I think my dad is dying

[december2020]

Something just doesn't feel right - for lack of a better word.

He's had a turbulent few years with his health, but this time around it feels different. From his symptoms - for example he's always tired, sleeps most of the day, to his aches and pains, vomiting and nausea and apparently his urine has gone brown-ish.

It just doesn't feel like it's a cold or flu or general illness.

He lives in a different country so I can't be there to help him, help my mum sort any doctors or tests, instead i call him every day to have a quick chat.

It's a morbid post I know, and it's impossible to say how long he'd have (or if I'm just being dramatic).

To be honest, I don't really know why I'm posting this, probably just a place to type out my thoughts as I can't say them out loud - especially not to upset any family.

A hopeful bump

Yet I know I haven't asked anything specific

I guess one just for a hand hold in the meantime

Op that's a hard one. Do you know if he's seeing a dr or if he's avoiding asking any questions?
You mentioned other health concerns is he still being seen for those?
Being so far away is awful in these circumstances is there any way you could visit so you can see for yourself and see if you can help arrange any medical attention?

How old is he OP?

Have a handhold from me x

Thank you so much both, really appreciate it, and apologies for the late reply, work has been so busy I've barely had time to think and then straight into mum mode after.
But finally having a bit of down time.

He's in his 80s so he's had a good life and none of this would be super unexpected.

My mum is going to call a doctor tomorrow and hopefully at least get him in for some blood tests to see if everything is ok.

But I sort of feel (I haven't spoke to him about it) that he knows and maybe he's kind of ready for it because he isn't too fussed to get docs involved.
He has regular check ups for his other health blips and it's consistently been all clear and he's always up to date with any meds he needs.

My gut tells me it's the beginning of the end and I just don't know how much time he has left (of course no one does). We're visiting in early Jan (due to getting leave of work, kids etc.) and I just hope it isn't too late.

Sending a handhold. A couple of years ago I was in a similar position. Peak pandemic lockdown so couldn't go and see my Dad, who was over 80.
Just do what you can, it's all (of course) you can do.

Sending love OP, it's incredibly hard.
My mum was given a few weeks to live in January this year, she died in September- I spent the time making precious memories in any way we could, which was hard because she had dementia.
Just be kind to yourself, speak to your dad often and be there for your mum as much as you can be xx

That sounds incredibly tough @FluffyFluffyClouds and @Icanflyhigh ! I'm so so sorry!

My dad went to see a doctor today, so hopefully I'll hear more tomorrow or in the next few days on any next steps.

From speaking to my mum this morning it definitely feels like more and more medical things are going wrong with him so I wouldn't be surprised if it's not positive news, but keeping my fingers crossed regardless.

I'm hoping we get to see him before it goes drastically worse.

So sorry to hear this. Sending you good wishes

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My own dad, 82, has stage IV cancer and is on palliative care only now. I lived far from him about three years ago and so I can totally empathise with your pain at not seeing him.

I know my own dad loves my kids phoning him up and talking about normal stuff. He doesn't want to be treated any differently.

It's breaking my heart as I had to have 'the talk' with him about afterwards. You can never prepare for that.

Keep calling him each day and check in on how your mum is too. It will mean the world to them.

Again though I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much @Wibbly1008

@Definitelycross that is so tough! It sounds like you're doing everything you can from where you are and it's definitely not going unnoticed by your dad. Sending you a hand hold too!

Looks like the doc took a urine sample and said it was a UTI and put him on some meds. I'm no medical expert at all, but I think it's more likely to be something more serious with his kidneys (hopefully not kidney failure). The symptoms feel too strong to be a standard UTI. I've urged my parents to get a follow up appointment and second urine test after the meds to check everything is all clear.

Thinking of you all

He had another urine test today - after I strongly urged my mum to take him.
The antibiotics haven't helped and all the levels they measure for haven't gone down at all.
He's on more meds now and I've told my mum to take him again next week to check.

He's sleeping most of the day, isn't eating and just seems to have lost his zest for life (among other symptoms). I've can't shake the feeling that it really is the beginning of the end.

I guess if nothing has changed next week if I manage to convince my mum to take him, they may need to consider their next steps and if they fly closer to family (we're all spread out across the globe).

Dark urine was an early indicator of big problems for DH, he thought he was dehydrated but in fact it was caused by excess bilirubin.

I was also thinking it could be liver dysfunction or something with his bile duct (due to other medical issues he has had) which I think spike bilirubin (I'm no medical expert).
But this is really helpful - thank you - I'll make sure my mum asks about it.

I hope your DH is ok, sending hugs!

Has he had bloods taken december2020?

What is your Mum’s take on what’s happening and how is she managing?

They haven't taken any bloods yet, which surprised my mum - so I've told her to request it next time they go and make sure they do it.

She's on the fence at the moment, clearly concerned, has mentioned a couple of times she's gone to check in on him to make sure he's still breathing. I think she's waiting to see from these test results if they need to travel back to their home country or if he's well enough to still be abroad.

I would encourage her to ask for CA19-9 when they do bloods, it is a marker for pancreatic and other cancers/issues in that area.