How to keep it together at the funeral

[tootrueblue]

My lovely Dad died last week, we knew it was coming. The funeral is next week and I'm struggling with the thought of all the ceremony around it - the coffin being walked in, everyone looking at us, hearing people's kind words about him.

How did you get through it? I've listened to the music a few times to try and desensitise and I'm quite a pragmatic person normally. Im also quite a private person in terms of crying and if I can help it, I don't want to do it in front of everyone.

I really focused on keeping my breathing regular at DH's. It didn't stop my tears completely but it did mean I only broke down once. A virtual handhold to you, it is such a tough thing to do.

There’s no lying a funeral for a loved parent is horrendous and you just have to try and do your best. I hardy remember my parents funerals due to crying virtually all the way through. I just followed my family into the crematorium, looking downwards so as not to look at anyone. I didn’t want to speak to anyone after and they understood. One of my Sons stayed at my side throughout. I broke down in the shower on the morning of my Mum’s funeral, I actually wailed my head off and actually felt better after, as I didn’t think I could cope. Sorry for your loss and hope you get through the day.

You don’t?
there’s a time and place for putting on a face, funeral of a parent isn’t one.
be emotional, think of the memories, ‘enjoy’ the release of the emotion.
get it out of you, and as it where leave the grief there, think only of the good memories from then on.

I took half a Xanax to take the edge off.
Tested in advance so I knew it took about 20 minutes to kick in.

You really don't have to keep it together IMO, especially if it's a parent. Everyone will cry, or most people will. It's ok to cry. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process imo. I'm sorry for your loss, it's not easy even if you expected it, it's still your dad.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

You don't need to keep it together. I sort of managed it with my Mum because my Dad was so distressed so I held it together for him but looking back there is no need. My younger brother's funeral was very very difficult and I cried and cried and it was OK. His was a tragic loss and I found it extremely difficult.

My best advice is take far more tissues than you think you'll need and a kit to touch up your make up if you wear it. I also wore sunglasses because it was a beautiful sunny day. I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you can give your Dad a beautiful farewell

You may find that the ceremony and formality actually helps. As pp said, regulating your breathing. But - mourn your DDad however you feel best - if you cry, that's because you love him, and that's OK.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I understand what you mean about it not being the place for it. I’m also private and have never cried in public as an adult. I’ve never cried at a funeral because I need to be in charge and in control of the processes, making sure everyone is where they should be and OK, seeing to the kids and elderly or infirm people, keeping everyone moving into the seats or the cars etc. There is too much to do with the event for me to collapse/be out of action.

And like a PP said, just breathing through the quiet parts.

If I might kindly suggest, if you do feel the need to be controlled/subdued at the public event, do build in a point of release in the near future. Do it however you’d like - sit down with a giant stack of photos and arrange them in an album, watch or listen to something you previously enjoyed together, hike up a mountain and scream at the sky. However you like. But do build in a release of the pent up emotions if you can’t release them in a public way. It’s OK to be private.

What a very sad and terribly British view of what funerals are for.
OP, have you ever seen a middle eastern funeral, with everyone wailing and tearing their hair? The main point of the funeral is to be a focal point for the release of grief - when people are numb with the pain of bereavement, they need something visceral
and emotional to get it out of them and start them on the road to accepting the death and being able to heal.
It is not just acceptable to cry at a loved one’s funeral, it is healthy, natural and therapeutic. Blocked grief can cause emotional pain for years.
I hope you do let yourself cry at your dad’s funeral, and benefit not only from the release, but from the comfort and support you will be given by the minister and congregation.
Your dad is safe in the loving arms of God, but you need love and support to express your grief and eventually reach a place where you can remember him with smiles instead of tears.

So sorry, this was me last year.

I took lots of tissues, wore sunglasses for the drive and afterwards to feel like I had a safely net.

It's tough and nobody will judge you for crying.

It is really unhelpful to tell someone they are dealing with loss wrong. If it upsets you to think you might break down, that is totally valid.

I would agree with the advice to concentrate on the formality of the service. Don't make eye contact with friends and family and keep yourself to yourself. Do what you have to do to pay your respects and support your family, but don't feel you have to be there for the whole thing if you think it might be too much for you.

You have my sympathy.

My nan always used to keep a packet of polos in her handbag for situations like this. At my mum's funeral I had some extra strong mints - it worked.

I like to grieve in my own way. I understand. xxx

I’m very private with crying too. At my mums I actually found I’d been sad for so long during the run up to her death that I was actually able to support others who hadn’t had the benefit of getting used to the idea of her being gone. Thinking of you and very sorry for your loss.

I found that at my mum's funeral I didn't cry at all as I was so overcome by how many people were there and I had this bizarre sense of wanting my mum to be proud of me. It sounds ridiculous now but I thought I'd be in bits and I wasn't. In contrast I've wept at other people's funerals but at my mums I held it together and wept later.

There really isn't a right or wrong. I hope it goes well.

I was on automatic pilot at my dad's funeral, I didn't cry or feel anything, it felt like one moment we were walking in to the crematorium & the next my mum, ds, my brother, his kids & I were all stood next to my dad's coffin all putting a hand on it to say goodbye after everyone else walked out. You do whatever you have to do to get through it, have a brandy or something before or take medication to calm you down. When I got home I tried to remember what had happened but it was like a lot of the memories had gone.

I did my grieving about a week after my Mum died. On the day she died and at the funeral, my entire being was on my adult daughter, younger sister, Neice and Nephew.

My lovely Brother in law was wonderful. He saw that I was centering on others and encouraged me to let me grieve. It happened about a week later. I didn't think I had so many tears in me.

But, I kept things together. My sister did too. And she experienced similar.

you'll get through it. And if you do break down, so what? It will not matter.

I just cried all the way through my mum's at the crem then all the way through the church service too. Felt bad as I set my sister off too. But I actually felt better after and was able to chat to everyone at the pub. I surprised myself as had already cried so much in the last two weeks of her life. You just need to let it out sometimes. I hate crying in public too but this is not a typical situation.

I am sorry for your loss. I went to a friend's father's funeral yesterday. He did a lovely speech about his Dad and sadi he treated it like taking a penalty kick - head down, deep breath and just get on it without over thinking.

Don't even try to keep it together, you don't need to

I had similar thoughts before my dad’s funeral. My absolutely bizarre strategy was to wear a lot of eye make up with non- waterproof mascara so that I couldn’t cry. It worked anyway, I didn’t cry and that was right for me and how I wanted to grieve. Hope you get through the funeral ok and wishing you and your family well x

It's OK to cry and breakdown.
It's OK to remember the memories and grieve.
Focus on yourself.
Please take it as it comes.
Don't try to second guess or think about other people. They don't matter anyway.

Ask anyone you feel really comfortable with, whether friends or family, to stand near/with you during the funeral and burial. They will give you emotional strength and if you need anything from them, they will be close by to do whatever it is you need.

Sending you love xxx

I lost my dad earlier this year and I won’t lie, the funeral was extremely hard.

I did cry. The hymns and eulogy were ok. I felt proud of him hearing everything that he’d done during his life. Then we had a period of reflection during the service with some of dad’s favourite music and that was when I broke down.

it was ok. I didn’t wear makeup (I don’t wear much anyway) so I wasn’t worried about that, I just went with the flow. A confused mixture of emotions.

sending love, it really is shit xx

You don't have to.
This is precisely what a funeral is for - to take time out to really grieve. Nobody would turn a hair at the deceased son or daughter being upset.

Dear tootrueblue,

I get it and my heart goes out to you. I felt the same way about a parent's funeral recently. I had three stages (ordeals!) to deal with on the day: the requiem mass, the committal at the cemetery and the reception afterwards. What worked for me was to prepare myself as much as possible for each stage so there were no shocks/surprises. This is what I did:

• I visited the church a few times in advance of the funeral. I walked around it, sat in it and basically befriended the space so that it wasn't a scary, unfamiliar place on the day.
• I arranged the funeral service including the readings and writing the eulogy. I found this extremely helpful. If you're not doing that, I would still recommend seeing and speaking to the celebrant in advance and have them talk you through the service so you know exactly what to expect.
• I refused to do a reading at the service as I didn't want to put myself under any kind of pressure.
• I visited the cemetery in advance and this was something I am so glad I did. It helped me so much. During that first visit when I walked through the gates, I felt a body blow of grief. I dealt with it and was composed the second time I went – the day of the funeral – because I knew what to expect.
• You guessed it: I visited the reception venue, did a reccie of the rooms I'd hired, spoke to the manager and we talked through the 'event' so that again I knew what to expect, from where the teas and coffees would be served on arrival to how/when we would wind up the afternoon.
• I spoke to the funeral directors and told them I wanted to see the (closed) coffin in advance of the funeral service. My logic was that the sight of it would then be less of a shock on the day. They had no problem with this and again it helped me a lot.

On the morning itself I had a cup of coffee and then caught the bus to the church. The choice of public transport was considered outrageous by some but it worked for me and I was so glad I did what my instinct suggested. It was a bit of normality at the start of what otherwise can feel like an abnormal day. The posh car hired from the funeral directors was used to ferry me and others from the church to the cemetery and then the cemetery to the reception venue. I really didn't want it at the outset of the day. I got the bus home at the end of the day, again for a bit of normality.

At the funeral itself I sat in the front row and focused hard on the celebrant. I wore a hat with a veil that covered my eyes a bit and wore my hair down so I felt less exposed.

Like you, I listened to the music in advance and dealt with the emotions that arose in my own way, in the privacy of my own home. (Also, I spoke to relatives on the phone in advance so I wasn't on the receiving end of all of their emotions on the day.)

All of the prep really helped me and I hope you find what helps you. As some have rightly said here, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Trust your own judgement. Ignore the judgement of others. This is your grief, your loss. Do what works for you.

One last bit of advice: at this time, lean on the people who are 'for' you, the type of people who ask 'what do you most need?' and 'how can I make this time easier for you?'

On that note, I like the responses for you here from bloodywhitecat, mouthfulofquiz, functioningadult, and especially the opening line from hugoagogo - Amen.

Sending you a warm hug.
xx