He's diabetic and living on toast and sandwiches so I thought I'd do a bit of batch cooking of meals for him as his blood sugars are all over the place.

I made him a big pan of vegetable soup so he's having that.

The shock is just awful..and people asking "are you ok?" No I'm not ok!! My mam has died so suddenly!!! And we don't even know why!!!

And don't even get my started on the bloody grief vultures,. "Do you mind me asking if gar happened?" Yes I do fucking mind!! I don't even know yet!!!

I'm feeling very angry today, it's just so shit!!

I'm so sorry! My mum died in the middle of a lockdown and I had so many random people ask me, 'was it Covid?' It was like somehow if it had been Covid (it wasn't!), it would have been worse? Oh shut up all of you grief vultures and besides which, why is it anyone's business??

I hope you're able to get some answers soon.

Winemygoodenemy · 03/01/2023 00:55

@Mammyloveswine My mum recently passed away at the same age as yours. It was sudden and I hadn’t seen her since autumn. I was due to see her over Christmas. I went and saw her 2 days later. Sounds silly but I wanted to check it was real and to see my mum for the last time.

she looked peaceful. Her skin flawless. You could tell her soul left her body, but she looked asleep. She still had some tubes left in her, but that was soon ignored. It was comforting to me. I made her hair neat and had my had on her chest and forehead. In a weird way it was for me to check she had died. I felt better.

grief vultures, I have them. I can’t put the cards out and flowers I don’t want. I love flowers, but these are not a celebration. She had a direct to cremation funeral - her choice. In a way was good idea as we didn’t have to plan a funeral. Some people didn’t understand this and keep asking when it is. It happened 1 week after she died and my brother dad and I FaceTimed each other. Was very apt as we spent a lot of lockdown and sfter on FaceTime. It was also joe I saw my mum die. She didn’t want a fuss.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/01/2023 00:58

I'm so sorry @Winemygoodenemy and @58percent !

I've had beautiful flowers and cards but from those I know care so they mean a lot.

People have generally been so so kind.

Sadly my H has not and I just don't know how I'll get past this. His family also have been shit.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 03/01/2023 01:12

This is awful. It's hard enough when you're prepared. We lost a close family member recently,they were early 60s. Also full of life. Blood clot after an operation. It's rocked the family. You must still be thinking has this really happened?
I think you'll know if you should go. It might make you believe as with a sudden death it can make you feel in limbo.
Keep posting we're here and care ❤️

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