My grandpa died nearly 3 years ago just before the first lockdown. We were so close as I never had my dad around, his death was sudden and I felt like he had so many more years left!
I miss him all the time but this Christmas I'm really struggling, more so than the first Christmas and even last year.
I think this first Christmas was a weird one because it had been an awful year after his death with covid lockdowns etc, I think I was in auto pilot and wanted a good Christmas for my Dc after a crappy year all round. I also don't think it had actually dawned on me he was gone. Because it was covid and lockdown, I wasn't able to visit grandmas house so I still think I thought he was there, if that makes sense? We couldn't really see family at Christmas anyway.
I think I was in auto pilot for the whole of 2020 tbh. Trying to keep it together for Dc. I didn't really grieve.
but 3rd Christmas in, I'm feeling crappy. It doesn't help I'm not on good terms with my family at the minute, we haven't fallen out as such but I've not been in a good place mentally and they've not really been present (not that I expect them to be but sometimes I feel like an outsider). I feel like my grandad was the person I was closest too and now he's gone and I'm a bit lonely!