How long can I pretend?

[Underit]

My brother took his own life this year, my eldest brother who moulded and guided all my principles in life.
He messaged me goodbye, but I didn't see it and by the time I managed to get help to his house he was gone.
What I'm struggling with is actually accepting and wanting to believe he is gone, he is though, I saw him after but despite this I refuse to allow any thoughts/conversations with people which reinforce this. I'm not even sad really which sounds strange to say, but I'm not sad because I won't let any thoughts in of him which then results in realisation that this is true. The pain is indescribable and I can't allow myself to fall down a rabbit hole of depression so I block it out.
Its been difficult as I'm watching my parents and siblings fall apart, my family is broken but I can't join in with this brokenness because I am unsure if I will ever come out of it. Can anybody relate to this? Can I postpone things until I'm ready? Do I need help? It's been 10months but I'm not ready to accept this yet.
If anybody can talk to me I would appreciate that.

I'm so sorry Underit. I've no wise words about "the right way" to grieve. Maybe the fact that you're asking questions and thinking about this suggests that you are getting ready to "acknowledge" it more? Are there people in your life who listen when you talk ?

I am.experiencing bereavement through suicide of my partner. It been over a year,. I know he's gone as I visit his grave but it still seems so unreal. The other day I thought he was in my car. The only thing I would say is there is not a formula or prescriptive pattern to grief. I have lost both parents over time,one at a very young age but it is nothing like this grief. My partner and I were onli together two years,it was not plain sailing but nothing can prepare you for the agony. I think.personally we sometimes compartmentalise things to survive,e.g. at work I okish. Postponing the beginning of the grieving process in my opinion just makes things worse. My dad died when I was 17 and as oldest had to grow up.pretty quick. I never allowed myself to grieve and consequently delayed grief came on 30 years later. No good. See if u can get some counselling via NHS. In my area I was able to self refer. Be kind to yourself OP.

Thankyou for the replies. I just feel so selfish watching everybody else in pain, but I know if I allow myself to acknowledge it and feel it my life is not going to function. I love my brother so much, we were such a close family and in the days/weeks initially after it I couldn't function. I couldn't eat, sleep, the physical pain is immense and I have 3 children and I need to continue with daily life to care for them but I'm scared i won't be able to. I don't know what I'm looking for or what the answer is.
I'm waiting for him to come to me, people say it happens all the time don't they. Relatives come through and they see them and feel them, even hear them. Nothing for me yet. My mum won't let his ashes go, we don't have a grave to visit but I fear if we did that's where I would spend every available hour.

I think there is something protective about the fact that it takes so long, years, before the shock reduces and you somehow "adjust" to the world after that event. I don't think you always realise you are in shock until you come out of it.

Sorry not sure that is helpful at the point you are at, but just know everyone deals with it differently and there is nothing at all wrong with postponing thinking about it and trying to keep on. I definitely did that.

So sorry for the loss of your brother. I think i can relate to what you are feeling. My family have suffered two bereavements this year, one sudden, one due to cancer.
At the moment I feel numb, interspersed with feeling angry and tired. I imagine that if I devote lots of time to really thinking about the scale of these losses I could be too overwhelmed to cope with my every day life and responsibilities.

I plan to request some counselling and try and carve out some time daily to think and grieve. I think though that it is perfectly OK to try and hold on / manage as best you can in any way that helps you get through.

Be kind to yourself.

We just aren't cut out as humans to deal with this level of trauma are we. Some people seem so strong. I want to be one of them. I manage fine daily, I get my jobs done by telling myself that I will ring my brother and catch up with him once the kids are in bed, then I tell myself I won't bother him because it's late. I haven't seen him for so long because he has I just been so busy with work. It's all just false and my husband thinks I'm going mad. I see a wagon and always look twice to see if it's him driving or I will look out the window to see if it's him knocking at the door. I don't know if that's helping me as I can make excuses or put things off or if really I'm just torturing myself. I haven't supported my family because I can't bare to see the pain. Yesterday was awful but more for them than me, I just told myself he was working and we would see him today, but now today is here.
I'm so sorry to you all for your losses, nobody can prepare you can they and it just seems so unfair.

One of the things I've learnt over the years is that people do find ways of dealing with unimaginable loss / trauma. It's life changing but we do find ways of eventually coping and the loss becomes a part of us if you se what I mean? How have you explained this to your children? Maybe contacting the brilliant organisation Winston's Wish about their bereavement may help you in starting to process your loss? I know it's important that children learn resilience and see that life shattering events can be dealt with in the long run - that tears and sadness are a normal part of life?
Not trying to be intrusive, just wondering whether helping your children may help you confront the reality?