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Bereavement

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How to help a child that's grieving.

4 replies

DWMoosmum · 16/11/2022 16:21

My sons best girlfriend passed away a few weeks ago, very unexpectedly. She was 11, he's 11. He hasn't spoken about it but keeps breaking down but blaming his tears on other things. We have the funeral next week and he wants to go, as most of the class will be there too, we've told him he doesn't need to go but he wants to.

I'm really struggling to know what to do to help him. We're acknowledging his pain, albeit pandering to the pains and aches he says are making him cry other than what we know is really going on. He's also swinging between being really angry and really moody. He has mentioned her a few times but he doesn't dwell on it, he just moves off the subject really quickly. There's not a day goes by where he isn't in tears. Even when he's together with his close friends they all cry together.

Today I spoke to a grief counsellor and she gave me some advise about what's going on in his head. I spoke to him about it and asked if he would speak to her and before I even got the sentence out he flatly refused. I asked him to talk about it to my husband and I, or a friend and again he flatly refused and told me to mind my own business.

He's genuinely a really lovely kids, he's got lots of friends and enjoys being with them, he's also really sensitive but that switch seems to have gone off and he's just being really quite horrible at times.

If he won't speak to a counsellor or even the school, I'm at a loss.

Any advise as to what we can do to help at this really sad time would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Bumzoo · 16/11/2022 16:32

Oh how heartbreaking. I would recommend Winston's wish, they were fantastic when we needed them.

shreddies · 16/11/2022 16:38

Poor thing. I am no expert at all but my instinct is that if he wants to go to her funeral then he should, funerals are a really important part of the grieving process in my experience. Sadly I have lost a couple of friends now who had children of a similar age. I would hope that it will be a very child appropriate event.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 16/11/2022 16:41

Yes have a look a the online resources from Winston’s Wish.

Absolutely normal to be up and down and all over the place and to feel angry and private about it. Just keep validating whatever he feels and encourage him to express it all in healthy ways rather than lashing out at people.

Let him know it’s okay to feel angry and give him some safe ways to express anger like

  • talking about it with whoever he’s comfortable (if that’s not you then don’t take offence! And he just might not be a talker)
  • journaling/writing
  • physically - energetic exercise helps moves feelings through the body, or take him to the beach to lob rocks in the sea or allow him to smash something up
  • Rituals - eg write a letter to the deceased and leave it on the grave or burn it - I’m sure there will be lots of ideas online.

Just be there for him and provide the option of tools/support, go at his pace, don’t push anything and accept he will feel lots of feelings for weeks/months/years.

DWMoosmum · 18/11/2022 08:12

Thank you everyone for the kind messages. I will look at Winstons Wish. Just trying to keep his head above water right now x

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