Lost my father, cut out from my family

[HenBob]

My father sadly passed away unexpectedly last year. He was diagnosed with cancer and less than two weeks later he died. I couldn't visit him in the hospital due to Covid restrictions. I used to take my mother to see him and sit on the other side of a wall and just wait for hours, knowing he was so close to me and I couldn't see or speak to him.

By the time the hospital let me and my siblings in to see him, it was because he was classed as 'end of life'. At this point he could no longer speak.

We were best friends growing up and into my adulthood. However things became complicated when I got married and had children. My mum caused a lot of problems. It was like she hated not having full control of me anymore. It exposed a lot of toxic behaviour she had always displayed that I hadn't questioned before. She wanted 'exclusive access' to my children, and developed what felt like a hatred for me and my wife, like she didn't like the fact we were effectively gatekeepers to her grandchildren. She would get annoyed if they had a nap in her presence as we should have done that before she saw them, she didn't like them being breastfed as it wasn't inclusive. There are so many issues like this, too many to list here. But in the end it came to a head and we had a fall out over it. My dad got dragged into it, when I feel he was the biggest victim of her behaviour, as he was constantly belittled and abused by her. Her strange behaviour affected my happiness for years and I have had counselling because of it.

After the fall out, my mum decided to relocate 5 hours away from us. God knows what exactly she told my extended family and siblings, but at the same time they stopped visiting us or arranging to meet up - no one said why, they all stopped talking to me too. I tried to reach out but no one wanted to talk about mum with me. I feel like she turned them against me. I felt shunned and ashamed. My dad acknowledged this was crazy but said he had long given up fighting and just went along with whatever made her happy.

I started counselling as it made me question whether I was a bad person and deserved to be cut off from my family. My wife and her family are nothing like this, and I have many friends who all say it is my mum in the wrong, and my siblings are afraid to stand up to her. But still it makes me paranoid. I hoped that counselling would help me fix it all, and help me get my relationship with my dad back at least. If I ever tried to call him he had to go on speakerphone to talk to me. A couple of times he called me from the shop when he had popped out to buy milk, but he always said he didn't have long.

It was only one session of counselling before he became terminally ill, so the last year has all revolved around my grief. I hoped that my relationships with my siblings would get closer again after going through that together, but they didn't. If anything we are even more distant. My mum at one point started trying to imply he would have lived longer if I hadn't caused him so much stress. I guess she has shared these sentiments with the other family members, too.

Now it has been a year and I am thinking about how to commemorate his death, but I am so sad that all it seems to do is highlight how I have no direct family around me to talk to or share it with. Lots of suggestions I read include meeting with family and friends to remember him, but my family will likely all meet without me, and I don't want to share my experience with people who would cut me out of their lives when I need them most.

I still speak to my mum out of obligation, and she calls whenever she needs me to do something for her. I have taken days of leave off work to drive to hers and take her to an appointment, as she moved to a rural location and can't drive. To her it seems like I am doing a couple of hours errand, she doesn't seem to realise then 10 hours spent in the car getting to her and back. I don't want to do it, but I feel guilty and pity because she has lost her husband.

I know that I am not alone in life, as I have a loving family, and lots of friends, and my wife's family, but these people didn't grow up with me, or know my dad the same way my siblings and I did. I feel like I need to come to terms with the loss of my whole family as well as my father, but its so painful. Counselling has helped me see that the way they have treated me is abusive (i.e. not communicating problems they might have, just ghosting me), so it's not like I am desperate to make friends with them. I just wish life had panned out differently and I can't control that. I can't seem to let it go or move past it. I think about how angry I am with them, especially my mum, all the time.

I know it's not healthy but how do you come to terms with this? - how can you process anger when you can't do anything to change the people that have caused it?

I have lot of the same feelings. My way of dealing with it is to take a look at the good i have around me, partner, children, partners family and be thankful. You have a life to live and if your parents and family dont want to be a positive factor then you need to concentrate on those that make you happy.

I have limited contact with most of my direct family and once my father has gone i think i will be cutting ties completely. Life is too short

Stop running around for her! Your mother sounds very much like mine and treats my father the same, once my dad passes she will be on her own, I owe her nothing.

Thank you @Tessasanderson I am very grateful for my life. I wish this didn't eat away at me - it just feels so unjust and I hate the impact she has had on my life. I am full of anger towards her and I don't think its going to go away.

@RoseBucket I thought I would be the same, I said that she could be on her own to deal with the consequences - yet still when it actually happened I felt such pity for her. At the end of the day she is a vulnerable person who lost their partner and I can't get past that, even if she is also toxic and manipulative at the same time.

I also think I am driven to prove everyone wrong that I am a bad person if this is what they now believe. I kind of do nice stuff so that she and my siblings question whether I deserve the treatment they have given me. It's probably the less healthy motivator for my actions... and least likely to have an impact.

Your df is at peace. Allow YOU some peace op. Stop being her skivvy. You owe her not a jot.

Are you closer to one of your siblings? Could you start tentatively establishing contact using the anniversary as an opener? But ensure you never speak of your mum so you both can feel safe? You might feel better if you had light and occasional contact with one or more of them. If you’ve been painted as a trouble maker, or who knows why they don’t respond , go lightly. Maybe they’re glad it’s not them in the firing line. Maybe they’re consumed with grief. The long game is you want a drama free relationship with one or more of them and that’s probably going to involve being boundaried and superficial in the medium term.

You need to remain restrained and stop getting sucked into your mums drama /
doing excessive tasks for her. Plan how to deal with this pity of her- that will he part of her shtick and you’re getting sucked in.

@Endpress Thanks for this good advice. I am closer to one of them, but its the only other one my mum has previously tried to sideline. I guess they understand what I am going through, but they also don't want to risk the same happening to them again. So they are always trying to seek my mother's approval.

I think maintaining a superficial and light relationship wherever possible is the only chance I have of building something more meaningful with any of them in future, and perhaps by then I won't need or want one so much.

Your Mother is toxic and controlling, you are enmeshed in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I wish you could tell her to get out of your life and stay out, because she is really an awful person and a terrible mother.

I could have written most of that post. My dad died last year too and I didn't get to say good bye my family have now all drifted off. I have a strained relationship with my mum.

I just do the duty things. My mum has lost her life partner and is elderly and alone so I am compassionate.

You just put one foot in front of the other.

Forgot to say. I found it easier having a family what's app group so you could maybe say something like hey anyone able to take mum to x on Friday Etc. It opens communication and may ease your burden a bit

@maddy68 thanks for taking the time to share. I have got that WhatsApp group and I find it so insincere. It's also used for mum to ask for help, and the son she has moved to be close to always says he can't straight away so I often end up picking it up. That's how it has happened. I feel the group is used to abuse my hospitality and compassion at times, although I wouldn't leave the chat.

Rely sorry to read about your loss and the treatment you have received. Over the years I have received similar treatment from my uncle and his family when he fell out with my mum 10 years ago. Strangely enough he found us again this year when his eldest step daughter died at 52. Though I'm glad in one way we are rebuilding bridges and like you, we can share memories, the trust element has gone for me. Luckily I am close to my sister so we have that shared background.
Perhaps this suggestion might help?

Write down all the things you would like to talk about with your estranged family and post it to them. It could be a biography of your dad with anecdotes. They may want to add their memories. I hope you find some peace with the people who do love and cherish you.

@Nickinbracknell thanks for taking the time to reply. That is really thoughtful of you