How to support young family after death of their DM?

[Scandala]

School gate pal has died in her mid 40s, leaving behind two DC, aged 13 and 11.

We were not super close but close enough for sons to have play dates etc.

What can I do to practically support the DC and her DH?

It’s been about three weeks. What gifts would be appropriate for DC? A friend who lost her mum at 16 said she was touched by the gesture of someone getting her flowers for her. (I wouldn’t get flowers as they’re a bit young for those).

Have only just found out so our DS doesn’t know. How should he talk to his friend about it?

Thank you @Scandala she was in Wales. It was quite unexpected.

Thank you.
They got chocolate, sweets, amazon gift vouchers, fluffy pillows and more chocolate! People baked cookies and muffins for them too, which they liked.

So sorry for your loss @rcat74. Not the same person. Friend was in London and ill so knew things were bad but wider circular did not realise just how seriously sick she was. I imagine it meant those close to her were able to say their goodbyes. You must be in shock if it was unexpected 💐 So sorry for your cousin’s DC too x

Thank you @Lalaland50 for your help. I did think about gift cards but feels so different to a birthday. It feels a bit mean giving the same amount as I would for a birthday but what’s an appropriate non-bankrupting amount without seeming weird? You don’t need to answer that - just musing out loud. I know others are following this thread who are in a similar quandary so thank you xx

Thank you @Scandala I’m kind of relieved it’s not but also very sad for another set of children bereaved at the same time, when they need their DM so much. My cousin’s children don’t remember me because of lockdowns but I thought I would send them each a silver bracelet for Christmas with a picture of them with my DC’s before covid.

What a lovely idea for gifts @rcat74

I lost my dad when I was 13. I don't remember anyone, outside family, getting me anything. Some of these suggestions would have been lovely.

This, I lost my son rather than my children losing me but this is what I needed.

@SunsetandCupcakes I am ever so sorry about your DS 💐

Could you get together with the other people at the school who know the family and set up a WhatsApp group or similar, and have a rota to keep their freezer filled, and deliveries of fresh fruit etc?

Just looked on the Cook website and it’s all meals for 1, 2 and 4. Just brings home to me how they’re now a family of 3…

I don't know, it's a difficult one. I understand that people want to buy stuff but if it's not actually what is wanted or needed it's not helpful and just another stress. Is the funeral planned? Usually the family will say what they want instead of flowers. If you can find out you can send a card and let them know you've contributed to the chosen charity and offer to take the kids out sometime.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Mine died last week and has left a young son, her husband was abusive and I feel uncomfortable with all the gifts he's now receiving. I know what the son might like but it's not the sort of thing that warms people's hearts over sending worthy books and educational toys. I don't know what will happen. Sometimes there's no making things better, kind words mean much more than anything else, especially if they're about your friend. Maybe there are some stories you could share in a letter?

@Scandala thank you! My friend died with cancer

My dfriend's husband dies recently. Her son's school class did a collection for her and gave her an envelope with cash in it with a note saying "spend this on anything that makes your life easier right now, with love from xx".

She spend it on a cleaner or on sending her ds along to the fish and chip shop with a £20 note.

She said the cash was so easy, compared with vouchers for this, that and the other because they all needed thinking about.

I would have thought cash was quite a thoughtless gift but she was really grateful.

How tragic and how very thoughtful of you. Everyone is different so I understand how you are trying to get it right. It is harder too as you were not particularly close. When my friends DH died I had her children stay with us for a week after . This gave them normality while their DM could grieve and make arrangements. We were close though and the children were 9 and 7.

some of the ideas are really lovely on here. I don’t think photos is though as that could go either way. Much prefer the voucher for food idea. Maybe a pizza place as that is usually great idea for kids and they could have it delivered? Or a Amazon voucher for the DC.
whatever you decide you sound lovely and I am sorry for your loss of your friend.

That is a lovely idea.

A cash collection if you can organize one, or vouchers are probably the most useful thing in terms of material things. Then the surviving parent could treat the children to something that they really want, or they can eat out, or get a takeaway, or nice food delivered from the supermarket, or something else that supports them through this time.

If the kids had play dates at your house, I would offer for this to continue in the card you send, so that there is still some semblance of a normal routine.