Am I Crazy?

[Survivingjust]

Hey lovely people, i lost my amazing mum suddenly last christmas. She was only 67. She raised us on her own, survived being married to a hideous violent bully that was my father, she worked three jobs to pay for my education and she was just my best friend. It has been the hardest year of my life. I am so angry and hurt and sad and demented and a million other things i won’t bore you with… i thought i knew what heartbreak was. Reality was, I didn’t have the first clue. As my mums anniversary is approaching I feel the rawness of the grief i had in the very first days come back again. I am pushing my friends away, i either snap or am reclusive. I am having counselling and they all say the same things. Its just the grief, but i feel like they are making excuses for my being hideous. I am mortified, it is out of character, before I lost mum I was so happy go lucky and full of life. I don’t even recognise myself these days and after today’s mammoth sobbing session i look like a swollen eyed version of Rudolph. It isn’t my finest look believe me. My DH is a saint that puts up with me and wipes away my tears and everyone means so well but i am a 40 year old woman who is consumed by grief almost a year later and sobbing like a child for my mum… will this get better? Or am I destined to be crazy forever?

Thank you. 😔. That gives me hope and hope is what i badly need

The more you post, the more I am convinced we are the same person.

I remember, vividly, the moment I realised that my mum would die at some point. I was maybe about 7. I remember holding onto her so right. She told me that when she did die she would always be with me. Always stood at my right shoulder. But it felt like I had my stomach ripped out and like I was frozen by the realisation it would happen.

Even the sunday before she mentioned something about dying and I said ‘don’t be daft you have a lot of time left’. It was as though she knew. Even though there was no reason for her to think it.

Well done on your business. I am sure she would be very proud of you. And it is a good distraction. I think sometimes you need to sit and feel your feelings, sometimes you need to distract yourself with something else. And that can change hour to hour and day to day.

I think you are right. It’s the realisation that the one person who loved is no matter what, is gone. I also get what you say about needing the counselling now. I barely took bereavement leave. Working gave me a sense of having some control. I wfh, so I could do it when I wanted to. But I could do with bereavement leave now.

I am sorry for your loss and that you are struggling too. Good luck with the works event. I hope it goes as ok as it can.

Thank you. I am. It is good to realise we aren’t in this alone. Grief can be very lonely 💗

OP, your pain is radiating from your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will make it better but hopefully my husband's story will give you some hope.

When I met my husband he was 2 years on from losing his mum very suddenly, and he was only just beginning to process his grief. He'd buried his pain for a lot of that time to care for his younger sibling and allow her to grieve safely with his support. So when I found him, he was only just beginning to feel his own loss. He couldn't watch certain films, couldn't talk about his mum, couldn't have pictures up of her, and it would hit him at all times of the day or night. Holidays and birthdays were the worst, but it was there all the time for him. And he was in so much pain. All I could do was hang on to him through it and care for him as much as I could, as I'm sure your DH is doing. I did it lovingly and willingly, even when his grief made him pretty awful, because I knew it was coming from a place of pain and deep vulnerabilty. It wasn't him, it really was the grief, and like you, he was mortified if he thought he'd hurt my feelings when he was struggling to cope. He never did though, I understood.

Gradually, and without really noticing, he became more able to bear it. We're 7 years on from than now. He can now talk about his mum, and we have pictures up of her. He tells our children about her, and can talk about her in a warm positive way, remembering the beautiful talented wonderful person she was and the happy memories, not just the pain and loss he feels from her not being here. The grief still sneaks up on him occasionally, sometimes with warning, like christmas and birthdays, sometimes without any warning. One of the kids might do or say something, and he will want to share it with his mum, and he can't. It doesn't go away for him. But he copes better with it now.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, let the people who love you care for you and support you. Don't expect grief to be a linear thing, from what I've seen with my husband, it can go up and down, back and forward. And the hurt doesn't go away. But in time, and with love and support, you will hopefully be able to manage it better.

Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for this beautiful message. You sound like an amazing partner to your husband. My DH tries so hard to understand. It is difficult because he still has both his parents and they are much older than my mum was. It gives me comfort to know that other people have endured this and come out the other side. I just want to cry all the time. Either that or I am lashing out. In my heart and my head I have been to some pretty dark places over the last year. I haven’t been easy and i am so sorry for inflicting my absolute devastation on the people that love me. Coming here and sharing and having feedback from people who have gone before me on this journey or who are at the very beginning gives me hope that the ache will lessen and in time i will remember how to smile. My mum would not be impressed with me at all. She would absolutely want me to be happy. One day at a time… i guess xo

I lost my lovely mum two months ago it was expected but she was end of life for a week and it was the saddest thing I've ever had to do, watch my mum fade before my eyes. I also lost my lovely sister 6 years ago way before her time and it's still so hard.

I put all my effort into making mums funeral the best it could be, beautiful flowers, music and I wrote the eulogy for her.

Mums are so special, the constant unconditional love they give, me and mum spoke at least once a day before she got poorly. She was my rock, my best friend,my everything.

Oh my darling @Survivingjust, why are you cross that you got to be a child until you were 50? What a gift you had, what a wonderful mother that cherished and protected you and allowed you to keep a corner of yourself as a safe, nurtured, loved and protected child for 50 years! Please don't be angry about that be happy, because even though the pain is unimaginable right now, she obviously loved you so much. What a beautiful thing to have had and how perfect that you can recognise it in yourself.

One thing I will say 18 months on from my own wee mum dying is that anniversaries and significant times are an absolute bitch. You can be doing OK then you start to feel like you're suffocating and - oh! It's her birthday in a couple of weeks, or the anniversary, or it's coming up to Christmas and we would normally be doing x, y and z. It's excruciating. There will be whole months when you feel like you can't breathe, that's OK. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all you can do.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

I've just re-read and saw 50 weeks, which I read as 50 years sorry if I've aged you! But my point stands even more so, you're coming up to the first anniversary - I found that the hardest time so far. Plus it's at Christmas when everything is about family. It's going to be a tough one for you lovie, but it's OK. You will be OK.

Oh lovely, you sound so much like me. My mum was the centre of my world. I did everything with her. Mum’s just know how to make everything better. My heart absolutely breaks for you, two months is no time at all.

I think for me because mum passed so quickly I didn’t have to watch her decline. I think that must be the hardest thing ever. My Mum was in hospital a few hours to get intravenous antibiotics for a chest infection and was due home the next day, twenty minutes after I spoke to her that morning she took really sick and they called us to the hospital. They told me she was critical but i just couldn’t take it in, she had been chatting to me TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER and she was in great form and reminding me what she still needed me to get for Christmas lunch.

After the doctor told me the next hour would be critical and they were literally taking it minute by minute but it was as bad as it could get. I sat in the corridor for four hours and the nurses kept coming out to update me and the news wasn’t getting any better. They all said the same thing, prepare myself for the worst. I was shell shocked, couldn’t take it in, i just cried.

I was called in to see the, Dr he said to me. I can’t believe i am telling you this but she is sitting up and asking for her dinner. She has came around remarkably. He was shocked. I even got to chat to her and told her how much i loved her. She was chatting away They sent me home at 7pm. She was asleep, stable and doing great, two hours later i went back, this time I couldn’t go in the room with her but i could speak to her on the phone and could see her through the window. That call lasted one minute exactly. She said “i love you my baby girl, look after my boys” she waved her wee hand and did the heart sign with her hands and the virtual hug but i could see a big tear run down her wee face. They told me everything was normal and to content myself. I was exhausted. Three hours later the phone rang and I had to get there. She was really ill and agitated. They wanted me to calm her. I just got to her and held her wee hand in mine. She squeezed it and just slipped away and took my heart with her. I know now she was telling me goodbye and I feel so blessed and loved that she did but at the same time it hurts like hell.

Like you i threw myself in to making everything perfect. I had a choir, a man playing bag pipes. Flowers everywhere. A beautiful wake. Everything i could do to distract myself and pour all my grief and love into doing something just for her. I brought her home and sat with her until she was taking her final journey. I am Irish so we do that. Although the funeral home did think i was a bit nuts as it is not what they are used to. It is just what we do.

Approaching my first Christmas since losing my beautiful mum earlier this year and it's just so very very hard. Trying to be happy for my children but I wish I could just ignore the whole thing. I miss her more with each month that passes, and nine months in, I don't think people expect you to still feel this raw.

One thing I'm beginning to realise though is how lucky I am. I had love that was unconditional and unlimited, and I never doubted that. That isn't a given, and I know that the pain I feel directly reflects the love that I had. I know that makes me lucky. So I'll take it.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year. Now I can’t stop the tears. In 40 years i have never had a Christmas mum didn’t plan. I am having to paint a smile on when inside i want to scream. I completely understand how wretched this really is. What i have taken away from this thread is this, that although i feel so alone. Like I am the only one going through this, i am not. It comes to everyone and it destroys our sense of core and belonging. It is tough to live without the unconditional love only a mum can give. I just hope that some day our peace of mind comes back 💗

@EATmum you are spot on, when people ask me now how i am and now and again i burst into tears at some random time they look at me with an expression that reads “What!!! You’re not over that by now? Mixed with an uncomfortable horror because bless them they don’t know what to say. I get that… i really do. If you haven’t been through it, how could you understand. Each month that passes is closer to the next anniversary or the next special occasion without her and each one hurts equally as bad if not more so than the one before. I think when you have a mum that has showered you with unconditional love it is difficult to imagine that everyone doesn’t have one of those but you are absolutely correctly. Not everyone does have one and again you are right, the deeper the love the deeper the hurt. I rationalise I must have loved her a huge amount because my heart is shattered. Lets hope in time this becomes a little more bearable for both of us

Oh @Survivingjust your pain is screaming out from your posts and unfortunately, I know exactly how you're feeling because this was me 17 years ago when I lost my mum. My absolute best friend.

I had a newborn and a 5 year old and I've never felt pain like it. I honestly don't know how I got through each day but I did and you will too. But it's bloody hard.

The thing that I realised was that everybody deals with grief differently and there is absolutely no right or wrong to it.
My dad died last year and whilst I am terribly upset, I've dealt with it differently to my mum.
So people's experiences of grief can vary hugely.

I still cry now (crying as I type this in fact) because I miss her so terribly and I miss the fact that she couldn't see my children grow up (if that makes sense?) but I can also smile and I talk about her to my children. I have loads of photos up and talk to her daily!!! And moan to her!

I personally love it when she's in my dreams (and my dad too) because it feels like she's still close by and that brings me comfort.

Just go easy on yourself and let your grief journey take you wherever it needs to. Don't fight it. Take care

It is so hard OP. I lost my beautiful dad last year, suddenly. He was my best friend and cheerleader. It will be two years in January and as Christmas approaches I feel the anxiety bubbling and feeling of dread. I feel like people think I should be ok but every day I think of him and replay that day, our last conversations. The plans we had.
I feel like my life is split into before I lost him, and after. Life is different for me now. It has punctuated my life, I look at pictures and always think - oh yes that was before - when I was happy.
It is still early days for you and everyone is different. Take care of yourself and feel how you feel. I have pushed down a lot of my grief I think so that I can cope with life. Maybe everyone does that to an extent?

@rainbowstardrops I understand exactly what you mean about grieving differently. I lost my dad two Christmases ago. He wasn’t in my life. He left when i was little. I broke my heart over him for four months after his death but then gradually it just stopped. Ironically my mums funeral was two days before his first anniversary (i know, i know. There are people on Eastenders with less dramatic lives than mine🙈)

Losing my mum was on a different level I can’t explain. Maybe because she was my constant or maybe because i am just mourning the loss of the most amazing little woman i have ever known and i know the world is a poorer place for her loss. It just is different. I am so sorry i have made you cry. I totally relate, I had a nephew turn 18 a few week ago and i thought “mum would be so sad she missed this” i have pictures everywhere, some days they make me sad to look at them and other times I laugh at the antics of her in them. My mum was a tiny little powerhouse of absolute devilment and fun. I miss her laugh the most xxx

@Simpledimples I am so sorry you have lost your precious daddy, i lost mine around the same time. I wish he had been the type of daddy you had, yours sounds like he was fabulous.

I agree with you with regards to peoples expectations. My standard phrase now when anyone asks how i am is “i am fine, thank you”
I feel like screaming. No i am not fine my world has ended but i dont. I just smile as best i can. You are totally right. We absolutely push the grief down just to get through the day. Sleep is a killer for me. I once had a good 8 hours every night. Now i am lucky if it is four. Thank you so much for your lovely kind message. I appreciate it so much more than you know xxx

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard thank you so so much for your beautiful post. I cannot believe the absolute outpouring of love, kindness and understanding and wish i could take you all out for dinner to thank yous personally. For the first time in 11 months. I don’t feel alone or a burden. You are spot on. Sometimes it does feel like i am suffocating. Many times i have said to my DH “i wish i could go with mum” not because i want my life to be over but because in all the years i have been alive we did everything together and i stupidly and rather irrationally feel guilty that she had to do this alone… does that make sense? She used to tell the world i was the thing she was most proud of, that she made me strong. I feel like i am letting her down because i am a semi functioning wreck who cries ten times a day. Not strong at all xxx

I find it hard to discuss in real life. Even with my siblings who are as bereft as me as I don't want to upset them.
My dad was everything to me, it's the biggest loss and the circumstances were that I couldn't be there to hold his hand and couldn't be at his funeral. Just so much about the process that was not normal.
We had so many plans.
Some days he would call me and say 'just wanted to hear your voice'. I have to say I feel lucky that I know how much he loved me, some people don't have that, but it's such a big love to lose.
Hope you can find comfort in the love that you have

OP your writing is so beautiful and so evocative. Your love for your mum shines out of every line.

I don't have any comfort for you other than to reassure you as everyone else has done that you are not crazy.

It has been 10 years since my lovely dad died and this year for the first time I haven't relieved his last weeks day by day although I did have a weep with my daughter on the anniversary of the day he died. I tend to think of the period between him becoming ill and dying as something I have to get through - it is unpleasant, can be painful, and it's inevitable.

I put my metaphoric armour on - I try to plan ahead and find a couple of things to look forward to in the first few weeks of November. I make space to think about him, play his favourite music, experience the pain of being without him. Some days it is easier than others. I have a very good friend whose on father died two years and two days after mine and so we celebrate "Fathers Day" together every year around the same date. This year we went to Costa and sat in the corner out of the way from everyone else and toasted "the world's best dads" with hot chocolate and cake and tears running down our faces.

I can just repeat: You are not crazy. The pain may never lessen but the waves of grief will hit less often.

I don't know if this will actually help or not but, the first anniversary was the worst time in all of it, and that's exactly where you are, and also it's Christmas and she's not here. It's brutal. But it will pass. I honestly think the first year is just about surviving, the second year is when the healing starts.

All you can do is keep going and trust in yourself and her. Trust that she made you able to cope, eventually.

She didn't do it alone by the way, you were with her every step of the way.

God, such love us humans can hold. But there's no love without pain, not really.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you so so much for this beautiful reply. I agree with you, for this being such a sad subject, the sense of warmth, compassion and togetherness just really lifts the soul. I didn’t know people could be this understanding and kind.

it is funny how you talk about the armour. That is what i call getting dressed half decently and finding my makeup bag before i face the world. It really does help. It makes me feel like i can hide away the pain under half a tonne of makeup and paint on my smile and get on with putting one foot past the other to get through the day.
Thank you so much for sharing how you cope without your daddy. I am glad my love for my mum shines through. I have been a mummy’s girl from the day I was born. I remember having to write a poem at primary school about your hero. My hero has always been my mum. It went…
“My hero in world you see, is my mummy because i need her and she loves me. She gives the best snuggles and cuddles, she doesn’t even scold too bad when i get myself into trouble. She wipes my tears, she watches me play, she tucks me into bed and keeps the monsters away.”
I was nine 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I don’t think Yeats, Wordsworth or Frost would be quaking in their boots, but the sentiment was pretty spot on. I can’t believe after all this time I remember it. At least something has gave me a giggle today.
When I ask my DH if I am crazy. He just smiles and says “darling, you are a little emotionally interesting at the moment” 😂😂😂 Diplomatic to the end…