Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Taking my 10 month old to my nans funeral

18 replies

MammaBear12222 · 29/11/2022 23:09

My lovely nan sadly passed away 3 weeks ago and her funeral is in a few weeks time. I want to take my son with me but my partner strongly disagrees with me taking him. I know my nan would want him there plus also he would be a support for me and my other family members. My son is only 10 months old and the short time that my nan had spent with him, she doted on him as she did with all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. My partner has expressed that he doesn't want him to go because he will pick up on everyone's sadness however I have spoken to all of my family members and they have said that they all are okay with him being there. They all think that having him present will give so much support to my grandad, aunties and uncles who also adore him.

OP posts:
Spacebears · 29/11/2022 23:13

Take him. Make sure if he gets fussy you can take him outside straight away. Sorry for your loss Flowers

bluejelly · 29/11/2022 23:16

I took my daughter to my Nan's funeral. It felt like the right thing to do and she didn't fuss. Life and death are intertwined, not separate IMHO.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/11/2022 23:16

Take him,he'll be a ray of light on a dark day. Sorry for your loss x

Ontheedge2 · 29/11/2022 23:18

I can see your DPs point tbh. And a crying baby during a ceremony can be stressful to juggle when you're also grieving.

maximist · 29/11/2022 23:20

My ten month old niece came to my nan's funeral, her mum sat at the back with her just in case but she was fine. It was lovely to have her at the wake, my great-aunt (nan's sister) got to meet the next generation and she was generally adored.

Lentil63 · 29/11/2022 23:20

My family embrace everyone at every event including funerals. Death is part of life. Not only is it good for the child to take part but it’s good for the adults.
I think in the past there was a tendency to exclude young people from funerals but there’s no need in my opinion.

UsingChangeofName · 29/11/2022 23:21

I wouldn't.
I think at a funeral, I need to take the time to grieve, and actually take the time for myself. I can't do that when looking after a baby, toddler, or even older child.

I don't think your dp's reason rings true, although I agree with him I wouldn't take a baby or child to a funeral.

However you obviously know your family best, and if you think they actually want your baby there and that you didn't just put them on the spot or back them in to a corner, then you can take him if you want to. I just think you lose that 30min space when it is just about a little bit of time to focus on the service and reflect on your Nan's life.

GolfForBrains · 29/11/2022 23:23

I took my 10 month old to my nan's funeral. He was good as gold. My in-laws also came along and the plan was that they would take him if he got fussy, but he had had a good sleep and a feed beforehand and was happy to sit on my knee (he was that kind of 10 month old). I remember having my arm round him being a source of great comfort.

allboysherebutme · 29/11/2022 23:36

Sorry for your loss, do what will make you feel as comfortable as you can on such a sad occasion. X

sjpkgp1 · 30/11/2022 00:11

I definitely would, your Nan loved him, and he will bring comfort in sad times. Obviously if he starts crying during the service, you might have to take him out, but I think many times people enjoy having something else to focus on than the sadness that is all around, and children bring joy to many. I'm sorry for your loss xx

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 30/11/2022 00:16

I took my 11 month old to my nan's funeral. DH had him and was at the back ready to take him out. I was giving the eulogy. It was fine and he was a star at the wake.
Your baby won't remember it.

MarmiteCoriander · 30/11/2022 00:22

Sorry for your loss Flowers

My own nan died last month and a cousin brought along her 8mth old. Initially she sat at the front, then moved to the back when baby started crying. As long as you are prepared to step outside if needed, and possibly miss part of the ceremony, then bring baby along.

Stickstickstickstickstick · 09/12/2022 19:25

It’s YOUR nan’s funeral. If your husband feels so strongly then HE can take the baby out if required. You get to stay in there.

TinfoilTwat · 09/12/2022 19:30

I took 7mo dd to my Grandma's funeral. She was supposed to go to my mum while I did a reading, but when I tried to hand her over she got clingy so I did the reading with dd on my hip. It was absolutely fine. People liked seeing her there, and she was oblivious to the reason we were there.

NeverTooLateToSing · 09/12/2022 19:45

If it is your Nan, then I feel it is your choice. Personally, I like it when babies and children are at funeral, as it shows the continuity of families through the generations. If your baby son gets noisy, though, then yes, have a plan - as someone up-thread suggested, maybe your partner could take him out? There are usually rooms at the back or side of a crematorium chapel when someone can sit with a restless baby. When you arrive, speak to the chapel attendant and they will let you know what facilities they have.

I know this is not so relevant to your little one, but people often talk about trying to shield children from adult's sadness - and possibly they are avoiding difficult questions, too - but I think if a child had a loving connection with the person who had died, then they should be able to say goodbye. And that it is ok to be sad when we are grieving.

I hear more people talk about long-lasting resentment from being excluded as a child from a family funeral, than I do of people wishing they hadn't gone.

I hope the farewell gathering is lovely and fitting for her life. Take care

My2pence2day · 09/12/2022 21:20

Take him, and your partner can look after him if he fusses

Original poster
MammaBear12222 · 08/01/2023 08:26

Thank you all for your advice above. I ended up taking my son to my nans funeral and although he was a little noisy (there were no tears thankfully) the celebrant brought him into the service and mentioned that my nan would be loving the fact he was getting so much attention, and that is so true. Even though it was a sad day, having him there just lifted everyone and knowing that my nan would be looking down and smiling and willing my son to keep on chatting away and making himself known made everyone else smile. She was a truly remarkable lady and she loved all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

OP posts:
User4873628 · 09/01/2023 18:22

It was my gran's funeral recently and all her great grandkids were there. It was lovely. She loved having us all together, it was right that we were all there for her.

Only the smallest got a bit unhappy and her dad took her out.

I'm glad you had a lovely service for your nan.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread