My Mum died last week

[Ralphiesaurus]

Just that, really.

She was 94, and had been struggling for years (and resisting any care support provided) so not entirely unexpected, and there’s some relief that her pain and distress is over. It’s been a very hard few years trying to balance her wishes for “independence” against her safety.

I was by her bedside in hospital when she died last Saturday morning. She was an incredible woman, extremely accomplished, but not a “warm” Mum. I have made my peace with that over the years but our relationship wasn’t always easy. Still miss her though.

Back to work tomorrow after a week of compassionate leave. I feel a bit odd about that. A friend said I should have taken longer, and work are v supportive, but DH disapproves. (He doesn’t work because he has MS.)

I feel tired. I’ve a family Christmas to get going and I just want to forget it… only I don’t because I know doing nice things for people will make me feel better.

Anyway… One thing Mum taught me was “not to sit around brooding”, and she was right. Except after my sister died unexpectedly at Christmas, when I was 14, I took that too far and bottled up my emotions so much the grief took years and years to process. Ditto my Dad who died when I was 18. So I will try to find a balance. The palliative care team gave me a counsellor a few months ago and those meetings will continue for a few weeks, so I will get there.

I am sorry for your loss. You have a lot of old trauma that has maybe come to the surface after your mum's death. It will probably take time to process it all. Christmas is a difficult time. I hope you have company and support.

I'm so sorry. That's so much for you to deal with. Take the time that you need - which is something only you can judge, may not be linear and will undoubtedly be influenced by the many losses you have had to bear. I hope that you get support, and send lots of good wishes. My mum's death was 10 months ago, and this time is just bloody hard.

Very sorry OP.

I agree that you should take longer than a week compassionate leave. This is the only time you will be able to take it, and grief comes and goes in waves. Also the initial weeks after death are taken up with practicalities and funeral arrangements, it's after that you need time to process.

I'm so sorry for your loss; for all your losses. Please be gentle with yourself 💐

Sorry for your loss, it’s so hard at any time to loose a parent. I lost my Dad 9 years ago tomorrow and Christmas was hard (and still is). We just muddled through. Only you can decide if you are ready to go back to work, I only worked part time and I went back straight after.

Sorry you've had a tough time. Do you want to extend your leave? If you feel like you'd benefit, which sounds completely reasonable then why not take it and be refreshed after Christmas. I'm not sure I understand why DH thinks you should return to work. Is he able to take on any of your Christmas role or can you hugely downsize it all this year.

That sounds hard. What does your husband disapprove of? You’ve mentioned what your friend thinks, what your mum thought and what your husband thinks, but not what you think. It’s ok to sit around and brood.

So sorry about the loss of your mum. I lost my sister on Thursday after a traumatic period of serious illness. For weeks and months I have tried hard to keep going, to work, at home etc.
I will take compassionate leave next week and then luckily there is a natural break with the Christmas and New year period. Would it be the same for you ?
It is OK to take the time you need to think, go for walks, cry, watch trashy TV. It sounds as though you have postponed grieving in the past and that this wasn't necessarily helpful. The stiff upper lip mentality is one way of coping ( temporarily) but not really the strongest or best.
Sending love to you 💐

Sorry about your Mum. It would seem like a good plan to stay out until after Christmas as you are probably exhausted as well as grieving. Your dh has no say in this.
Around here people often don't celebrate Christmas if they have had a recent bereavement so if that route suits you you have every reason to be totally low key. Just listen to your own body and your own mental health especially as your work are supportive. An extra week now would be far better than going back too early and finding you can't manage.
Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear about the death of your mum and sending hugs. I lost my Dad at the end of November and was off a couple of weeks before that to care for him. I went on sick leave almost immediately and haven't taken any compassionate. GP signed me off and I'm not due back until the new year. If you have paid sick leave, maybe you should do this. It is important to have time to grieve and not rush back because you feel OK. It will hit later. As for Xmas, I'm sure I wouldn't feel like it either. My DH has organised everything on that front so now I feel able to quietly enjoy. If you don't feel up to it, that is completely fine. Take care of yourself OP X

I'm so sorry about your mum and also about your sister and your dad. That's a lot of grief to process at a young age if you were 14 and 18 and your mum's death is naturally going to bring back those other memories of grief.

Be kind to yourself and treat that as your priority. Soldiering on only works for a while, sometimes having the ability to sit quietly with our thoughts and acknowledge them allows us to process it better.

I'm sure your DH loves you very much but it's not his decision how you deal with this, you know yourself best.
I hope you have a peaceful Xmas OP.