How to support young family after death of their DM?

[Scandala]

School gate pal has died in her mid 40s, leaving behind two DC, aged 13 and 11.

We were not super close but close enough for sons to have play dates etc.

What can I do to practically support the DC and her DH?

It’s been about three weeks. What gifts would be appropriate for DC? A friend who lost her mum at 16 said she was touched by the gesture of someone getting her flowers for her. (I wouldn’t get flowers as they’re a bit young for those).

Have only just found out so our DS doesn’t know. How should he talk to his friend about it?

its been 3 weeks and you've only just found out?
I think that tells you what you need to know really
a low key respectful card for the entire family would be appropriate
answer your DCs questions in an age appropriate way when they arise

Thank you for posting this and I will be following and get some ideas on what to buy for my friend’s daughter’s. My friend died few days ago and also in her mid 40s and left behind husband and 2 daughters aged 16 & 10

@StillWeRise We have moved schools. DS moved sports teams. She was very private and did not discuss her illness and signalled to her best friend she didn’t wish to dwell on it.

@Mumof3girlsandaboy I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Sending strength and hugs 💐

A card with an offer to f support in it. Perhaps arrange to do something with kids at a later date.?

Why would you buy the kids presents? Seems weird.
write nice cards and be there for thr next weeks, months and even years. It’s a huge loss for them and dad might appreciate if you could sometimes host for a playdate or help with other practical things. I was a similar age when my parent died and many grown up friends forgot about us after a few months. But grief doesn’t suddenly disappear after 2-3 months and you are still only left with one parent.

You sound really thoughtful OP. How about a fresh cooked meal that the family could freeze if they didn't feel up to eating it on the day you drop it off? And yes, I agree a thoughtful card will offer of support - playdates, another meal or two, lifts for the children?

I think a meal might be kind.

I would post a card, with a gift card for a local family restaurant/deliveroo with heartfelt comments inside and a note to say "hopefully dinner on us will ease some of the day to day stress, please get in touch if there is anything else we can do to support you. The kids are welcome at ours any time, and if ever any of you want to talk, please call"

Type of thing.

Richard E Grant was on Desert Island Discs last weekend, talking about what helped his family in the early days after his wife's death. The key things he talked about were when people didn't try to pretend nothing had happened, as if they didn't want to upset him by talking about it and he might forget if they didn't mention it, and food, more often and for longer than you might think. Cooking was a huge effort and deciding what to eat too hard.

That's lovely.

Agree with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz a card and a gift voucher for food.

And moreover still being there in the months and years after the death. That’s the hardest thing. Everyone crowds at a time you just are in shock and often wanting to be alone. It’s the after all that when your head is starting to process all the memories that you need good people still around.

I got sent flowers by work when my best friend died I actually broke down and selfishly screamed I want her not fucking flowers.

I hated people giving us food, I just hated feeling like I had to eat other peoples recipes and people were so desperate to ask us what they could make:

I also didn’t want people to come and visit and sit in my house. I did however, like people inviting me out for coffee: I only wanted to get texts from my closest friends:, some people I knew but wasn’t really friendly with sent me regular texts which was obviously very kind of them but I found it annoying

the other thing was helping with school runs for a couple of weeks, I really didn’t have the head to go to school and people doing some shopping for me, but not cooking, so I didn’t have to go to the shops and bump into people

This is so helpful. Thank you to those sharing their experiences.

The consensus then seems to be it’s weird to get anything for the DC?

Have found some lovely pics of DH and her which I shall print tomorrow and send with something.

i had a few people do that for me but I just hid them and threw some away, I really didn’t want to look at them. Sorry I’m such a misery! I think I just didn’t want a fuss but everyone is different

Although my DD is older than the DC who have sadly lost their mum (17) I would have found meals helpful after my DH died recently.
I have found it a huge pressure to ensure she was / is eating properly and also help doing school runs.

My friend who was widowed said please don’t just text and say “let me know if you need anything” because she didn’t want to be proactive in asking. Instead she preferred “when are you free for coffee, let’s make a date” “Can I have your kids on Wednesday”. So actual dates and times that say you really want to help and not just vague offers of assistance x

@MumofSpud I am so sorry about your DH. I can’t help with school runs as different schools sadly but I will get a Cook voucher I think. Thank you for sharing.

seems like different people appreciate different things

@MyLovelyPen Thank you. That sounds very sensible.

I think this could be my cousin. Or an identical situation. The timing and ages are spot on.

My DH died 6 months ago. I absolutely loved people buying presents for my children - DS13 and DD10. I wanted to give them the world (still do) and them being spoilt by their community, friends and family, was really important to me. They felt loved and thought about and I am so grateful people did that for them and for me. I would also have probably been sick if someone had sent me photos of me and my DH. I can't look at photos of him still, without real physical pain. Meals were great. I couldn't answer when someone asked me what I needed - and I still can't. So the best is when someone turns up with some cake without asking, and don't expect to come in to talk to me, as I am most often not in the mood for conversation. Hope this helps.

When one of my colleagues died of cancer aged 42 leaving a 10 and 12 year old…..we all put into a collection…..we got £1600 and passed it on to her partner for the kids ….so they got £800 each

@rcat74 I’m sorry about your cousin. Where did they live? I know of too many young people dying right now leaving behind young families.

@Lalaland50 Thank you so much for the tips and I am so sorry to hear about your DH. That’s really interesting advice re the pictures. Can I ask what sorts of gifts your children received and what went down well?