Supporting kids through the loss of a parent through suicide

[whataballbag]

Ex DP took his own life earlier this week.

He sent me an odd text late at night, I sent the police round to his house as he didn't answer the phone to me when I called as soon as I saw it. They knocked on my door a few hours later to tell me what had happened. It felt very cold and clinical. Like the worst moment of my life was just another job to get done.

It's been an extremely traumatic week for all of us, he wasn't just an ex, he was one of my best friends, and my children's father. How do I support them through this?

I've looked online but it's a minefield, contacted winstons wish, waiting to hear back from them.

They don't know it was a suicide yet, they are 8 and 5. I know it's best to be completely honest with them but I just don't know how, and I don't want this to affect their mental health in the future. And above everything I just want to get it all right for them.

Firstly I am so so sorry you are going though this, and your children are going through this.

I don't have specific advice, I can only offer a virtual hug.

When schools reopen engage the school with the situation as they may have access to specific support too, and will also be able to help with their own support structure.

If you want to tell them about suicide id go with the approach of daddys brain was poorly, but in all honesty OP I would wait a while, im sorry for you and your children. There is a lady called dani bates an american who is very good her partner took his own life

School have been fabulous. Older DS wanted to go in the last 2 days of term this week and they've been brilliant with him.

They are arranging something through pastoral for the new year.

I will have a look for her Thankyou!

Contact Winston’s Wish — they were extremely helpful when a friend of mine was in a similar situation. OP xx

So very sorry OP. Sending you and your family much love.

You may find this helpful advice

www.winstonswish.org/explain-suicide-to-children/

Sorry OP, just realised you have contacted Winston's Wish.

Maybe you have already read the page I linked to, I hope it helps you gather your thoughts - and questions - in advance to speaking to them.

If you do need some crisis support, whilst you wait for them to call you. they have the below service

Crisis Messenger text service: text WW to 85258

How awful for you all, I'm so sorry.
A friend of mine whose stepchildren were bereaved by the suicide of a parent says that a charity called Grief Encounter really helped a lot.

Thankyou everyone

My mum died by suicide, I was 21 at the time my youngest brother was 5. I told him that mummy had gotten very poorly, so poorly the doctors hadn't been able to fix her and she had died. Keep your language very simple and plain, no euphemisms like gone to sleep, or gone away. You need to be clear but you don't need to be detailed.

Winstons wishes is a great charity that have a lot of resources to support children through a bereavement.

I'm sorry for your loss

Two other charities:
Jeremiah’s journey
Pete’s Dragons.
They might be location specific but will be able to signpost to similar.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I would suggest that the children don’t need to know the manner of how he died until you’re ready. However, other children at school might well hear about it from local gossip/ news, so be prepared for that.

I would say as well please please find and keep as many 'memories' as possible. Voice recordings, videos, photos. You don't need to make a shrine or anything but just have them somewhere 5he t your sons can look at whenever they need to.

My mum was a typical mum in that she was behind the camera 99% of the time so we had very few photos of her. I have 21 years of memories but my brother was so little he can barely remember her and that's it's own kind of pain.

You'll have periods of time in the coming weeks when your kids seem absolutely normal and unaffected and then all of a sudden something will happen, out of the blue and they'll get upset, or clingy. Let it happen and just do whatever comes naturally.

Speak to the school about how they handle things like Father's Day, generally they are well versed in supporting kids who have either lost a parent or for other reasons have no contact with a parent but it can be a trigger.

My daughter lost her dad to suicide when she was 8, her siblings were 17, 24 and 25. Winston's wish were brilliant and advices being honest from the start of how he died and then talked me through how to tell her it was suicide and how her dad's brain was very poorly and he was in too much pain to stay. They also had a book called 'beyond the rough rock' which was about how losing someone through suicide is a different type of grief and difficult to understand, which really helpful for all of us. We are three and a half years on from the initial pain and devastation of when we found out, and we have all managed to accept what happened and rebuild our lives and although we all miss him terribly, it is not the overwhelming, crippling pain it once was. My heart goes out to you and your children, sending you love and strength to get through the days and weeks ahead xx

My partner lost a parent to suicide. It was a long time ago so no support whatsoever from family or anyone else and he wasn’t told how they’d died/wasn’t allowed to talk about them. He only found out it was suicide twenty years later. So I can’t give much advice except be as open as you can and allow them to go through the full grieving process. And shower them with love and reassurance. My partner is still very mentally damaged and traumatized forty years later.

My father died by suicide when I was 4 and my brother was not even 1. I was told by my uncle when I was 43 having asked him about family medical history. I had been told by my mother that it was a heart attack. Whilst I am glad I didn’t know when I was small and even a teenager, I feel anger that no one told me when I reached adulthood. It is my story.

My parents (stepfather and mother) do not talk about anything hard, ever. Things are hidden, brushed under the carpet and consequently not addressed. This attitude has done untold damage to my brother. His mental health issues as a teenager were also brushed under the carpet and have snowballed into adulthood. Had I known about my father I may have been more understanding of him, helped him, and we would not have been estranged for 15 years.

OP - timing is everything I think. It is their story and they need to know. Perhaps not now.

Can't imagine how you must all be feeling right now, it must be so difficult.

I'm not sure what area you are in, I'm hoping that the organisations above can offer extra support. I have some other links which you may find useful.

uksobs.org/we-can-help/local-support-groups/find/?doing_wp_cron=1670889957.2486948966979980468750

amparo.org.uk/

I am sorry for your loss, my husband died very suddenly, not suicide, when my children were 7 and 11. They told me at the hospital most children cope well to begin with, maybe a year or two down the line, issues can develop, and this is what happened to me, further down the line my youngest developed depression and an anxiety and panic disorder.
All you can do is make them feel as loved, safe and secure as you can, counselling can be helpful. Make sure you also look after yourself. It's up to you what and when you decide to tell them, they are both still very young.

Thankyou everyone, I really really appreciate the advice.

They are aware he's died, just not the how. I made sure to use the 'permanent' words, and they definitely understand because we've had a few 'I'm sad I'll never see daddy again' etc.

Absolutely heartbreaking for them but I also feel just so bloody angry

I'm so sorry OP.

I had similar - a relative committed suicide and I was so so angry for a long while. Then one day someone said something that finally resonated with me - it's like when a building is burning and people jump from the burning building to escape it. Except here, it's his brain that was the burning building and he just needed a way out.

I hope you & your kids get the support you need in the time that comes.xx

As for pictures etc. I have hundreds and hundreds. He always used to laugh at me for recording the most mundane daily moments. So glad I did now

I’m so sorry. We lost my BIL to suicide 4 years ago when his kids were similar ages to yours

Winston’s Wish were amazing and their helpline is able to give you good advice on how to handle specific questions as well as general ways to talk to them

And definitely contact SOBS for you, they have been so supportive and helpful.

One of the things we do a lot of is general chat about their dad day to day. ‘Oh, it’s raining outside. Your dad used to love putting his big black boots on when it was really wet outside and would laugh at my pink wellies.’
’Shall we have chicken for lunch? That was dad’s favourite lunch, especially with peas and carrots’
They really love hearing the minutiae of him and his life to feel connected

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to nip back now I feel ever so slightly clearer and say Thankyou so much for all this advice.

And I'm so so sorry to hear of everyone that's been through similar.

My boys are making me so incredibly proud. Talking about their daddy lots and all the funny silly things he did. It all still feels very surreal.

He has another DS too, he is 10, and has taken it very hard. He is a very intuitive child and I think he might be picking up on everyone else's emotions too. I have spoken to his mum pretty much every day and we're planning to get the boys together over Christmas and just let them run around and be kids, brothers, little boys, away from (most of) the sad adults. We think it will do them a lot of good.

You sound amazing. I hope you have good friends to support you too. 💗

@whataballbag am so sorry for all you and the dc have been through. Are you and the other mum getting help too? Even just support through phonecalls etc too? Thinking of you.

Morning,

I'm waiting for my GP to call this morning so will mention support etc to them, but lots of support through friends, family (his and mine) and work!