When did it hit you?

[GalwayShawl]

We buried our lovely mum on Monday

She was so sick and lived with us for six months, in and out of hospital culminating in open heart surgery from which we never fully woke. I could see her deteriorating day by day from July to December.

I am far better than I thought I would be possibly because it was my entire life for
Months and I think I got used to it?

but also she went blind through a stroke and developed dementia quite suddenly so I feel like I’ve been missing her for most of this year. I don’t know if I’ve come to terms with it because if the traumatic and desperate nature of her death or because I’m aware that had she lived, it wouldn’t have been a life worth living for her.

but I’m ok! A bit teary at times and flashbacks to ICU but other than that feel ok, just cracking on.

Im scared that I’ll be hit by a huge tsunami of grief but at the moment feel totally capable and grateful that she’s no longer suffering. She and I have been released from a devastating situation.

i am looking forward to the new year. I feel so inappropriate. Looking forward to getting my life back.

is it possible I’ve done my grieving? We we’re so close yet I just feel that she’s within me and always with me and I feel broadly fine. I know she’s here and I feel strong. Am I in shock??

I'm in a similar situation. My Mum was diagnosed with a heart condition back in March this year and steadily declined. In October she collapsed at home and spent just over 2 weeks in hospital. She was discharged home and I stayed with her for some time. She had no interest in eating and didn't want to drink much. Two weeks later she had a fall and was back in hospital. As a result of the fall she sustained a bleed on the brain and this combined with heart failure led to her passing away 6 days later. Mum was 88 and up until her heart condition diagnosis had been very capable and independent, living alone since my Dad died from a stroke 28 years ago. I have shed a few tears but generally feel OK although I will obviously miss her. Mum's quality of life was very poor at the end and I am glad she did not have to carry on as she was. I think it helps that I know she would want me to get on with life and be positive.

@BlueyPuff somsorru for your loss. Seems to be a similar timeframe as me - a few months. I’m grateful my mum didn’t have to live blind and with dementia because we are sure she came out of open heart surgery with both.

My husband thinks she gave me the gift of being positive and practical- maybe yours has done that too. ❤️❤️

I'm still waiting I think. I lost someone close 2.5 years ago, after an illness of 6 months and I don't think it's hit me yet. You go into survival mode whilst dealing with their illness (we knew it was terminal) and then there's the relief that they're not suffering any more when they die. Next there's a period of adjusting to the new normal whilst feeling guilty that you are relieved you no longer are faced with spending all your free time watching your relative suffer in pain. I still haven't properly grieved and often have moments where it seems like it was all a bad dream and I can't believe they're dead.

Same OP. My Dad was diagnosed as terminal in August and he died very suddenly from a secondary complication in October. It was very sudden but he hadn’t really been himself for the few months beforehand and I think I’d probably done my grieving. I take a lot of comfort in the fact that he didn’t fade away, he was terrified of that and he never had a lot of pain. I miss him but I’m glad he didn’t have to go through anymore treatment etc. because he’d had enough and it was all only palliative anyway.

I spoke to a friend of mine about it, knowing he had lost his Dad suddenly as well and he says ‘It’s okay to be okay’.

I completely understand what you mean about feeling guilty but I supposed that’s the practical side of me too, that’s life, it’ll come to us all and the alternative would have been horrific for us all and not what he would have wanted. Our parents are at peace, there’s a lot to be said for it.

It might take you by surprise. When you smell a certain smell, see a certain film. Or it might pop up on you when you are at your lowest ebb. Or when you are at your happiest. Or when you’re sat in your car in Asda car park. Don’t fear your grief. That’s the love you still feel. Sudden unexpected deaths can be shocking and traumatic for those left behind blindsided by the loss. A more expected one following a longer period of illness can be more gentle. You’ve already grieved a little day by day. Be kind to yourself and I’m very sorry for your loss.

This is surprisingly normal.
Three years ago this was me, having lost my Mum after a period of illness and "gone into survival mode" as a PP said.
I still don't feel I've grieved properly, it's just a seeping sadness, as though the grief is walled up in a reservoir and just trickles through cracks.
I did cry today while wrapping presents - her birthday was just after Xmas and we loved buying presents for each other - I lost my Dad (they were long divorces I should add) a few months after her and I miss getting him his gifts (always very pragmatic!) too. But ... I still didn't FEEL anything much. It seems to blow over very quickly like a spring squall.

Don't know what the answer is, but we kind of just have to accept that this is what our body is prepared to do in terms of emotions, and deal with it :/

I lost my Dad earlier this year. We had 6 months of illness and many stays in hospital. We were with him at the end and I think that helped me greatly. I have moments when I well up thinking about him but he had a good long life and passed away really peacefully with his family around him so I think that makes it easier to accept. In comparison my younger sibling died 3 years ago really suddenly and I've still not full come to terms with it. So sudden and unexpected still can't get my head round it. Grief takes so many different forms for us all. We never stop missing them x

I do not think there is anything inappropriate about wanting to get your life back. Perhaps ur grieving started before your mom died. Ignore anything anyone else says;they have not walked in ur shoes. I would say that grief doesnt necessarily just stop so be prepared for some 'episodes/ tears when u least expect it- that's normal. Take care

i feel like u are describing me a couple of years ago after my mum died following years of chronic illness. I had dreaded it and when it happened I thought ‘oh - how come I’m coping?’. I was so sure I’d fall apart, but I felt my mum’s presence (I’m not religious- I just still felt she was in and around my life).

Then one day, a few months after her death and without any particular rhyme or reason, I had an enormous sense of loss. It was as if a hand that I had been holding had quietly slipped away and I cd no longer get it back. I was devastated. But I knew I wd be fine because I had been coping and so I managed to keep on going and I knew it was possible to laugh and feel joy in amongst grief.

I think about her every day. I love her so much and tears are rolling down my face as I write this.

The relationship u had with ur mum was a gift that u will carry with u forever. It may b that u get blindsided by waves of grief wen u least expect it. I find it a huge comfort in making time to ’talk’ to my mum as if she’s still here, either in my head or out loud if no one is in the house. Zero rules apply. Brains r amazing things, sheltering us from the hardest feelings and sometimes releasing them at a later date.

How lucky we have been to have wonderful mums. Sending love x

Thanks for these lovely posts

I spend yesterday bawling my eyes out and had to go to bed for the afternoon

Yet…. today I’ve woken up with my usual vigour and sense of purpose.

Grief is such an odd thing. The only thing that’s constant is that I feel exhausted all the time.

I hope we all get through Christmas as happy as we can manage.