I'm OK without my husband, but my DC's father...

[Littledisasters]

I can't say it in real life, but 18 months since DH's death I feel like I'm doing OK for me. I loved him, but we never lived in each other's pockets and I have a full life without him. On a day to day basis life's not so bad.

However, DC were just turned 20 and 18 (coming out of lockdown when they'd been at home 24/7 so they seed to both become adults overnight) when he died and I am finding being their only parent as they face the challenges of early adulthood incredibly difficult.

Moving DS2 to uni by myself - not so much the practicalities, but taking him there and coming home to an empty house, worrying about him while he's away. DS1 having problems at work. First serious GF and seeing myself turn into a needy "MIL" from hell, even though I can see it and really try not to

DH and I looked forward to this time of new independence without DC, but God it's hard doing it on your own, but more than that, is the feeling of being the only person they have to turn to for their proper grown up problems.

I feel guilty for not missing him more as a husband and inadequate for needing him so much for DC. Looking at the future it's all him being missing at their milestones (graduation, wedding, grandchildren) that break me rather than his absence from my life iyswim.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Grief's a bit weird. Don't feel guilty that you are not missing him as much for his own sake but for support in parenting.

We all need a wall to our back or a rock to stand on in choppy waters. You're realising your loss in having to live through these life events without him and not having the support you think you'd have.

Don't feel guilty. Maybe try to find alternative support from others for the practical stuff? And look after yourself otherwise xx

Sorry that you are going through this. As PP said grief is weird. Maybe it's because you know that you could go out and find another husband if you wanted to whereas your DC can't go and find a other father, your DH's family can't go and find another son, brother etc so it is different in that sense.

I don't think that you need to feel guilty though.

Well in one way you are really missing him as a husband as that what husbands do..stand beside you as you both support your dcs going forward in their lives. It's really tough for you missing him in that role so go easy on yourself. My friend had 2 boys 14 and 17 when her dh died and she was really struggling with that whole aspect of him not being there. The two boys are fabulous men now and she is the doting grandma while..like you..enjoying all her own interests and friendships too. That is so important for your dc as well as for you as they will feel freer to move on with their own lives knowing you have a busy life yourself.

But it's very normal that you would get overwhelmed at times at carrying the full responsibility..take care of yourself.