Am I Crazy?

[Survivingjust]

Hey lovely people, i lost my amazing mum suddenly last christmas. She was only 67. She raised us on her own, survived being married to a hideous violent bully that was my father, she worked three jobs to pay for my education and she was just my best friend. It has been the hardest year of my life. I am so angry and hurt and sad and demented and a million other things i won’t bore you with… i thought i knew what heartbreak was. Reality was, I didn’t have the first clue. As my mums anniversary is approaching I feel the rawness of the grief i had in the very first days come back again. I am pushing my friends away, i either snap or am reclusive. I am having counselling and they all say the same things. Its just the grief, but i feel like they are making excuses for my being hideous. I am mortified, it is out of character, before I lost mum I was so happy go lucky and full of life. I don’t even recognise myself these days and after today’s mammoth sobbing session i look like a swollen eyed version of Rudolph. It isn’t my finest look believe me. My DH is a saint that puts up with me and wipes away my tears and everyone means so well but i am a 40 year old woman who is consumed by grief almost a year later and sobbing like a child for my mum… will this get better? Or am I destined to be crazy forever?

💐 OP I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, I lost a parent 5 years ago and had a day similar to you only last week. It is going to take time and you will go two steps forward three steps back. There's no time limit on grief, you will have good and bad days but it will get easier as time goes on.
Try to remember the good times you shared and the moments you shared that make you smile.
It is grief, but everyone handles it in their own way and it doesn't matter how long you take. It is bound to be an emotional time if it's coming up to the anniversary of your DMs death.
But just think, that your DM wouldn't want you to go through this pain and she'd want you to be happy OP.
Bless your husband for being such a saint, I do hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Agree with pp. It’s very early days, I went through similar and occasionally still do. Anger, sadness, guilt. I know it’s a cliche but time can be a great healer. You’ll always love and miss your mum, 💐it’s still raw. Keep up with the counselling, do you take any medication… perhaps see your G.P.

Op, I am a 6o + woman who's darling mum dies earlier this year. I was consumed so much with grief that I lost the ability to speak.
One minute I would be sat drinking tea, and the next would be in bed howling that I want my mum. I couldn't work, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything.

10 months later, I'm just about back working, can hold conversations, don't cry (as much) but I have images of my mum on constant fast -forward in my head, all day.

So to answer your question, you are not crazy, but you are crazed with grief. For me personally, I can't use the phrase 'gets better' , but it has 'got easier' in that waking up on a morning doesn't have me dreading getting out of bed. I can function almost normally, but I have my darling mum 'wrapped in a duvet to carry with me at all times' within my thoughts, which helps.

You are so right to say that you didn't know what heartbreak was until you experienced it, I was totally shocked to my very core, and will never get over losing her, but am leaning to deal with life without her.

I would say that regardless of what well meaning phases your family and friends come out with, deal with this your way. If you need to cry, then do so for if they're embarrassed then it's on them.
You're not hideous, again it's the grief. I didn't fight mine, and so thought I'd never do any of the things I love ever again. But slowly, and sometimes without realising, I have.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. One day you will be able to smile again....when you're ready.

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing my mum has shocked me to my very core. She’s mum and mums are invisible right? She was my constant. No matter what. No one loves you like your mum and suddenly she was just ripped from me or at least that is how it feels. It consumes me. I know this sounds awful but i lost my father the Christmas before (he wasn’t in my life) and while i did grieve for him, after a few months it got less but mum… it is on a whole other level. You are totally right, I am crazed with grief. She is in my thoughts constantly, sleep is difficult but when it does happen i dream about her. I feel for the first time that now I have to be a grown up and suddenly the world seems a scary place without my security blanket that was mum.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this really kind message. I so appreciate it. Thank you so much for saying its early days. I feel like i should be further along in dealing with this than i am or maybe that is how other people are making me feel. I try not to talk about it because I don’t want anyone to be fed up listening to me 🙈

I am so sorry for your loss .. I can feel the pain in your posts and can empathise as we have also just had a bereavement . I finding a lot of comfort, wisdom and learning in the words and advice of Julia Samuel

• she has books, podcasts, insta posts .. she's amazing .. even just watching her YouTube interviews helps so much .. she's amazing ..

Hope it helps to listen or read her advice xx

Thank you so much for this. I don’t feel as bad when other people reassure me this is “normal”. My friends haven’t lost anyone and they mean so well but they have no concept that this has changed the person i am forever. I will always have a piece of my heart missing. My mum would not be pleased with how i am feeling. She was a great believer in being allowed to miss her but you have to let go. That was her philosophy in life. I struggle to do that. Thankfully DH has the patience of a saint. He just comforts and reassures as best he can and i am so thankful for that

Me too. Can't get over it. Three months in I'm as crazy as anything. Crying, angry, being mental at people. I found out some one had been ripping her off so there wasn't money to bring her back closer to me and I have been consumed with rage at this person to the point I lie awake at night plotting revenge. I have gone through extreme loss and abuse in my life and I have never known grief like it. She was very abusive to me, but I can't bear her not being here. I think we have to let the crazy in. I'm so so sorry for your pain. 💔

Sweetheart, big hugs from me. I lost my mum two Christmasses ago and she was a similar age. It is pants. Utter pants.
Yes, it does get a bit better. You are not going to stop wanting her and missing her, and those tears come at all sorts of unexpected times.
However, you are not going to let this define you in a bad way, you are going to be the woman your mum wanted to be, with that strength and love.
I believe we all meet again one day- she'll be there with a big hug saying' that's my girl. Look how well you did'
You got this, chin up poppet x

I lost my sister this year, she does suddenly and way before her time. We didn’t have the best relationship but I have sobbed for her like a baby over the last six months. I have had days where I have longed for her, and I just burst into tears at the slightest thing. There is nothing but time that will heal, you’ll never stop missing her you’ll just learn to live with her memory rather than her physical presence.

My sister is with me, in my heart and in my memories for ever more and those times we shared will never be lost. Please take comfort that you had an amazing bond and life together, cherish those times and celebrate her life rather than mourn her passing. I have found this makes things a little easier and when I feel I’m going to cry I think of something funny she said or did, and I find I can crack a smile and get on with my day as best I can.

@Survivingjust Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing my mum has shocked me to my very core. She’s mum and mums are invisible right? She was my constant. No matter what. No one loves you like your mum and suddenly she was just ripped from me or at least that is how it feels. It consumes me. I know this sounds awful but i lost my father the Christmas before (he wasn’t in my life) and while i did grieve for him, after a few months it got less but mum… it is on a whole other level. You are totally right, I am crazed with grief. She is in my thoughts constantly, sleep is difficult but when it does happen i dream about her. I feel for the first time that now I have to be a grown up and suddenly the world seems a scary place without my security blanket that was mum.

Yes you're right, mums are a constant, they're well, just THERE....and then they're not. I remember being driven home by my partner in the early hours of the morning, and holding a cushion to my face to keep the screams in, so that I didn't distract him from driving. The screams were a realisation of the horror that she wasn't breathing, smiling, being herself anymore, and never would again.
You're also right OP in that we have now become the Elders as it were. There's no one to run to when you graze the knee of life is there? YOU are the one who now sticks the plasters on, and it's a lonely place to be.
Quite a few years ago I lost my son, he was 15 then, and loved to ride pillion with me on my bike. The dreams I had then were a torment , but they have gradually faded. With my mum , my dreams about her are more gentle and also are fading. Maybe yours will too - if you want them to.
Allow yourself that grief. Let thoughts of her wander through your mind. If you can't sleep - like me - get up, make a brew, open the blinds/curtains/whatever and watch the night sky. I find it so calming.
If people can't cope with your grief, then it's on them, not you. We as a nation have been brought up on generations past of the old 'stiff upper lip', but thankfully this is now changing.
I've done things like plant flowers that represent mums name, and they've flowered from may through to a couple of weeks ago. Whenever I see them bobbing in the breeze, I know she's waving to me.

Small things, your way, one step at a time.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. Three months is no time at all. I wish i could tell you it gets easier. Some days it does but then occasions or it would seem anniversaries take you right back to day one. Someone sent me a card and it said “grief is just love with no place to go” so i figured i must be able to love a lot because i am hurting alot and in a strange way that give me comfort

Oh my goodness you sound just like my mum. That is exactly how she talked. So much warmth and compassion. There is something so wrong about losing someone you love at Christmas. I know that sounds ridiculous because it’s blooming awful at anytime but Christmas in my world is family and she was the heart of it. I believe i will see her again. She will be waiting for me. Probably to give me a right good telling off for being such a little madam at the minute. I can’t wait for that day. Does that sound bad?

My DH found me at 3am on top of the kitchen worktop cleaning the window a few nights ago. When I cant sleep i clean. Our house has never looked so good. Its the simple things i miss. Calling her on the drive home from work. Walking in her front door and calling out “mum” for her to reply “im in here darling”. Now there is just silence and it is deafening. I never realised how much of a child i still was, oh i had my own home, got married but i never cut the apron strings and i am glad I didn’t. I was still mums child. Being a grown up is no fun and i have only been one for 50 weeks 🙈

Thank you so much for your lovely meaage and great advice. I will absolutely go and look those up. At the moment i will try absolutely anything just to feel rationale. x

Oh my goodness you poor soul. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. My mum lost my sister at just five weeks old when i was little and she never fully recovered she said in time ahe just learned to live with it.

You are so right, we are supposed to just get on with it and utter the immortal words when anyone asks how we are “im fine” and the fake smile. When really you want to scream “no i am not fine. My world has ended and the rest if the world has the cheek to keep on living like nothing is wrong”. I think that is the part I struggle with so much. Life does go on and it should but my brain is neither rational or sane and I want everything to stop!! I planted roses in the summer for mum. She loved roses and it is December and they are still blooming… you are right, it is all those little personal things that we do to honour them as best we can.

oh my goodness, you poor thing. I don’t have a sister, sometimes i wish i did because i think that they would be on this journey with me and feel the pain too and they would understand. Men don’t. My brothers do try but men seem to process differently.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to share this with me. It means so much to me that I am not alone and my being crazy is “normal” at this time. You take good care. xo

I am so so sorry for your loss and your pain. I absolutely and totally understand your anger. I have felt it myself so many times over the last year. Anyone who hurt mum at all even over something small, i am ready for all out war. Again something that isn’t like me normally. I like a quiet life and hate conflict. I think the lashing out is part of it, even if it is just internally with your thoughts is normal. Whatever that means. I am sending you so much love and a big hug because this club we are all in, that no one wants to belong too and never asked to join, sucks!!!! xo

There is no substitute to parents in the world. You'll be better but it will take time, may be after many years. You have to take more care of yourself and your kids also. If you're not in a situation to handle all the matters, you have an option to hire a good caregiver or nanny for you home. So it will be much better.

I think part of what makes it feel very hard is that your peers have not necessarily lost parents yet, so it all feels unfair and too young to be dealing with it.
I'm 31 and my mum died suddenly last year. I feel her loss in everything, although I am functioning well and I work and socialise etc, but the experience of grieving my mum has very much changed who I am as a person.

Have you spoken to someone about your grief? I saw a grief counsellor for some time which I did find helpful. I also liked listening to the griefcast podcast as I felt connected to other people's stories.

@JasperJohnsPaintbrush that is one of the most beautiful and moving posts I have ever read on mn. I hope the OP gets some comfort from it. I certainly have

No you're not crazy at all. You are me ten years ago. All of it. Every single post and update. I still miss my mum every single day but I can bear it now and you will too. Lots of love

Thank you so much and sending a big mum replacement hug back. Xxxxxx

Hi Op. you are in such a similar position to me I had a minute where I thought I posted.

I am 40 (turned 40 after mum died)Todays is the first anniversary of mums death. She died aged 66, completely out of the blue.

I feel like I am broken. This year I realised that it’s not just an emotional loss. It’s physical one. She was always there. It’s like losing an arm. I look for her. I go to call her. Something has been taken from me that I will never get back.

I think I am actually in more pain now than I was when she died. I know people don’t understand it. Recently I have been told it’s not normal and I am weak for still being this upset after a year. Dad couldn’t be in the house as that’s where she died, so has gone away. He was with her when she collapsed. I get it. But I am alone.

Worst of all there’s a work event that as a director I have to attend tonight and I feel sick. I am so sick of saying ‘yeah I am fine. It is what it is’. I get irritable or weepy or clean or work 15 hours to distract myself.

Please be kind to yourself. It’s horrific. We all deal in different ways. You aren’t crazy and you are not alone. We are just in the stage where we are still trying to just learn to exist without them. It changes us.

Much love to you.

Oh my goodness. YOU ARE ME!!! Can i just give you a big hug and say. I am so so sorry for your loss and this hideous pain we are in. Today will be tough. I have 9 days until its my mums first anniversary and i totally agree. I am worse now than i was the day she passed. Is it because the shock has wore off and reality has finally hit, our mums are not coming back and it hurts like nothing i can explain.

I have a work thing tomorrow night and I can’t get out of it but would rather stick needles in my eyes. I have built a really nice wee business since mum passed along side everything else that i do because someone told me distraction works. So when I can’t sleep, like you its 15 hour days doing anything and everything just trying to make myself so exhausted my body gives up or I clean like something demented.

My greatest fear has always been to lose my mum. When I was a wee girl i used to make her promise she wouldn’t die and leave me. I know how crazy does that sound? Apart from my brothers. She was all i had. No extended family. It was just mum and us and she was my absolute safe place. She didn’t care if i gained three stone or looked like i had been in a fight with a bush and it had won. She loved me without all the things i think i need to make me acceptable and that has gone. I used to say when I was in my early 20’s and dating “men come and go, but my mummy loves me always”. I am the biggest mummies girl and proud of it.

I had some counselling at the beginning but I think it was too soon. I was still numb and some days I still am and was saying what i thought I should have. I think now I probably need it more than ever.