How to keep it together at the funeral

[tootrueblue]

My lovely Dad died last week, we knew it was coming. The funeral is next week and I'm struggling with the thought of all the ceremony around it - the coffin being walked in, everyone looking at us, hearing people's kind words about him.

How did you get through it? I've listened to the music a few times to try and desensitise and I'm quite a pragmatic person normally. Im also quite a private person in terms of crying and if I can help it, I don't want to do it in front of everyone.

I thought I would be a wreck at my darling mums funeral but I didn't cry at all, people behind me that didn't know her that well were sobbing ! I think it was the adrenaline that got me through, also I organised the whole thing so knew what to expect, I wrote the eulogy (celebrant read it or else I would have cried I'm sure!). Chose the music and photos and had already watched the tribute of pics and music beforehand. I felt more weepy afterwards and very very low, music sets me off now if it reminds me of her but it's only been two months so still very raw.

There is some really good advice here. As the vicar I have some tips for not losing it at a funeral. Deep breaths are good. I'm told pressing your tongue into the roof of the mouth works for some people. Posters have already said don't look at people. You are having enough to deal with in your own grief without engaging in other people's emotions. If you feel yourself wobbling don't panic, do your 8 times tables or similar to get out of the emotional part of your brain. Don't attempt a reading or the eulogy. Sit right at the front and the only person who sees if you do cry is the celebrant or vicar and we won't tell. Dark glasses, a hat or hair hides a lot.

For families the hardest part can be seeing the coffin for the first time. If you can go and see it before hand then do. Some families find it hard to see the curtain close at the crem. There is usually the option of not doing this.

The funeral is a rite. If what is on offer doesn't help then use whatever techniques you need to get through it. Saying goodbye is important so if you can make space to do that in your own time and in your own way it will help in the long term.

I'm so,sorry for your loss.

Your replies are all so helpful and lovely. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me - I'm really sorry you've been through it too.

I am so sorry for your loss.

What helped me was thinking about the person who had died, and that gave me a quiet, inward strength to get through the funeral. There's no harm or shame in crying but I fully understand what you are saying about not wishing to do so while others are around.

Take care of yourself.

I had written my Mums eulogy in advance because I knew inside that this time would be different and that she would die and I wanted to have a clear head whilst I wrote it. My sister and my Dad asked for a few additional bits to be added but there was nobody else to read as Mum just wanted us there. I read and re-read, I pictured what it would be like in my head standing in front of everyone. This was the last thing I could do for Mum and I needed to do it without being too tearful. I was with Mum when she died, my voice would have been the last one she heard and I took some comfort in that. I also visited her twice at the funeral directors and was grateful that she looked much nicer than I had imagined. I also walked in front of Mum's coffin at the funeral as I refused to let the undertakers walk ahead of her. I did not really make eye contact with anyone and just read, but was aware of other family members grief. I still haven't cried properly and am still in the process of wishing that I could cry and wail like some people do. I did me on the day of her death, at her funeral and would suggest that you do you too, nobody has any business in telling you how your experience of grief should be. Please take very good care of yourself and I hope that your Dad has the most wonderful send off.

People don't look at you walking in, generally eyes are down. I didn't look at anyone at all in the cremation other than my DH and a few whispered 'what happens next's to my teens. I didn't even look at the coffin/flowers. I've been to a lot of funerals - it's what we do culturally -so was very familiar with the service etc, I think that helped. Actual event was not as bad as I had anticipated, but subsequent funerals have been worse - swerving hospitality for a while.

@Mostlydrinkstea thank you for your post and to all of the other people who have posted here too. I lost my partner to a sudden heart attack last week and have only started to fall apart in the last day or two. Your advice makes so much sense and I'm hoping it will help me get through the day of the funeral. I suffer from panic attacks and I'm dreading that day the most, in case I lose it and can't see it through and run out or something crazy. I plan to go to the crematorium a day or two before and also to the undertaker to see his coffin, so that the day of the funeral won't be the first time I see him. Take care all and hold your loved ones close. Thank you again x

I am sorry for your loss.
It’s my Mums funeral next Monday and I’m delivering the Eulogy.
I might be ok or I might not do we have a back up plan if I falter too much and I am practicing it and listening to the music like you hoping that helps.
I am hoping that imaging my very no nonsense mum saying “right, enough of that, pull yourself together now” might help 😀

Have you written or read through the eulogy? At DM's funeral, it would have had me in pieces had I not read it over a few times beforehand. It helped me to know what was going to be said. Good luck.

Perhaps ask your GP for a valium tablet to help you through it. Took the edge off for me.

I'm so sorry for your sad loss. I've just attended my best friend's funeral and found it hard when she arrived in the hearse. Will be thinking of you at this difficult time. X

The only way I stayed functional through my mum's funeral was by visiting the chapel of rest a couple of times, including saying the big goodbye the evening before and by reading the service drafts a few times so I knew what would be said and listening to the chosen music. The first draft of the service that got emailed to me I had to read in blocks as it made me cry so much.

On the day, I did shed tears but I was holding the funeral as much for other family members as for me and I was able to hold myself together for the larger party. In private though I have been a complete mess since the funeral.

Hi all. I’ve joined tonight. My lovely mum died at 5.30 am on Monday morning (after Mother’s Day) after being admitted to hospital on Friday with sepsis. I’m reeling. She was 73 so slowing down but otherwise sharp as a pin. I’m 35 with two boys, 4 and 7 who she idolised. I cannot get my head around what has happened. I miss her so much that it is a physical pain. I’ve taken on all the arrangements because it keeps me busy but Saturday without school routine has hit me like a brick. I’ve resorted to wine but I don’t want to go down that road long term. Please can someone tell me that it gets easier. I know it won’t get better but any coping strategies would be very much appreciated. Thank you

Hi Strugglingwithoutmum

sorry for your loss

my father died very recently and the funeral is soon, & I’m reading through my eulogy.

Enjoy your wine tonight, raise a glass to her, and monday morning I’d suggest speaking to your GP about either sleeping pills or something else to get you through this first bit.

Do you have friends you can call tomorrow if you need them?

I probably am dealing with it in all the wrong ways. But when it all gets too much, I go for a drive, music on loud, find a quiet place and sit, usually sobbing. Then get up and drive home. I feel better afterwards.

Thank you for replying. I do have friends- even more than I thought as everyone has rallied around. And my husband and in laws have all been wonderful. I’m so lucky in so many ways. But my mum is still dead and that is awful. I’m so sorry for all the other people in my situation. What a horrible club to become a member of. Sending love to you all.

Back at you ❤️

Very glad to hear your friends and family are there for you

it must have been a horrible shock to be so fast, and she was relatively young.

Dad took his time and dementia took much of him first, so I’ve been grieving a long time before he passed.

Do you have faith? I’m not certain, but feel that we are all eternal, in one way or another. Only one chapter has closed, another will open, at some point.