Anticipatory grief and anger

[flowertoday]

I am looking for some wise words of advice, or just to hear other people's experiences.
My sister has advanced cancer, and is no longer having treatment She is very ill, and has been for some months. As a very private person she is not keen to see family that often and as hard as it is i respect her wishes absolutely and am grateful for the hours i have spent with her in recent weeks. Every day ( and every night ) I wonder if it will be the day I get 'that call'.
Every day is also a struggle . I struggle to concentrate, to enjoy anything. I am also absolutely furious at everything and everyone. My tolerance for social gatherings is at absolute zero, being around people talking and laughing almost provokes a panic response. ( Not great as the festive season approaches obviously )
I was wondering how other people have found anticipatory grief, and how they have coped.
X

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I'm so sorry.

My dad has a form of dementia and the person I always knew is no longer here; but it's not yet time to grieve.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I lost my dad to cancer earlier this year. For 2 years we knew there was no hope for him and for 2 years I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting and full of panic. I struggled with other people, the unfairness, I was in complete denial (I think I still am) and everything I did was clouded by my dad's illness. I've cried through 2 'last' fathers days, birthdays and Christmases...but now he's no longer here those memories are so very important to me...and they don't even seem sad anymore.
Looking back I have been grieving for my dad since his diagnosis - I just didn't realise.
I forced myself to just crack on, make plans and just face each day as it came.
Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to keep going. There is no right or wrong xx

@Lazyladydaisy thank you for posting. I can really relate to to your experience. Sorry for the loss of your dad x

@flowertoday I'm so very sorry about your sister. It muat be horrid and frightening, no wonder you are grieving already.

My best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and I knew the prognosis was 6 months at best. Every day of that 6 months was torture. First thing in the morning abs last thing at night I wondered if today was the day. Maybe it's normal but it is certainly not easy.

Be gentle with yourself, and do make sure you say what you want to say to her now. 💐

Oh op, I've only ever had this for a week when my gp was incredibly ill, that clock watching, call waiting limbo was horrific.

My advice when the time does come is to be kind to yourself, and be prepared for the guilt at feeling relieved this time is over, when you think that your only emotion should be grief.

Awful though it is now, this is a good thing. You can do all your preparation and working through, now. When the time comes, you will be ready.

If it's any comfort, you won't have to do this twice. When you finally lose her, there will be peace much more quickly than if you hadn't had this time.

When my dad was diagnosed I had a period of time where I was shocked, raging, experiencing all the stormy grief. I cried it out to music (time to say goodbye, of all cliched songs).
Then there was a difficult period worrying about his care, and watching him slip away. Then when the time came, there was no grief left- I'd worn it through already.

I'm sad now, telling you and remembering those days, but generally haven't experienced the pole axe grief others have, as we had so much time beforehand.

Anticipatory grief is tough, but can be an important part of the grieving process. Coupled with living with the horrible sense of doom and uncertainty as to how long a loved one will live for and how the end of life stage will manifest, it can be unbearable, moreso at this time of year.
Be kind to yourself and seek support when you need to 🌸

www.cruse.org.uk

Sending big hugs op. I lost my little brother last year to cancer. He was 39 and had 3 young children. The anger i felt and still do overwhelmes the sadness if that makes sense. When he was poorly i didn't want to go out and socialise so i didn't. Look after yourself too and if you need a big sobbing cry, do it

I am sorry for what you are experiencing right now. I lost my Mum a few days ago, she had been ill on and off for 10 years with a form of cancer. She was an incredibly strong and proud woman who did not want to be seen as ill and just went through all of her treatments of which there were many without complaint. A few months ago I recognised the signs that the cancer was back and eventually when it was confirmed she agreed to more treatment knowing that it would make her very unwell. She requested a wheelchair and allowed me to apply for a blue badge and AA which is when I realised how unwell she actually was. I started to grieve and wait for "the call". I didnt sleep well wondering if this was the night it would happen, I made plans and wrote her eulogy whilst I could think straight and wondered what her end of life would be like. I never received that call, just knowing that I needed to be there and she passed very quickly and peacefully with me and my Dad at her side. I still have not cried although I am sure that is still yet to come and likely from a previous experience unexpectedly and when something minor like breaking a cup or burning the toast happens. I almost cried earlier when I realised that she isnt there to make the Christmas trifle in her beautiful glass dish this year. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve when the time is right for you, even if it takes a trifle in a beautiful glass dish or whatever memory of your sister is closest to your heart. Thinking of you!

My mum has advanced cancer. Treatable but non-curative and the treatment hasn't been kind to her so they are stopping it. Waiting to hear next week if there are any other options and whether she will take them if there are. She cries a lot as she knows her life as was has ended, and i don't think she is ready to face what is to come. Every day I move between wanting her to die quickly so it is over and I can begin to grieve and being utterly terrified of that time coming, watching her fade and then not be there anymore. It's a horrible place to be, and I find I am getting angry at what should be small annoyances. It's tough. I am sorry for your sister, her family, I hope you all find peace eventually.

I have just been through anticipatory grief, and am right now in very raw bereavement grief. The anticipation grief I found helped me process a lot of what was going to happen while she was still here, it got me in the grief zone and all of its relentless ups and downs grief brings before she slipped away.

Now she is gone, there's a lot of shock and adrenaline, followed by deep sadness (and yes music helps get that out).

Thank you so much for all of the replies. I have found them all so helpful and am really grateful to feel less alone .

Sorry op about your sister. My darling brother died in June after a long battle with cancer. It has been devastating. The build up to the death is agonising, it is on your mind 24-7 and you feel as though you're living on a knife edge.
I understand your sister being private, my brother was much the same and never wanted to discuss prognosis or what it would all mean. It was very hard. However when the time was truly near we were lucky to have the opportunity to all say how much we love each other and share our feelings, he had reached that point by then. I also wrote him a letter which he read in private. Perhaps you could do that so your sister can read it in her own time. I also got us matching bracelets, bit cheesy but it bonded us. I was there at the end and it was the worst thing but also I'm so glad I was able to say goodbye to him.
I'm so sorry for the journey you will be embarking on. It is so hard and for me Christmas has been so tough. I had grief counselling which helped a lot and I talk to him everyday. I wish you all the best and really empathise with your story. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. X

I'm sorry, that is very hard. Two of my aunts both asked visitors to stay away; they didn't want the worst of their decline to be seen.

IME when you know someone is suffering and going to die, the waiting period is very hard. When we were going through that, the stress and tension were exhausting and I expected it to get even worse after the death. In fact, that didn't happen. It was the opposite. The worst grief and anger were discovering the prognosis and adjusting to it and the sheer hard work of care.

By the time she died, everyone was ready to let go, and my main feeling at that time was relief for her sake.

My Dad is currently in a hospice with liver cancer. When he was diagnosed in September, I can honestly say that it felt like my world had ended. I sobbed for days on end, and couldn't even look at Dad without having a tear escape. Now he's nearing his end, and in some ways, I wish it would just happen for him as seeing him struggle is more horrific than I could ever have imagined. I said goodbye to Dad as I knew him a while back.

I randomly found a really good article online one day about anticipatory grief and I'm quite amazed and pleased (if that's the right word) that it's a real "thing" to feel.

Yes it would be helpful if there was more awareness about anticipatory grief. Also the trauma of seeing a loved one that ill over a period of time.

My mother died of MND last year and it was only after that I realised how my stomach had lurched with dread at any unknown phone number calling. And talking of phone calls, there were so many due to all the appointments etc. Also, the diagnosis was face to face for her, but by phone for us, due to covid restrictions.

Obviously that added a whole extra layer of distress and complication, as many others will also have experienced. She was in hospital for some weeks of testing in 2020 but no visitors.

I worried about being with her at the end, but worried more about not being there.

There has been grief since she died, but I definitely processed a lot of it before, especially anger at it all. I think I didn’t fully feel my feelings about her illness till afterwards - I was more focused on how it impacted her, obviously, while she was living it.

Also during covid, my dear sibling was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I’m not even able to talk about that, but know that my thoughts are with you