Anticpatory grief - how to cope?

[therecouldbeonlysomuch]

DM, 57, diagnosed dementia in June. No longer really knows me at all, though sometimes she says stuff that makes us think she has thoughts of us occasionally, she can't really talk to me, she's lost loads of weight so she's very skinny.

Everyone keeps saying I'm grieving for her, but she's still here, in body if not really in mind. It's a very confusing feeling.

This afternoon I got tearful watching Christmas carols, and rang a helpline, and chatted away to someone - end of call she said, my name's 'x', what can I call you?

Exact same name as my mum.

People keep saying my mum's always with me, to look out/listen for her... and that feels like a sign - if you believe in signs - but how can that be when she's still very much alive? I don't know if that makes sense.

I know logically its just a coincidence, though it made me cry happy tears for a change. I don't know if I'm silly to take comfort from it and to imagine from it that some part of my mum as she was is still with me, iyswim.

Like you my M was diagnosed with dementia at a very early age. I just wanted to say that I know it is not easy but somehow that desire to help her will overtake this and your empathy will take over. I think it's just a very sentimental time of the year and this will add to your feelings. Bless you and I wish you the best.

I understand and anticipatory grief is a very real, very hard thing to go through. There are no right or wrong ways to feel when you are in your situation and it can be very hard to find others who understand. You are not silly to take comfort from anything you find comfort in

So sorry for this. It's the long good bye, so hard for the family. Get in touch in real life with a local dementia support group, they really are invaluable.

I have 32 people with mild - moderate dementia coming to an event this week, I'm used to seeing them but it's hard seeing the deterioration of these people even in a professional capacity.

Op I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Dementia is an awful illness, and your mum is so young that I'm guessing it's Pick's dementia? Whilst all dementia is gut wrenching, Pick's is particularly nasty as it normally destroys the frontal temporal lobes, so personality and language tend to get impacted first.
Grieving for losing the person your mother was, is absolutely normal. I think take comfort where you find it.

It's pick's yeah, they thought she might have some sort of movement disorder too (but not sure what) as she's had funny episodes of like ataxia/parkinsons type movements, plus she's developed epileptic seizures. It's the most hellish, hellish thing, her personality's been gradually going since Christmas 2016. I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone.

Thank you , I felt silly getting tearful because she's still alive but for a very brief moment just felt like my mum was still there with me. was a lovely feeling.

My DM is awaiting a dementia diagnosis.
I lost my dad in sept and all I want is a hug from my mum, but she’s taken such a dislike to me and saying such awful untruths about me.
I KNOW it’s not really my mum but I feel as if I’m grieving for both parents even though I can go see my mum 😪

My mum was like that 🤗 the day I had to take her to hospital she looked at me and spoke to me in such a cold, horrible way that I can’t forget - can remember the way the paramedic tried to lighten the mood by making a joke and I smiled and mum looked at me and glared, ‘and what the hell are you laughing at?’ - she didn’t have a clue who I was and she was frightened and confused which was driving it, but I was devastated.

sending you big hugs, it’s so so so hard. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your dad too.