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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I am not doing so well, anyone else struggling?

23 replies

bloodywhitecat · 15/12/2022 19:45

DH died in February and just lately I have found the days (the evenings in particular) harder and harder to get through. I have had bereavement counselling which did help but right now I am not sure what, if anything, would help. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

Tunnocks2022 · 15/12/2022 19:47

Just sending love xx I know I’m some years on from you. Happens to be the anniversary of DH’s death though. I didn’t realise how much dates mattered until they did. No advice really, just solidarity and 💐

Honeyroar · 15/12/2022 19:48

I’m really sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. I lost my dad a few months ago and am up and down. I’d be amazed if you weren’t finding it tough. It’s a horrible time of year to get through too. I’ve nothing useful to add, just wanted you to know Im listening and thinking of you.

MissyB1 · 15/12/2022 19:53

Just want to send some love and empathy, I’m missing someone close that passed away recently. This time of year I think it’s extra hard.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/12/2022 20:52

Sending love @bloodywhitecat

We are in similar boats as I recall and in the same timeframe and I totally relate.

PermanentTemporary · 15/12/2022 20:55

Oh @bloodywhitecat I'm so sorry. It's still such early days, so many walls to climb.

Could you go back into therapy? I'm 4 years further on and I still don't cope well without it.

Original poster

bloodywhitecat · 16/12/2022 00:08

Sending much love back to you all , I hate that so many find themselves in the same place.

OP posts:

Whitwhit · 16/12/2022 00:12

Thinking of you @bloodywhitecat
It’s a shit time of year to be dealing with grief tbh (well IMHO)
As everyone’s all ‘wahay it’s Christmas’ and I’m just not feeling it at all. But obviously I don’t want to put a damper on other people’s joy.
💐

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 16/12/2022 00:17

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you bloodywhitecat.

PermanentTemporary · 16/12/2022 07:54

How are you doing @bloodywhitecat?

It's funny, I occasionally do chat to dh in my mind now, I hardly ever did at first. Only at the grave.

It's a horrible time of year for grave visiting too, doesn't help. The grave visits almost never made me feel better or even different but I kind of had to do them anyway.

Plumstrum · 16/12/2022 07:59

So sorry to hear this. Sending hugs and 💐

Hellenbach · 16/12/2022 08:24

It's your first Christmas without him. I remember the pain of that. It's 6 years on for me and I find myself jolted back to happy memories and have a cry regularly this time of year.
It's tough. Take it easy. Be sad but plan some distractions.
You're not alone.

Original poster

bloodywhitecat · 16/12/2022 08:30

@PermanentTemporary thank you for asking. I actually slept for six hours straight last night for the first time in ages. I am sitting at the table looking out at the frosty fields and in my head I can hear DH telling me how beautiful the day is. He could see the beauty in every day. Tonight he would've bounced through the door, given me a big hug and declared "It's the freaking weekend!". He loved weekends with me and the fosterlings. I frequently talk to him, I also still ask him to just come home now. How do you get through Christmas when it is so different.

Yesterday was the anniversary of him coming home after his stroke, I think it was the day I really knew we were heading for the end.

OP posts:

Defiantlynot41 · 16/12/2022 09:03

@bloodywhitecat so sorry to hear you are struggling. I can't imagine what you are going through. My Mum died in the summer after a long and happy life and I still found myself in absolute pieces yesterday (triggered by Michael bloody Buble). Sending love and solidarity.

Hellenbach · 16/12/2022 09:06

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I found the first Christmas difficult as, like you, it triggered hospital and illness related memories. My DH almost died just before Christmas but rallied and died the following May.

Now my memories are of the happy times, but that's taken some time.

The first year I took the children away for a holiday abroad. We had Christmas Day with my mother in law and I have to say it was one of the most awful, saddest days of my life! I vowed to not do that again...

We didn't for 5 years, but this year we will. It's crass but time does lessen the pain.

Your DH sounds wonderful. Sending you strength.

anothergrievingsister · 16/12/2022 14:41

I am so sorry for everyone who is struggling, and I am in the thick of it with you. My beloved and much younger DB whom I helped to bring up died suddenly a few months ago. It was a medically precipitated accident whilst pursuing the sport he loved. We (and, I feel sure, he) had no idea he was at risk, but he had recently had Covid.

At first I could barely function, recently I was doing slightly better. Since the run up to Christmas without him I am almost back to square one. DH is being fantastic but I am worried about how I am withdrawing from him on top of everything else.

I am so sorry for all of us

anothergrievingsister · 16/12/2022 14:42

PS and of course for those we have lost, many like DB in their prime or younger

Diversion · 16/12/2022 22:43

I followed your threads and my heart broke for you. Somebody once told me that the firsts of anything are so very hard. I am still very new to all of this and experiencing my firsts too, although different to yours, Sending much love and peace. I have found writing somewhat comforting. Remember that it is fine to do you and nobody can tell you how your experience of grief should be. Thinking of you!

PermanentTemporary · 17/12/2022 07:32

That's true about writing. I wrote a long letter to dh at one time, and pieces about how I was getting on and the weird things I was going through. I keep planning to delete them but haven't yet, they're all password protected though so with any luck they won't horrify ds in the future.

echt · 17/12/2022 09:07

It's more the six years since my DH died and for reasons I cannot fathom I am struggling. It's not about Christmas in particular, but I find myself corrodingly envious of couples of my age (65+). This featured markedly in the months after his death but had disappeared, to come howling back now.

I don't imagine for one moment their lives are perfect, but I so miss him and so miss being able to talk to a grown-up person. I feel very lonely.

Mischance · 17/12/2022 09:22

Us widows are alone in a coupled world - I often find it hard. Sending hugs.

Mischance · 17/12/2022 11:11

How are you doing today bloodywhitecat?

Original poster

bloodywhitecat · 17/12/2022 16:47

Mischance · 17/12/2022 11:11

How are you doing today bloodywhitecat?

Today has been a lovely day. I have been to see my little fosterling who moved to his new family 10 weeks ago and I had a lovely time with him. It was very clear that he now has a beautiful bond growing with his new parents but it was also very clear that he still has a space in his heart for me. He came to us as a tiny baby and stayed for two and a half years. he was here all through DH's illness (they had a beautiful relationship too). We met in the park and as soon as their car door opened I could hear him excitedly saying my name, he then gave me the biggest cuddle and I spent quite a lot of the time carrying him. I love seeing my past fosterlings and watching their bonds growing with their new families, I love that, so far, I still play a part in their lives. DH would've loved seeing or small person today and seeing just how far he has come and it makes me feel his presence all the more strongly.

It is so true about being alone in a coupled world. Widowhood is not a journey anyone would choose

OP posts:

Diversion · 17/12/2022 20:58

@bloodywhitecat that is just so lovely, I am glad that you had a nice day. You sound like an amazing foster parent. I hope that today has lifted your heart a little, be proud of what you and your DH gave to that little person and to all of the others who you fostered too. I hope that you can find some peace over the next few weeks, manage to sleep and to take good care of yourself 💐

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